Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I try to stay up-to-date on the newest fashion and beauty trends. I have tried extending my look into the workplace, a local coffee shop, and have gotten compliments from customers. My boss, who is old enough to be my father, constantly gives me an eye roll whenever I come in with a new piercing or hair color. I wear my uniform and maintain a well-kempt appearance. Should I tone down my style just because my boss doesn’t like how I present myself? I cannot lose this job. -- Beauty vs. Bills, Syracuse, New York

DEAR BEAUTY VS. BILLS: This is tricky, in that legally you should be able to present yourself any way you want, within reason, at a job. More subtly, though, it is important for you to have a sense of what is expected at your job and for you to find a way to express your own creativity within a comfort zone for your boss, too.

Why not speak to your boss directly? Tell him that you enjoy having fun with fashion and beauty trends, but you have noticed that he sometimes seems to disapprove. Remind him that you do not break the rules. You always wear your uniform and stay neat and clean. Ask him if he has objections, what they are and how you can agree on a compromise that allows you some freedom and gives him some comfort. Talking to him may break the ice. You never know what your image provokes in him. If he has children your age who are experimenting with piercings, tattoos, colored hair, etc., you may be reminding him of what is happening in his life. Who knows? Talk to him.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a long first name and am almost always referred to by my nickname, “Dani.” When I introduce myself for interviews or more formal occasions, I want to introduce myself as “Danielle,” but I fear I will be seen as stuck up. As I get older, is it OK to abandon the shortening of my name? I would prefer to be called by my whole name, but I don’t want to negatively answer “Can I call you Dani?” -- Full Name Only, Stamford, Connecticut

DEAR FULL NAME ONLY: Let’s start with your name: Danielle is not long. It sounds like you are part of a community that likes to shorten names. Living in a nickname culture can make it tough to reinforce a more formal name.

Here’s the thing -- your name belongs to you. You have every right to be called whatever you prefer. If you are asked if people can shorten your name, say no. State that you prefer being called Danielle. This may take time, but certainly in job interviews and other formal events, feel free to claim your full name. What happens for many people is that over time as they mature, their new set of associates and friends begins to call them by the name they put forth. Often, family and childhood friends will cling to your nickname for life. You may have to endure that. Later in life you may even consider it nostalgic.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have decided to learn how to cook my favorite foods instead of wasting money on buying them already prepared. I make sushi for myself and was so proud that I had accomplished this on my first try. My good friend told me that this was offensive and not the authentic method of making sushi. I used riced cauliflower and had my whole confidence shattered. Am I offending an entire culture by altering an age-old recipe? -- Rollin’, Washington, D.C.

DEAR ROLLIN’: It is time to expand your friend group! Good for you that you are trying out recipes and adding your own twist to them. Please know that you can cook food however you like. If you were entering a cooking contest, that would be one thing, but learning to cook for yourself and friends should be fun. For the purists in your life, let them eat store- or restaurant-bought sushi.

Continue experimenting to see what you can prepare. Do note that there are plenty of chefs who combine elements of one cooking style with another to create their own unique dishes. It is called "fusion" cuisine. You are not alone. The thing about sushi is that you need to be precise with raw fish to ensure that you make something that is safe to eat. Go for it!

DEAR HARRIETTE: My boyfriend has gotten increasingly quirky in the bedroom. It is so embarrassing to me, considering I am much more conservative on these matters. For example, biting has occurred, and I don't like this. How should I communicate that I don't like this progression in our relationship? -- Bruised, Raleigh, North Carolina

DEAR BRUISED: You would think that it should be easy to talk about what goes on in the bedroom, considering how many couples are getting busy under the sheets. But the reality is that many couples rarely say a word about their desires or preferences and instead fumble around trying to figure out what works for them. This gets tricky when one partner wants to do something the other is not interested in.

You must speak up. As awkward as it may seem, you have to tell your boyfriend -- when you are not in the bedroom -- what you like that he does to you and with you, and where you want to draw the line. If you really don’t like biting or anything else that he does, you have to speak up, or he won’t know. People are not mind readers. This is true even if your behavior would suggest, in your mind, that it’s obvious that you don’t like something that he is doing. Speak up and tell him what you are willing to try and what you don’t want to do anymore. Be crystal clear. If he balks, be honest and let him know how this behavior makes you feel. Being subtle about your feelings won’t work here. State it bluntly so that he knows your position.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: As an early Valentine's Day present, my ex-boyfriend left a 6-foot-tall teddy bear at my front door. An oversized card was attached along with the bear. There is no possibility of a reunion between us, and I am stuck with this gigantic stuffed animal. Should I offer it back to him? I was thinking about donating it to a children’s hospital, but this bear must have cost hundreds of dollars. -- Can't Bear It, Milwaukee

DEAR CAN’T BEAR IT: If you feel like having a conversation with your ex, you can offer him back the bear. Thank him for it, but say that you cannot keep it. Know that you will be putting yourself in a situation where you will have to talk and likely explain your reason for not wanting to be together all over again. It could be kind for you to talk to him if you believe that you will be able to talk straight and be heard without having any old wounds open up as a result.

If you are not up for or interested in having that chat, donate it. Your idea of giving it to a children’s hospital is perfect. The bear was offered to you with love, and those children need every ounce of love they can get. You will be honoring his gift even though you will not be keeping it.

FYI: My husband bought a giant bear for my daughter a few years ago, and it wasn’t that expensive. Even the big ones come in different prices. Don’t let your guilty feelings about your ex spending money on you keep you from taking care of yourself.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am sober since a near-death experience with alcohol poisoning. I have learned to cope without a drink or shots at the bar; however, I have learned that people question my sobriety behind my back. I hate these rumors swirling, considering they aren't true. Should I confront the perpetrators of the rumor, or simply take the high road? -- Sober Sally, Dallas

DEAR SOBER SALLY: One of the side effects of stopping drinking (or any other communal habit) and still hanging with people who do it is that people will talk. You cannot control their chatter, nor should you try. What you must do instead is guard your sobriety. Even though you are strong right now, you may want to consider fortifying yourself by going to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings, at least for a while. You can gain insight into why people do the things they do with excessive drinking, and learn strategies for how to stay sober in the long run. These meetings are confidential, and many people have testified to their immediate and ongoing support in keeping them sober. Go to aa.org to find a meeting in your area.

One of the things that 12-step programs suggest is that you be aware of people, places and things. I mention this because your hanging out at bars with your friends could be dangerous in the long run. You may want to consider choosing more neutral locations to get together with them, as you also consider widening your friend pool. Find some sober friends to be part of your inner circle.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)