DEAR HARRIETTE: My wife and I have been married for more than 20 years. We have a solid marriage, but the intimacy seems to have faded away years ago. I feel like we are living as roommates more than husband and wife. Occasionally, I get mad about this. On more than a few occasions, especially if I’ve had a few drinks, I call my wife out on this. She got mad at me recently because I said something about her withholding sex from me in front of her family. Hey, I’m frustrated. I guess I figured if I say it in front of people who know her, they might be able to help me. It backfired. She got angry and slept in the other room. What can I do to get the spark back? -- Wanting More, Shreveport, Louisiana
DEAR WANTING MORE: Therapists suggest that the longer couples go without intimacy, the more challenging it can be to find your way back to it. Rather than humiliating your wife, which never works, consider getting help. A relationship coach or even a sex therapist might be helpful to you both. Chances are, something that happened years ago created a divide, and then the two of you just settled into a celibate lifestyle. You have to both want to find your way back to each other in order to get there.
Tell your wife how much you miss her and want to be closer. Ask her if she would be willing to get help with you. Be sure to have this conversation when you are sober and alone. You might also apologize for the times when you have embarrassed her in front of loved ones. Make it clear that you want the romance back, and you want to work with her to reclaim it.