DEAR HARRIETTE: When going abroad, is there still an expectation to bring back souvenirs for friends and family? I feel like I have never appreciated a keychain or refrigerator magnet, but I do not want to offend anybody. -- Tchotchkes, Dallas

DEAR TCHOTCHKES: This is a great question. Remember when cheesy T-shirts were popular, the ones that said some version of “My friend went to --, and all I got was this lousy T-shirt”? That was a cute gimmick.

You are right that many impulse tourist gifts end up being a waste of money. Why not think differently? Take a lot of pictures on your journey. Send specific images that would be of interest to certain people. If someone loves flowers and you visit a beautiful garden, send that photo. An art lover might appreciate an image of a famous museum or work of art -- if you are allowed to photograph it. You could also purchase postcards of the art that you see.

If you happen upon a gift item that seems perfect for one of your loved ones, by all means get it. The way you can protect yourself from hurt feelings of others who didn’t receive something extra is to have a photo for everyone. You can also save it for their birthday.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My brother is a recovering alcoholic who does not drink. At a large gathering, he raised his glass of water to toast and was quickly berated by someone saying that is “bad luck” to toast with water and to order a drink. Is toasting with water actually bad luck? If so, how can he get around this superstition without alerting everybody to his struggles? -- Water Only, Cincinnati

DEAR WATER ONLY: I am not an expert on luck, nor do I buy into such claims, though I have heard them. The superstition goes back to Greek mythology, where it was presumed that the dead were to drink water from the River Lethe to forget their past lives. While many hold onto some lingering sense of dread regarding toasting with water, your brother does not have to buy into that convoluted thinking. He could simply choose to brush off anyone who challenges him on what’s in his glass.

What some recovering alcoholics do to keep people off their back at social functions is to accept a glass of wine but never drink it. This works only for a person with clear resolve, so that the wine presents no temptation. If there is a glass of wine at the person’s place setting, generally people leave you alone.

Less risky is simply to have a glass of something non-alcoholic. Juice or iced tea is colored and could be less of a standout for your brother, since he wants people to not notice his alcohol-free glass.

Most important is for your brother to do what helps him to stay sober. He is under no obligation to tell anyone about his recovery, though it might help him to have a buddy with him at these events who knows his situation and can be of support. Another thing for him to notice is that there surely are other people at any event who are not drinking -- for whatever their reasons. He is probably not alone.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My mother moved to the United States from Eastern Europe recently. She speaks a little English and tries to socialize. She doesn't understand that we don't comment on someone's weight gain in America. Where we are from, this would be a normal observation to make upon seeing someone, like a change in appearance of hair, yet in America it is deemed incredibly offensive.

Is there anything I can tell her about conflicting cultures to help her understand she is hurting feelings? She is nearing her 80s. -- You've Got Weight, Chicago

DEAR YOU’VE GOT WEIGHT: Given your mother’s social nature, it is clear that she wants to connect and be welcomed by the people she meets in her new homeland. I am certain that she does not want to offend or insult anyone. This is a case of simple ignorance -- of not knowing the social mores of this country and how to navigate them. It is your job to teach her.

Point out to her that you believe she is hurting people’s feelings without realizing it. Give her concrete examples of how her comments about the way that people look likely seem critical and rude here, because Americans typically choose to say nice things or nothing at all when face to face with others. It may be tough at first to temper her commentary. Suggest that it is worth it as she wants to make friends. Give her a list of things to stop saying, including critically commenting on someone’s weight, appearance or personal relationships. She will get the knack of it in time.

DEAR HARRIETTE: All my life I have thought about buying a horse. In my head, it would be the symbol that I had “made it” financially. Now, I can afford a horse, but I find myself balking at the idea. My husband is proud that I have finally accomplished this level of stability.

I don't know if I can devote enough time to riding this horse to make sure it is exercised. I don't know if it would get lonely without someone coming by a few times a day. Is this benchmark incomplete if I don't follow through on this purchase? Now that I can do this, I don't think I'd be right for it. -- Pony Up, Upper Marlboro, Maryland

DEAR PONY UP: There is a huge difference between being able to afford to do something and making the decision to do it. You should be proud of yourself for reaching a level of financial security that allows you to be able to purchase a horse. It seems that it was an ambitious and inspiring goal for you for some time.

Now that you are at the crossroads of making the decision as to whether you will buy a horse, do more research. Find horse farms nearby that may board horses. Learn how much it would cost for your horse to be boarded there. Review all costs, including veterinary care. Learn about how often you can visit -- all of the terms. If you board your horse, you can still have it but pay others to make sure it is exercised. This could be the solution for you. Or you may want to ride horses that are already there and not own a horse yourself. Let the research guide your wallet.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I lost my mother a few weeks ago. While I have been consoled and rallied behind, I have strangely felt OK throughout this whole ordeal. My mother and I were close, and it feels surreal to lose her, but I feel guilty that I am not as upset as everyone expects me to be. Should I get help? I haven't communicated this feeling with anyone. -- Keeping On, Philadelphia

DEAR KEEPING ON: People deal with death in their own ways. Your friends and loved ones obviously want to support you in whatever ways that they can. Sometimes that help can backfire if it makes the one in mourning feel inadequate. Try not to dwell on what others are saying. Live your life and think about your mother as she naturally comes into your awareness. Since you and she were close, that may be why you are managing well. If you had no unresolved issues, then you may not have anything to feel guilty about.

Allow yourself to move on at your own pace. If you are not feeling upset right now, you do not need to get counseling. There are five stages of grief that have been identified: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. It is commonly believed that people move through each of these stages before becoming resolved with whatever or whomever they are grieving. Pay attention to your mood in the coming weeks. If you find that you become agitated, upset or otherwise unsteady, that’s when you should reach out for help.

DEAR HARRIETTE: One of my windows is placed directly above a radiator, making it hard to get curtains of a proper length that wouldn't be a fire hazard. Coincidentally, this window faces my next-door neighbor’s home. My neighbors leave their driveway floodlight on all day and night. It interrupts my sleep, and cannot be great on their electricity bill. Could I ask them to turn it off? I would never put my neighbors in a position like this. -- Conserve Energy and Sleep, Pikesville, Maryland

DEAR CONSERVE ENERGY AND SLEEP: This challenge calls for a two-pronged approach. Invest in a shade for your window. A shade will block more light than a curtain, and it will not hang below the windowsill. Many ready-made shades fit standard-size windows. Measure yours before you go shopping to be sure you purchase the right size. You can also have a shade made specifically to fit your window, though that’s likely not necessary. Make sure you have done your part in your home before you move to step two.

Now, you can ask your neighbors if they would consider turning their floodlight off at night. Explain that it is bringing light into your home and causing you discomfort. Point out that you have already invested in window coverings to try to block the light, but you need their help as well. Suggest that they put the light on a timer so it doesn’t become a hassle for them.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)