DEAR HARRIETTE: I just found out that my daughter has been using her emergency credit card, which I gave her when she went away to school, for frivolous purchases. I gave her this card with the confidence that she would use it in case she were ever stranded and needed it for safety.

I know she is using this to buy herself expensive sushi dinners, but I can’t bring myself to take it away. I would never forgive myself if something happened to her. How many more chances should I give her with this credit card? -- First Strike, Towson, Maryland

DEAR FIRST STRIKE: Your daughter needs to learn how to be responsible with the card. Rather than taking it away from her, let her know that she must pay the bill. This means she may need to get a part-time job while she’s at school. This is very common for college students. Suggest that she speak to the administration office to learn of work-study jobs that might be available. She may want to talk to a professor in her major to see if she can work a few hours a week with him or her. Don’t do the legwork for her.

Give your daughter a certain amount of time to repay you for the extraneous charges she made. Remind her that the card is exclusively for emergencies. Give her a list of what you consider emergencies to be, and have her agree out loud so that there’s no question about usage.

If she complies, let her keep the card. If she does not, take back the card and let her know that she will have to call you in case of emergency. She has to experience the consequences of her actions, or she will not learn.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My stepchildren have a very strong work ethic. They have both been working since their early teen years and are practically self-sufficient. My children, however, are older than my stepchildren and still struggle to keep entry-level positions (or even serving jobs). I wish I could take some of my stepchildren’s desire to succeed and give it to my children. Where did I go wrong? I tried to give my children the world. -- Need a Boost, Milwaukee

DEAR NEED A BOOST: You sound like a lot of parents these days who went above and beyond to ensure that their children had everything they needed to succeed. Interestingly, the desire to give has backfired for a lot of families. I believe this is because people need to work for what they achieve. Your intention did not yield the results you desired, because your children didn’t have to stretch as much as they needed to build that muscle of discipline that leads to success.

It is not too late. Talk to your children about their desires and dreams. Ask them to let you know what they want to do with their lives, and then encourage them to go for it. That may mean going back to school or choosing a different field for their work. Don’t use your stepchildren as an example. That will anger your children. Just encourage them to take their lives more seriously -- starting now.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am a woman who despises black-tie events. I do not like wearing dresses, and I usually opt for slacks or a men’s-style suit. As you might imagine, this doesn’t go over well with some of my peers. I have gotten comments asking if I have gained weight because I am not wearing a form-fitting dress! Is it unbecoming of a woman to dress in more masculine attire at these events? -- Suit and Tie, Reisterstown, Maryland

DEAR SUIT AND TIE: It used to be that women exclusively wore full-length evening gowns to black-tie events. Today, it remains the most traditional way for women to dress at these gatherings, but the rules have relaxed a bit. Some women wear cocktail-length dresses, while others wear ensembles with pants. These can range from something very masculine -- essentially a tuxedo for a woman -- to a satin pant with a fitted or flowing jacket. Sometimes the bodices of these jackets are adorned with sequins or some other kind of sparkle.

You can choose what makes you feel comfortable, but you must also accept that there will be people who cast judgment on your attire. What will be important is that you feel comfortable in whatever you are wearing and that you are prepared to deflect whatever criticism comes your way.

DEAR HARRIETTE: For my birthday and holidays, I have been receiving money as a gift from my family. When I was in my early 20s and not very financially stable, this was very important to me. Now that I have moved out on my own, I want to establish myself as an adult who does not need a check around the holidays or on my birthday. How do I present this to my family? I don’t want to seem ungrateful, just independent. -- On My Own, Bronxville, New York

DEAR ON MY OWN: I don’t think it is a good idea to ask your family to stop giving you money. This is one way that they express their love to you. Rejecting it will likely hurt their feelings. Instead, you can honor their gift by saving it. Consider putting the monetary gifts that they offer you each birthday and holiday in a long-term savings instrument. Let it accrue interest over the years. Accepting this money in no way says that you are not independent. Saving it to have in the future, however, shows a level of responsibility and vision that will prove helpful to you down the road. When the day comes that you use this money to help purchase something essential for your life, you can share with your family that it was their contributions over the years that helped you to save for this important milestone.

If your family naturally stops giving you money at some point, no need to address that. Just keep saving so that you have a solid nest egg down the line. Also, when children come into the family, feel free to give them small monetary gifts. You might even set them up with a savings account and teach them how to put it away.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: A friend of mine said she wanted to receive books on her birthday. I am an avid reader, so I gifted her three of my favorite books. Later, she told me that these books were incredibly up my alley, but she didn’t particularly enjoy them. Is there any etiquette rule that you are supposed to gift books based on the recipient’s tastes instead of your favorites? I wanted us to bond over these books, yet I realize I maybe should have given her books that she would have liked. -- Bookworm, Detroit

DEAR BOOKWORM: The going wisdom for any gift that you offer to another person is that you think about that person’s interests and give a gift accordingly. While it could have been right if your favorites had matched your friend’s, it sounds like you didn’t consider that when you chose them for her. This is something that many people get wrong when they are buying gifts for loved ones. You must step outside of yourself and focus your attention on the other person. What does she or he like to do? Hobbies? Interests? Creative pursuits? Take the time to reflect on that person before you buy or make anything.

Another good idea is to get a gift receipt for any purchase. This way, if your recipient does not like the item, it can easily be returned or exchanged without engaging you.

DEAR HARRIETTE: Whenever my husband and I are entertaining, "Jill" and her husband "Jeff" come over. Jeff makes me very uncomfortable because he likes to reference me being in the kitchen as where I should be. If I leave the kitchen, he jokes that my sink will miss me. These jokes are sexist, and Jill does nothing to stop them. I have been friends with Jill for only a few months, so I don’t feel comfortable confronting her about her husband’s behavior. Should I just ask my husband to speak to him man-to-man? I don’t know how else to resolve Jeff’s blatant sexism. -- Kitchen Has the Knives, Jackson, Mississippi

DEAR KITCHEN HAS THE KNIVES: Given the history of this behavior, my top recommendation is to sever ties with them. Talk to your husband and agree that Jill and Jeff are no longer welcome in your home. Clearly, Jeff is consistently disrespectful and thinks nothing of it.

If, for some reason, you are not ready to take back your invitation, you should speak up -- with your husband’s support. The next time Jeff speaks out of turn, defend yourself. Tell him you do not appreciate his rude commentary. Ask him to stop. Be sure your husband is in the room when you respond so that you have a witness and a support. He likely will have to ask Jeff to stop, too.

Honestly, is their friendship worth this confrontation? If not, just stop inviting them over to your house.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)