Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: My boyfriend grew up skiing his whole life, as did all of his friends. I have never skied in my life. This spring break, our friends (who are all couples) decided they want to go on a ski trip to Aspen, Colorado. I agreed I would go along because I didn’t want to be the Debbie Downer of the group. As the trip gets closer, I am getting more nervous about the fact that everyone else on the trip are avid skiers, whereas I am a beginner. I have signed up for a couple of ski lessons while I am there, but I feel like I will be left out of most of the activities because I don’t ski. What can I do to make the best out of this trip? How can I feel included? -- Girlfriend Who Can’t Ski, Roxbury, Massachusetts

DEAR GIRLFRIEND WHO CAN’T SKI: Talk to your boyfriend about your conundrum. Ask him if he will spend a little time with you on the beginner slopes. You can call it a date! This should happen after you have taken at least one lesson so that you have the fundamentals in mind.

Decide that you are going to have fun. While most activities are on the snow, usually there are things to do inside in the lodge -- from watching movies to going to the spa (depending upon where you are staying) to hanging out and reading a book. Keep your eyes open. Chances are, there will be others there who are not skiing for whatever reason. Strike up a conversation with them. Plan activities with your friends for when they come back. You can make it work.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am writing to you not about myself, but about a close friend of mine. She has been one of my best friends for eight years now. She has been dating her current boyfriend for about two years. I have started to notice that I see less of her, and the only times I do get to see my friend are when her boyfriend is busy. To me, it seems like her whole schedule and life revolve around her boyfriend and his schedule.

My friend's relationship is none of my business, but I’m getting tired of being her backup plan and being used when it is convenient for her. Should I say something to her, or not bother bringing it up? -- Best Friend Vs. Boyfriend, Albuquerque, New Mexico

DEAR BEST FRIEND VS. BOYFRIEND: Yours is a classic tale, even though it feels fresh now that it's happening to you personally. Friends frequently lose sight of their besties when they fall in love. It’s almost like time suspends and they don’t realize that the rest of the people in their world have fallen to the wayside.

You can point out to your friend that you miss her and that you are beginning to feel neglected. Suggest that you create a standing date with her, perhaps once a month. Ask her to honor your time and not dump you if the boyfriend calls. See if bringing it to her attention coupled with a positive plan of action helps.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have always loved to work out. I recently moved to New York City, and I want to find a gym or studio to join. Everywhere I look, the gyms keep getting more expensive. I feel like there is nowhere in the city that has an affordable rate. My friend recommended just running or walking outside, but there are times when it is just too cold or it is raining and I would like to be inside. I am starting to wonder what all the other city dwellers do to stay in shape and not spend a fortune. Do you have any recommendations on whether I should make the investment into a gym membership? -- Runner Without a Gym, Brooklyn, New York

DEAR RUNNER WITHOUT A GYM: Having lived in New York City for most of my life, I can tell you that you are in luck. Essentially, you can find virtually anything at any price here -- with quality! As far as gyms go, you can find an affordable option. Gyms go for as little as $20 per month, possibly less.

To find a gym for you, first select your neighborhood of choice. Then, search online for affordable gyms in the vicinity. Next, comparison shop to see which gym best fits your personality and needs. You can do this!

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a 10-year-old daughter who will be entering middle school next year. Her father and I have been discussing whether to get her a cellphone. She, of course, has brought this up to us a hundred times and will not stop begging for us to get one. Most of her friends already have phones, but I am a bit apprehensive about getting her one. My husband and I did not get cellphones until we were 15 or 16 years old; I know it was a different time, but 10 years old seems so young to have a cellphone. I read tons of stuff online about how technology is so bad for children’s brains and how you should try to delay giving your kids a phone as long as possible. Is it too early to be giving my daughter a cellphone? -- Cellphone Debate, New Orleans

DEAR CELL PHONE DEBATE: You cannot base your decision on what happened during your youth. Life is different today. Evaluate your daughter’s movements. When is she not in your presence or that of a guardian? How much could she truly need a phone? If there are times when she is without direct adult supervision during the day, a cellphone could be a good safety measure.

The pros of your child having a cellphone include that you can engage an app to track her whereabouts. Life360 is among the most popular. You can tell her that you are monitoring her whereabouts, which will create a bond of trust and keep her secure.

You can manage the cons, at least the most common -- that she could become “addicted” to apps or social media. There are cellphones designed for children that limit the user's access to the internet.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I used to have a great relationship with my dad. Now, we barely speak. When we do speak, it is about money or something to do with my mother. (They have been divorced for several years now.) I am still in college, and my dad pays for part of my education. I am so sick and tired of that being all we talk about that I have decided not to answer my dad’s texts anymore. I’m not sure if this is the best or right decision because it can be seen as immature, but I don’t know what else to do. Do you think there is another way I could reconnect with my father without arguing about finances? -- Muted Daughter, Dallas

DEAR MUTED DAUGHTER: One way to get your father’s attention is to write him a sincere letter. Tell him that you try to understand his relationship with your mother, but that you don’t want to be in the middle of it. Acknowledge that you appreciate the fact that your father is helping to pay for your education. Make it clear that you understand that it is a sacrifice for him to take care of you. Yes, it is his duty as your father to support you, but that does not require paying for college. More, you want him to understand that you are grateful for whatever he does for you. Your gratitude may help to soften his communication.

In your letter, remind him of things you used to enjoy doing together or discussing. Tell him that you miss or desire a particular type of interaction that he will recall. Ask him to make the effort -- along with you -- to build a close bond as you grow up. Be kind in your note, not brittle. Your positive attitude may inspire him to step up.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have decided to travel to my college in a couple of weeks to attend an important fundraiser. I am super excited about it because the cause means a lot to me, and I get to spend time with my friends. I have been debating how I should get there. Last time I drove myself, but the drive got lonely. There is a bus, which I don’t mind, but there is always a chance of it breaking down. And then there is the option to fly, which is the quickest and easiest option, but is a little pricier. Do you have any recommendations or advice on which mode of transportation I should take? -- Weekend Traveler, Philadelphia

DEAR WEEKEND TRAVELER: Good for you for wanting to go to visit your school for a worthy cause. How do you figure out the best mode of transportation? Be practical. Drive only if you can find someone to ride with you. If you do find a passenger, be sure to get the person to agree to share the cost of gas and tolls. Buses don’t usually break down -- although it is possible. Compare the bus to the plane and examine your budget. If you can afford a plane, go for it. Otherwise, schedule your bus trip in enough time to accommodate for delays.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)