DEAR HARRIETTE: I work as a freelance publicist. I have been doing this for about five years, and it’s going OK. The problem is that my friends and family are constantly asking me to do things for them for free. They feel like since they know me or are related to me, naturally I will do them a solid and help them out. I understand that in theory, but this is my livelihood. It’s one thing to do a project once as a gift, but they come back again and again. Whenever I suggest they pay me, they get ornery and act like I am being greedy. How can I get people to pay for my services? -- Freelancer Trying to Make a Living, Seattle

DEAR FREELANCER TRYING TO MAKE A LIVING: Create a rate sheet for your services if you don’t already have one. Include each service you provide and the parameters for the task so that your clients are crystal clear about what they are getting. List a fee next to each service. If you would like to be somewhat generous and strategic, create a discount for friends and family that reflects your affinity toward them while keeping things professional. The next time they ask you to do something for them, provide the rate sheet. Point out that you are offering them a family discount but that there will be no more freebies. Stick to your guns, and you won’t have this problem after they realize you are serious.

DEAR HARRIETTE: A college friend just wrote to me saying she is coming to town. She then asked if she could crash at my house while she’s in town. I don’t think that’s a good idea. I do not have air conditioning, and it has been crazy hot and humid all summer, including now. It is miserable, and I don’t feel like having company who I have to try to make comfortable until the heat wave passes. I can’t seem to get her to understand. How can I say no? -- Too Hot for Company, Winston-Salem, North Carolina

DEAR TOO HOT FOR COMPANY: A wise financial adviser once told me that “no” is a complete sentence. Sometimes you have to say no and mean it. If you know that you cannot handle having guests during the peak of the summer heat, don’t welcome any.

If you are so inclined, you can tell your friend that she is welcome to come at another time when the conditions are more suitable for you to have company. You have to remember that she planned her trip without consulting you about lodging. That’s on her. It really is OK for you to take care of yourself and let your friend know that you will not be able to host her at this time.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR READERS: It’s hard to believe that 17 years have passed since the fateful day when our understanding of peace changed in America and beyond. Those three planes filled with hate that decimated so many lives and destroyed even more hearts hit their targets on this day in 2001. Many people still live in a pre-9/11-vs.-post-9/11 world. Most still vividly remember where they were and what they were doing when thousands of lives were annihilated. Our world changed that day.

Throughout history, horrific things have occurred that have changed our world and our view of it. As our country has recently honored the legacy of Sen. John McCain, we got to know more about his role as a fighter pilot and then POW during the Vietnam War. Every time I sit with the notion of what he experienced, I shudder. McCain was shot down in Hanoi. His arms and one leg broke upon impact of his plane crash. He was held hostage for 5 1/2 years, three of them in solitary confinement. And he survived. That war divided our country and our citizens’ understanding of right and wrong in the face of war. Sen. McCain became an emblem of forgiveness as well as a fierce proponent of a strong military.

And so it has been over the generations. Wars occur for myriad reasons. Friction abounds. People are killed and kill others. Some, like McCain, stand out in their efforts to capture peace after unimaginable despair. In the end, what do we learn? I am not being a cynic or a philosopher here. I think it is wise for each of us to think about what we have learned when we face war. What comes of armed conflict for the everyman and everywoman in our country and in our world? Which is better -- nonviolent protest or armed protest?

I like to break these ideas down to what we as individuals can consider and do, because that’s where I believe we can claim our power. What do you do when faced with a conflict? Are you quick to jump to conclusions about who your opponent is and how he or she views the world? Are you particularly judgmental when you feel that your rights are being challenged? Many of us are. Are you the person who is willing to listen to the other side and search for a fair compromise? Or are you more likely to throw a punch -- verbally or physically -- if someone confronts you about something that you consider beyond compromise? How do you handle tense, volatile situations?

These questions are important for us to consider. The answers have everything to do with how we navigate our lives during difficult periods. Right now, there is a tremendous amount of fire in our country -- some literal, a lot political. Where do you stand in that fire? Are you stoking the flames or helping to put it out? Have you developed the ability to negotiate for your values without the urge to destroy those who do not share them?

I will go back to John McCain: Here was a man who was in our Navy, who was fighting for the cause of the American government, who was tortured for years and who spent much of the rest of his life looking for ways to mend the relationship between the United States and Vietnam. He had every right to be mad and feel hatred for people who hurt him repeatedly. He chose not to do that. Can you hold out an olive branch to those who have wronged you? Can you find a way to push past hurts and pains to find a path toward peace in your daily life? Think about it. Select a real situation that has been plaguing you and consider it differently. What if you could forgive the offender and forge a more peaceful future? Try it.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: We moved to a different state because of my husband’s work. I am hopeful this year as my son enters his new school.

My son is at the age when he may start dating. At his previous school, he was one of only a handful of children of color. This might sound strange, but I wanted him to be at a school where there’s a chance that he might meet a nice black girl. Previously, there was only one in his class. I don’t mean to sound discriminatory in any way, but I think it’s natural for parents to want their children to be exposed to people from their own community when they begin to date. It was illegal for many blacks to date whites just two generations ago, so I don’t think I’m out of line to think this. -- Coming of Age and Race, Dayton, Ohio

DEAR COMING OF AGE AND RACE: When children begin to date, any number of questions come up for parents as to whom they will meet and be attracted to. For the parent, there are many natural thoughts and questions, including whether their children will find a partner who shares their values and traditions. This typically means religious traditions and heritage. You are not wrong to look at history and have thoughts and reservations about whom your child will find as a partner. You have the unique perspective on race relations in this country that included laws about whom people of African descent could marry. This is real and worth knowing. What is also true, however, is that your son is growing up in a completely different environment under different circumstances.

Most people partner with those they spend a lot of time around. Classmates are at the top of that list. Given that you surrounded your son with people of other backgrounds than his own, it is natural that he would be attracted to people from other ethnic groups. Rather than press him to date a girl who looks like him, encourage him to get to know his fellow students and to learn more about people who share his values and interests. You can definitely recommend that he include the girls from his own community in his dating pool.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My adult son just decided he had had enough of his job, which he has hated for several years, so he quit. I couldn’t believe it. I understand that you can be disgruntled at work, but I was taught to keep your nose to the grindstone and tough it out -- unless, of course, you are being abused. He just didn’t like it. Now he has asked to move back home while he figures out what he wants to do next. I am furious. He should have made a plan that allowed for him to find another job so that he could remain self-sufficient. I don’t want to say no to my son about coming home, but I also do not want to enable him. How should I handle this? -- Uncommitted Son, Silver Spring, Maryland

DEAR UNCOMMITTED SON: Welcome your son home -- with provisions. Give him a lease with a fixed rent that he must pay monthly. Help him create a timeline for finding a job and saving money. Schedule weekly meetings where he must present his plans. If he does not agree to your terms, tell him he has to live somewhere else.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)