life

Going to Concert Isn't a Political Statement

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | March 16th, 2017 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I love country music and plan on attending a country music festival over the summer. When I invited my friends to this event, they ridiculed me for even wanting to attend. My beliefs do not align with the singer’s or most of the listeners'; however, I enjoy the music itself. Am I wrong to be going to a place where I won’t have much in common with the eventgoers? -- Country Loving, Philadelphia

DEAR COUNTRY LOVING: Do not let your friends or your political views keep you from your music. What’s very interesting about American culture, in particular, is that music has proven to be a conduit for opening people’s minds to other ideas. This has been true across party lines and belief systems.

You should go to the music festival with an open mind. Talk to people while you are there. Look for like-minded souls. I bet you will find a few! This may be your opportunity to expand your friend group without having to alter your worldview. You can be you and navigate your life in many different environments.

life

Sense & Sensitivity for March 16, 2017

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | March 16th, 2017 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: My co-worker "Ilana" uses our company email to inform us about her poetry events. I believe this is soliciting and find it incredibly annoying. I like Ilana, but I don’t care to use my limited personal time attending her events. Should I speak to human resources about this? I think she is stepping over a line as an employee by emailing dozens of workers about a non-work-related event. -- Not Coming, Brooklyn, New York

DEAR NOT COMING: I recommend that you simply ignore Ilana. You do not have to go to her events just because she has invited you. While it may seem annoying to you that she is soliciting you using office email, you do not want to be the one to squash your co-worker’s dreams.

If she ups the ante and badgers you and others about attendance, that’s a different matter. When that happens, speak to her first. Tell her your opinion -- that she is crossing the line of appropriateness at work to keep pressuring staff to support her extracurricular activities. Ask her to stop. Being direct is the mature approach. Should she ignore you and continue to solicit you for these events, go to human resources. When you bring grievances to HR, be sure to be specific and unemotional. It will not help you to act frustrated or irritated. Instead, have records to show the many email solicitations that have been sent via company email. Add the dates (to the best of your recollection) when Ilana has approached you and others during the workday to try to get you to attend her events. Explain that this makes you feel uncomfortable, and you need HR’s support to get her to stop.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

life

Friend's Social Media Obsession out of Hand

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | March 15th, 2017 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: My friend "Hana" is obsessed with social media validation. The second she posts on any social media platform, she automatically texts over a dozen of her closest friends to show support of her post. I didn’t see much of a problem with Hana’s texts until I was with her when she posted a photograph; she is glued to her phone for hours afterward! I know everybody wants to be “liked,” but I think she has crossed the line. Should I tell Hana that her social media obsession is unhealthy? -- Glued to Phone, Denver

DEAR GLUED TO PHONE: Good luck with this one. A strange side effect of the proliferation of social media is that it can often lead to disconnection and longing for affirmation. The drive for more likes has led people to mistakenly believe that a computer click is equal to a hug. It is not.

Can you help your friend to recognize that? It is doubtful. The way that many people engage social media today is reflective of addictive behavior. Your friend is caught up. You may be able to ask Hana to put her devices away when she is hanging out with you. Tell her that you think it is rude for her to constantly be studying her devices and engaging social media when you are together. Ask her to be fully present and enjoy your company. This is a fair request. If you can get her to stop obsessing over her gadgets and connect with you, you may be able to find the right moment to tell her that you worry about her social media engagement.

life

Sense & Sensitivity for March 15, 2017

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | March 15th, 2017 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: After a wine-filled night with friends, I accidentally told someone I strongly disliked them. Although I was inebriated, I do truly feel this way. I don’t want this moment to cause a rift in our group of friends. Neither of us was sober, and I am not sure if the person, "Dan," even remembers this specific moment. Should I apologize to him even though I don’t know if he remembers my distaste? -- Wine Night, Shreveport, Louisiana

DEAR WINE NIGHT: This is tough. On one hand, it would be great to apologize for getting intoxicated and loose-lipped. It’s always a good idea to acknowledge your mistakes and accept responsibility. The problem is that you do not want to lie to Dan, nor do you want to tell him again that you don’t like him. You could call him and say that you are sorry you spoke so strongly to him at the gathering. You can admit that you know everybody was drinking a lot, including you. Apologize if you offended him in any way. Do not lie. You can honestly be sorry for hurting his feelings even if what you said is true. If, when sober, Dan chooses to ask you if you meant what you said about him, you have to be ready to respond.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

life

Politics Gets in the Way of Friendship

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | March 14th, 2017 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have distanced myself from a friend who supported a different political party than me during the last election. She and I had gotten into some pretty brutal debates on social media, and I finally had had enough of it, so I blocked her on all social media and basically stopped talking to her. Although my side won, I have been questioning whether I should have distanced myself from her because of her political views. Is it too late to reach out to her and apologize? The last time we spoke was in October, and I miss her. -- Political Divides, Winston-Salem, North Carolina

DEAR POLITICAL DIVIDES: The great thing about living in a democracy is that our culture is designed for people to be able to fight hard for their beliefs and then regroup after an election. There is nothing easy about standing up for your party or candidate and facing off with people who do not share your views. Yes, sometimes friendships get fractured in the fray. During this past presidential election, people dug in along party lines. The levels of animosity, disdain, anger and dissension were extremely high. It can be hard to recover after such a swirl of emotion.

But you can do it. Or at least you can try. Reach out to your friend and ask if you can get together. Apologize for being so intense during the election season. Tell her that you miss her and hope you can restore your friendship.

life

Sense & Sensitivity for March 14, 2017

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | March 14th, 2017 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: My neighbor uses my side of our shared driveway whenever she has company over. We have a mutual agreement that we can use each other’s driveways when we have company, yet I don’t recall agreeing to a weekly sleepover of her and eight friends. For the past four weeks, she has had these big groups, and there is no room for even my car sometimes. How can I rescind our agreement? I don’t want to start any neighborly conflicts, considering we will both be here for a while. -- My Driveway, Catonsville, Maryland

DEAR MY DRIVEWAY: You have to speak up. Tell your neighbor that her large group weekends are taking over your life -- well, at least your parking space. Acknowledge that you two agreed that you would be flexible with the shared driveway when you have guests, but you had no idea she would have large groups every weekend.

Suggest to her that her guests park on the street or somewhere else. Not having a place to put your car every weekend doesn’t work. If she balks, point out that the driveway is to be shared. It is unfair for you to have to give up your space on a weekly basis to accommodate her parties. Put your foot down. It could get testy at first, but if you remain clear and strong about your position, your neighbor should eventually come around.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

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