DEAR HARRIETTE: I pay the phone bills of my adult children. They range in age from 18 to 29. I don't mind paying these bills, but my wife recently questioned why I'm doing so if they never answer my calls or text messages. I typically get ignored for a few days. For my youngest, I've tracked down his friend's phone numbers so I can contact him through them when he isn't responsive to me. Should I take my wife's advice and stop paying their phone bills since they don't use these phones to communicate with me? -- Ring Ring, Norman, Oklahoma

DEAR RING RING: As children grow up, it is natural for them to become more independent. This often means that they communicate less with their parents. That said, if you are footing the bill for their independence, you might have a bit of leverage here. Let me ask how often you call them. If you expect to speak to them every day, that may be unrealistic for certain children.

What you need to do is establish a rhythm with them that you both agree to honor. Ask each of them for a once-a-week call on a particular day, preferably within a window of time. Try that to see if it can become routine for you. If they continue to ignore your calls and you believe that you aren't being unreasonable with the frequency of your calls, put your foot down. Tell them that you are unwilling to continue to pay for their phones if they refuse to communicate with you on an agreed-upon regular basis.

Ultimately you may not be able to find an established time with each of your children, but chances are high that they will make the effort to be in touch more if they value your footing that bill. What you want to be mindful of is not lording the money over them. They are likely able to pay their own phone bills. What you really want is to be in touch.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have begun the process of downsizing to move into a small apartment. Originally, I thought I could have a minimalist lifestyle, but I've realized I am too attached to my clothing. How can I possibly let go of my prom dress, my first pair of high heels or my old college sorority shirts? Is downsizing not a possibility for me? -- Memories, Chicago

DEAR MEMORIES: Go through your belongings carefully and put them into piles. Which items do you need for your life -- for all four seasons? Which items fit into the memorabilia category? And which are simply extra? Maybe they don't fit, are out of style, whatever.

Allow yourself the opportunity to let go of things that are holding you back from your move. Solicit help. You may want to start by reading "The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up" by Marie Kondo. This is a precious book that will help you learn how to let go of things that are cluttering your life.

(Harriette Cole is a life stylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My teenage daughter confessed to me that she called the police to shut down a party in our town. She knew other kids in her grade were invited to this shindig and she wasn't, so she called the police to make sure nobody had fun on a Saturday night.

Honestly, I am disappointed in her. I know being excluded hurts, but I never thought my own daughter would turn into the town rat. What can I say to her so she understands I feel bad for her but don't think this is the way to make friends? -- Don't Squeal, Bronxville, New York

DEAR DON'T SQUEAL: Your daughter knows that her call to the police will not make friends. She is way past that point right now. She feels hurt and angry, and she came up with an effective way of retaliating against the other teens. This certainly is not a wise action. It is completely selfish and mean-spirited.

To get her to see that doing such a thing will only make life worse for her, you must appeal to her interests. What does she like to do? Who would she like to hang out with? What stands in her way?

Sometimes the reason that teens reject one of their classmates has to do with the behavior of that person. If there is something your daughter should do to temper her interactions with these desired friends, you can talk to her about that. What you don't want to do is encourage her to be anything but herself. This may mean that she needs to cultivate a new friend group. You can help her with that by enrolling her in extracurricular activities that require her to meet new people.

As far as addressing the call to the police, ask her to imagine how she would feel if someone did that to her.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My friends constantly lament about how their beach bodies are not ready and they don't know why. They are heavy drinkers, and with heavy drinking comes heavy eating. I try to limit my alcohol consumption so I don't end up hung over and to avoid the calories, but these lessons seem lost on my friends.

Is it my responsibility to try to steer them away from food when they are drunk? They constantly tell me not to "let them" eat while drunk, but I feel as though it is inevitable. -- Booze and Bikinis, Morristown, New Jersey

DEAR BOOZE AND BIKINIS: You are not responsible for your friends' alcohol consumption or for their calorie intake. Because you obviously care about them, you may want to tell them, at a time when they are sober, that they are killing their chances to meet their beach-body goal.

When they ask why, remind them that alcohol is highly caloric and so is binge eating, and they are doing both on a regular basis. Point out that it is their choice what kind of bodies they will have in a few weeks.

(Harriette Cole is a life stylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My ex-boyfriend and I ended our relationship tumultuously, and then I immediately cut him off. He tried to reach out to me a few times but eventually gave up. Months later, I find myself with questions about our relationship that only he could answer. Is it too late to try to reach out and get answers? I know nothing about his current life. If it is too late, how do I get closure on my own? -- Wanting Answers, Cleveland

DEAR WANTING ANSWERS: Think about what you hope to gain from speaking to your ex again. Be very specific in your internal inquiry so that if you decide to reach out to him, you can articulate why. Attempting to hammer through unresolved hurts and pain usually does not work. If you want to know exactly what happened at a particular time, or whether there was a behavior of yours that was offensive or off-putting, or why he chose to do X or Y, list those things.

Given that time has passed, you can reach out to him. If you have to leave him a message, tell him that you are sorry you could not speak when he tried right after the breakup, but that you are of a cooler head now. Ask him if he is willing to talk to you. If so, agree to speak on the phone or in person. Stay calm as you speak. Let him know what you want to talk about. Be willing to hear him out. Do not come with ulterior motives. Be in the present moment and see where it takes you.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I just started a new job and love the company culture. We have fun together but also get a lot done for the community around us. The only thing that I am petrified about is my first karaoke night. Once a month, everybody goes to the same bar, and everyone sings a song. I am a horrible singer with terrible stage fright. Would I lose all my credibility with my new co-workers if I didn't come? They are all excited to see me sing, and they often remind me that nobody has ever skipped out. -- Deer in Headlights, Milwaukee

DEAR DEER IN HEADLIGHTS: This kind of company "hazing" is all too common and surely can lead to embarrassment. Yet it is almost like a rite of passage for some people. Sounds like it is for your job.

You should let everybody know that you really can't sing. Make it clear up front. Then, pick a funny or upbeat song that you can talk to rather than sing. Make it fun. Act it out rather than even attempting to sing to it. Do your best to turn your shortcoming into an asset by claiming it and delighting in your limitations.

(Harriette Cole is a life stylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)