Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I went on a few dates with someone, but he never responded to my messages. You can imagine my shock when I saw him interviewing for a position at my company. I was asked my opinion on him, and I gave him a negative review because of how he treated me. Upon reflection, I possibly sabotaged him because of a situation outside of work. Should I change my tune on him, considering he is truly qualified for the job? I wouldn’t want karma to come back around and bite me like it could him. -- Mincing Words, Boston

DEAR MINCING WORDS: Think back on what you said in your negative review of this man. Were your words honest and accurate or conflated because of your hurt feelings? If you honestly believe that you were unfair to him based on his reaction to you, it would be wise to amend your comments. But tread lightly. You should not tell HR that you were so strong in your thoughts because he hurt your feelings. You can say that upon second thought, you have additional comments to add about this man.

If he does get hired, the day may come when you two get to talk. At that point, you may be able to tell him that his dismissive behavior toward you on a personal level definitely left you with a bad taste in your mouth about how he might behave professionally.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been taking appetite suppressants that I purchased online for a bargain. They make me feel sluggish and fog my brain, but I have lost a significant amount of weight. I love being skinny from these appetite suppressants, but I hate how they make me feel.

I feel like I have an angel and a devil on each shoulder -- one telling me to gain the weight and peace of mind back, while the other tells me to keep ordering the pills to maintain my figure. Who should I listen to? I love hearing compliments from my husband about how good I look. -- Skinny Minnie, Salt Lake City

DEAR SKINNY MINNIE: Next stop: your doctor’s office for a complete physical. Be completely forthcoming in speaking to your doctor. Bring the appetite suppressants that you are taking with you so your doctor can see exactly what you have been taking. Be frank in your discussion so that your doctor can figure out how best to help you. I’m sure your doctor will not recommend continuing to take anything that makes you feel sluggish. What may happen is that you get a prescription for something that can help you to stay the course without the negative side effects.

Please do not skip this important step. The medical tests that you will be given will evaluate the overall health of your body. It is very important to know if your organs are healthy. Sometimes taking these suppressants can wreak havoc on your body.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I try to stay up-to-date on the newest fashion and beauty trends. I have tried extending my look into the workplace, a local coffee shop, and have gotten compliments from customers. My boss, who is old enough to be my father, constantly gives me an eye roll whenever I come in with a new piercing or hair color. I wear my uniform and maintain a well-kempt appearance. Should I tone down my style just because my boss doesn’t like how I present myself? I cannot lose this job. -- Beauty vs. Bills, Syracuse, New York

DEAR BEAUTY VS. BILLS: This is tricky, in that legally you should be able to present yourself any way you want, within reason, at a job. More subtly, though, it is important for you to have a sense of what is expected at your job and for you to find a way to express your own creativity within a comfort zone for your boss, too.

Why not speak to your boss directly? Tell him that you enjoy having fun with fashion and beauty trends, but you have noticed that he sometimes seems to disapprove. Remind him that you do not break the rules. You always wear your uniform and stay neat and clean. Ask him if he has objections, what they are and how you can agree on a compromise that allows you some freedom and gives him some comfort. Talking to him may break the ice. You never know what your image provokes in him. If he has children your age who are experimenting with piercings, tattoos, colored hair, etc., you may be reminding him of what is happening in his life. Who knows? Talk to him.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a long first name and am almost always referred to by my nickname, “Dani.” When I introduce myself for interviews or more formal occasions, I want to introduce myself as “Danielle,” but I fear I will be seen as stuck up. As I get older, is it OK to abandon the shortening of my name? I would prefer to be called by my whole name, but I don’t want to negatively answer “Can I call you Dani?” -- Full Name Only, Stamford, Connecticut

DEAR FULL NAME ONLY: Let’s start with your name: Danielle is not long. It sounds like you are part of a community that likes to shorten names. Living in a nickname culture can make it tough to reinforce a more formal name.

Here’s the thing -- your name belongs to you. You have every right to be called whatever you prefer. If you are asked if people can shorten your name, say no. State that you prefer being called Danielle. This may take time, but certainly in job interviews and other formal events, feel free to claim your full name. What happens for many people is that over time as they mature, their new set of associates and friends begins to call them by the name they put forth. Often, family and childhood friends will cling to your nickname for life. You may have to endure that. Later in life you may even consider it nostalgic.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have decided to learn how to cook my favorite foods instead of wasting money on buying them already prepared. I make sushi for myself and was so proud that I had accomplished this on my first try. My good friend told me that this was offensive and not the authentic method of making sushi. I used riced cauliflower and had my whole confidence shattered. Am I offending an entire culture by altering an age-old recipe? -- Rollin’, Washington, D.C.

DEAR ROLLIN’: It is time to expand your friend group! Good for you that you are trying out recipes and adding your own twist to them. Please know that you can cook food however you like. If you were entering a cooking contest, that would be one thing, but learning to cook for yourself and friends should be fun. For the purists in your life, let them eat store- or restaurant-bought sushi.

Continue experimenting to see what you can prepare. Do note that there are plenty of chefs who combine elements of one cooking style with another to create their own unique dishes. It is called "fusion" cuisine. You are not alone. The thing about sushi is that you need to be precise with raw fish to ensure that you make something that is safe to eat. Go for it!

DEAR HARRIETTE: My boyfriend has gotten increasingly quirky in the bedroom. It is so embarrassing to me, considering I am much more conservative on these matters. For example, biting has occurred, and I don't like this. How should I communicate that I don't like this progression in our relationship? -- Bruised, Raleigh, North Carolina

DEAR BRUISED: You would think that it should be easy to talk about what goes on in the bedroom, considering how many couples are getting busy under the sheets. But the reality is that many couples rarely say a word about their desires or preferences and instead fumble around trying to figure out what works for them. This gets tricky when one partner wants to do something the other is not interested in.

You must speak up. As awkward as it may seem, you have to tell your boyfriend -- when you are not in the bedroom -- what you like that he does to you and with you, and where you want to draw the line. If you really don’t like biting or anything else that he does, you have to speak up, or he won’t know. People are not mind readers. This is true even if your behavior would suggest, in your mind, that it’s obvious that you don’t like something that he is doing. Speak up and tell him what you are willing to try and what you don’t want to do anymore. Be crystal clear. If he balks, be honest and let him know how this behavior makes you feel. Being subtle about your feelings won’t work here. State it bluntly so that he knows your position.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)