DEAR HARRIETTE: An ex-boyfriend keeps messaging me at 4 a.m., when intoxicated, saying something like, “I miss you.” I never acknowledge it, but it continues to happen.

I want him to stop messaging me, but I don’t know if that’s him indirectly saying he wants to talk to me about something. I want him to stop. Do I say something? If so, how do I word it nicely? -- Past Midnight, Austin, Texas

DEAR PAST MIDNIGHT: Your ex may be remorseful about the way your relationship ended. He may even want to get back together. So what! I don’t mean to be harsh, but I want you to throw some cold water in your face and look at what’s happening. He is not being respectful of you when he texts you in the wee hours of the morning, drunk, lamenting his state. This behavior is extremely selfish and unworthy of your attention. Saying something will not help matters, either, as that will let him know that you are noticing his texts.

Put your phone on “do not disturb” during your normal sleeping hours. That way you will not hear the buzz or chirp of a text or a call. You can also block his number if the messaging gets too frequent.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I know a friend who went to a formal date party with this guy who happened to be on a number of drugs. He was acting out of control, throwing things at people and at windows. He was all over the place. The people around him told him to stop, or they would call the cops. He did not stop, and they had to call the cops. When the cops arrived, they put the man in cuffs and arrested him. My friend told the cops everything, but left out the part where he pushed her. It did not sit well with her, and I would think she should fill in the gaps to the cops. Should I tell her? -- Formal Dates, Cheyenne, Wyoming

DEAR FORMAL DATES: Regardless of whether the date was formal or casual, it is never appropriate for someone to act out and behave violently. Your friend should have told the police that her date pushed her, and it’s not too late to do so. She can call or go to the precinct to inform the arresting officer of the additional details of the evening. If she is afraid that this person may retaliate if he knows that she told the police, she should make that clear to them as well.

If and when this person gets in touch with her again, she should be clear that she is not interested in getting together with him -- if that is true. If she thinks he will hear her, she can tell him about his behavior and about how concerned she was at his actions.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am disappointed that my family did not get me a card or anything for Mother’s Day. I am married with two children who are 9 and 12. I can see how the children might not think of it, though I always remember their birthdays and every other special day you can imagine. But my husband did not think to get a card for them or a present or anything. They didn’t offer to take me to dinner, so I ended up cooking. It hurt my feelings. Usually I organize everything, but I am tired of having to be the coordinator, even for what should be my celebration. How can I get them to understand that? -- Snubbed, Denver

DEAR SNUBBED: You have to train your family to take care of you the way that you would prefer. If you have organized everything for Mother’s Day and other special days every year before now, there is no reason that your family should have thought that things would be different this time. Their expectation, unless you told them otherwise, was that you would come up with a plan that they would follow.

Tell your husband and children that you are disappointed that they didn’t do anything special for you for Mother’s Day. Admit that you usually handle such things, but you were hoping they would take some initiative and think of something on their own. Do not guilt them. Instead, you can tell your husband that you think it’s important for the children to learn how to celebrate you and all of the other special occasions. Ask him to help you teach them how to do that in the ways that you value.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I came home to the sound of my neighbors screaming their heads off in the hallway. The mother was cursing and hollering, and her adult daughter was videotaping her mother as they both yelled and kicked and cursed. It was distressing, to say the least, and I wasn’t sure what to do. Later, the mother called me to apologize for letting me see it, but then she spent 20 minutes rehashing everything the daughter had done to offend her. I have found myself hostage to this woman’s drama almost daily for the past few weeks. While I feel sorry for her, I see that I cannot be of help. How can I extricate myself from it, given that we are neighbors? -- In the Middle, Bronx, New York

DEAR IN THE MIDDLE: You must put your foot down. Tell your neighbor that you are terribly sorry that she is having such difficulty with her daughter and that you will pray for calmer times. Add that you realize that you do not have the skills to help her through this predicament, and it makes you uncomfortable trying to do so. Tell your neighbor that you want her to have a healthy, safe household, but you cannot help her get there. Recommend that she call the police if things continue to escalate.

When she calls you to talk about the blow-by-blow of what is going on, interrupt her and say that you cannot talk at that moment. Then end the conversation. If she continues, tell her that you do not want to talk about her problems, but that you continue to wish her well.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: One of my friends, "Emily," used to be an alcoholic and a drug addict. Now, she is completely sober. I am very happy for her, but she insists on going to bars with everybody and doesn’t like it when people call attention to her sobriety. Should I tell others to stop buying shots for Emily or offering her sips of their drinks? I think spreading the word to our immediate friends might help Emily feel more comfortable. -- Sober in a Bar, Newark, New Jersey

DEAR SOBER IN A BAR: One of the things that is taught in programs like Alcoholics Anonymous is to be wary of people, places and things that could serve as a trigger to a relapse. Your friend Emily is playing with fire by hanging out in bars with people who are actively drinking. It is not up to you to share her personal business, though. It is her responsibility to tell others of her sobriety.

Speak to Emily privately and express your sincere concern that her decision to hang out at bars with friends seems reckless and unsafe. You can also stop inviting her to go with you when you join others in bars. What you cannot do is control her actions.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been in a “friends with benefits” relationship for five months. Recently, "Alex" talked to me about our “relationship,” and I was stunned. I think he’s assumed we have progressed into a relationship, but this was never discussed. Do I have the obligation to explain where I feel we stand? I have considered just telling him this agreement is over. -- When You Assume, Baltimore

DEAR WHEN YOU ASSUME: If the roles were reversed, you would probably want to know where Alex stands, and if he didn’t tell you, chances are you would feel duped. So here’s a time when the Golden Rule applies. Do unto Alex as you would have him do unto you. That doesn’t mean you have to break up with him. It does mean that you owe him the truth. If you are happy with a casual relationship that sometimes includes intimacy but truly is not headed toward a permanent bond, tell him. Then ask him if he can handle that.

Believe it or not, some guys can’t. The stereotype is that only men can handle casual sexual relationships, i.e. the friends-with-benefits type of engagement. The truth is that there are people who can handle the relationship and some who can't. To avoid things getting messy later down the line and you hurting Alex’s feelings or destroying a perfectly good friendship, be upfront with him now. If he agrees to stay involved with you, do yourselves a favor and check in from time to time to see if either of you wants to change the rules.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)