life

Teen Daughter Sleeps Her Summer Away

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | July 17th, 2018 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: My daughter has been out of school for four weeks now, and she sleeps past noon each day. At first I was OK with it. She worked hard in school this year, and I felt she had earned the right to rest; now I think it’s time for her to get up and participate in life. By that I mean she needs to clean her room, do her chores, read the books she was assigned over the summer and even see her friends. Should I be worried that all she wants to do is sleep? She’s 14 years old. -- Sleeping Beauty, Washington, D.C.

DEAR SLEEPING BEAUTY: Teens are known to relish sleeping late, so know that your daughter is not unusual! She may be growing, too. Often, children have growth spurts as they sleep. To be sure that she’s healthy, schedule a checkup with her physician. Let the doctor know what your concerns are, and ask for wisdom and advice.

If your doctor gives your daughter a clean bill of health, it’s then time for you to watch your daughter and see when she goes to sleep. Many kids stay up late texting, SnapChatting or playing videogames well after parents are sleeping. If that's the case, establish summer sleeping rules as well as activity rosters. To get your daughter to follow your regimen, you may have to take away a privilege. The cellphone or computer would be at the top of my list.

life

Sense & Sensitivity for July 17, 2018

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | July 17th, 2018 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a neighbor who is a serious name-dropper. She works in the hospitality business, so she comes in contact with celebrities and other notable people all the time. I used to be humored by her stories of different A-listers and what they do when they come to her hotel, but it’s getting old now. I don’t care about these people, and I don’t like to gossip.

Usually, she talks about their personal lives. She says who they had visit them at their hotel, what food they ordered, if they got drunk -- all kinds of stuff that the National Enquirer might like, but I don’t. How can I get her to stop with the stories? -- Nauseating Neighbor, Brooklyn, New York

DEAR NAUSEATING NEIGHBOR: Your neighbor is caught up in the glamour of celebrity at what might otherwise be a boring job. This is how she finds her joy. She sounds harmless, though annoying. Instead of cutting her off entirely, do you have the space to listen briefly and keep it moving? You don’t need to participate in the conversation, but manage it instead. When she starts in with a story, let her know you have only a moment because you have to go. Be pleasant but firm that your time is limited.

If your friend goes into detail about people that makes you feel uncomfortable, you can tell her that you would prefer that she not share gossip or personal details. Tell her you know that she is fascinated by these people’s lives, but you feel uncomfortable learning personal things about them. You may have to remind her of where you draw the line, but you can manage how much she shares with you and remain pleasant at the same time.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

life

Mom Wonders When to Introduce Boyfriend to Adult Kids

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | July 16th, 2018 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am a 53-year-old divorced woman. I have three children who are all in their 20s and living on their own. I have been divorced for 10 years now. I recently started dating this guy who I like and can see spending the rest of my life with. I don't think I would ever get remarried, but I see a real future with him. This is the first boyfriend I have had since my ex-husband, and the first man my kids will be introduced to. I need some advice regarding how I should introduce my boyfriend to my children. Where is a good setting? Do I have them meet him all together? We have been dating for three months; is now an appropriate time to have them meet? -- Meeting Mom's New Boyfriend, Cleveland

DEAR MEETING MOM’S NEW BOYFRIEND: Think about your children and how you suspect they will react to your boyfriend. It could be efficient to have everybody come over to your house for a meal where you introduce them at once, or you could schedule individual times for them to meet. If you do the latter, you will have to tell all of them that you have a boyfriend and want to invite them to meet him. It’s best to break the news at the same time so your children don’t think you are playing favorites. If you and your boyfriend both believe this relationship is serious, it’s fine to meet the kids after three months. You don’t have to tell them that you are fully committed though. Just be with them.

life

Sense & Sensitivity for July 16, 2018

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | July 16th, 2018 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been with my boyfriend for almost two years, and our families finally met last week. Despite the similarities my boyfriend and I share with each other, our families did not seem to have much in common. I never thought about this before, considering they had never met, but now I'm getting worried. My boyfriend and I are both family-oriented, and I’m worried that our families’ differences are going to get in the way of our relationship. Do you think that our families could negatively affect our relationship down the line? -- Family Differences, Memphis, Tennessee

DEAR FAMILY DIFFERENCES: You haven’t expressed what the differences are, so it is hard to say whether you can overcome them. I will say that it is important in long-term relationships and marriages for the couple to figure out ways to get along with both families. It is also often important for both families to be able to get together peacefully at least once a year if they live nearby. Many families are much more actively involved in each other’s lives, though. You will have to figure out what works for you.

What’s most important is for you and your boyfriend to determine what your shared values are and what you want in life. Next, evaluate your family differences, and talk about them to see if anything feels like a deal breaker. If you stand united about family dynamics, you create space to be able to navigate whatever comes your way.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

life

Commuter Questions Where Woman Sits

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | July 14th, 2018 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I take the same train every morning to work. I’ve figured out where to stand on the platform so that the doors stop directly in front of me. I guess a lot of other people have figured out the same thing. I’ve been noticing a nicely dressed woman standing near me in the morning. I get on before she does and take my seat. Every day for the past week, she has sat down next to me, even though there are other seats open. We don’t speak a word to each other, but I do feel her look up to stare at me a couple of times. Do you think this behavior is odd? Should I confront the woman? -- Train Stalker, Westchester, New York

DEAR TRAIN STALKER: Rather than assuming the negative -- namely that this woman is stalking you -- be open to her obvious overture to connect with you. Speak to her. Say “Good morning,” and start a conversation. Start off vague to see where the conversation goes. If she is not forthcoming about her intentions, you can tell her you have noticed that she chooses to sit next to you each day, and you were wondering why. Try not to be accusatory. Be inquisitive instead. If you don’t want her to sit next to you, consider picking another seat or even a different car. You may not want to alter your routine, but it may be the only way to shake her.

life

Sense & Sensitivity for July 14, 2018

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | July 14th, 2018 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been dating my boyfriend for over a year, and we have such an amazing relationship. However, he lives in Seattle and I live in Philadelphia, so we see each other only every couple of months. The other night, I went out with a couple of my girlfriends, and we ran into my ex. I never thought twice about him because I am so in love with my current boyfriend, but I was shocked when I saw him. We ended up talking for quite some time, and after our conversation ended, he kissed me. I think cheating is the most awful thing to do to a person, and I have never done it before.

I haven’t told my boyfriend about the kiss yet because I don’t want us to break up over something that meant nothing, but I know if it were the other way around, I would be devastated. Do you think I should tell my boyfriend about what happened? -- Cheating Girlfriend, Philadelphia

DEAR CHEATING GIRLFRIEND: If you feel like you cheated by talking to your ex or letting him kiss you, you should tell your boyfriend. You may want to wait until you see him next, which will give you perspective on the situation. Was it a one-off, or have the two of you reconnected in any way? If it is the former, you can honestly tell your boyfriend that you ran into your ex and it was intense but meaningless. If sparks continue to fly, you will need to report that and figure out what you want to do next.

Long-distance relationships can work, but they are fraught with challenges -- not the least of which is managing outside attractions.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

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