DEAR HARRIETTE: This past Martin Luther King Jr. Day, I used the day off to volunteer. I went to an event that invited elderly civil rights activists from all over the country. I had the opportunity to sit next to a woman who began protesting racism at age 10. While talking to her, she revealed that she didn’t support women’s rights or LGBTQ rights, and she voted for a candidate who shared her same views this election.

I was stunned; I admire her for her activism, yet I disagree with her on so many other topics. I wanted to challenge some of her opinions, but I was taught to never talk back to my elders. Could I have pressed her more on why some topics mattered to her, but not the others? -- Respectful Youngster, Boston

DEAR RESPECTFUL YOUNGSTER: Too bad you didn’t engage this woman more to learn more deeply about her views. The way to do it is to ask questions. Ask lots of questions so that you get greater insight into what the elder thinks. The challenging component could be offered through the framing of questions, delivered in a neutral tone so that you continue to speak respectfully even as you work to get perspective on why the elder draws the line on some issues and not others. This strategy for gleaning information, by the way, is helpful with peers as well.

You are more likely to get honest, open answers about how people think when they feel that they are being heard and that their comments are welcome. This doesn’t mean you must agree with them, but being open to receiving them creates space for them to be offered.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been recently hired as a copywriter. This part-time gig puts me below the level of assistant. I have been getting pestered by the assistant in and out of work hours about my progress. I am frustrated because I feel like she is concentrating her lack of power onto me because I am the only person below her. I don’t want to be put out of a job, but I cannot be receiving multiple text messages and calls on days that I am not even working! -- Fed Up, Austin, Texas

DEAR FED UP: Do some sleuthing at your job to get a sense of how you can ensure that your work is properly received by the boss above this assistant. Figure out the office dynamics, and work to forge relationships with this woman as well as others in the office. Be kind to her at all times.

When you are not at work, don’t be so available. If you receive texts during your off hours, do not respond immediately unless it seems to be an emergency. Also, let the assistant know that when you aren’t at work, you are often unavailable to communicate with the office. You do not have to go into detail as to what you are doing. Just draw the line about how accessible you can be -- without being rude. Assure her that you will have your work in on time and that if you have any questions or concerns, you will let her know.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: While driving my mother’s car to pick up my sister from the train station, I slid on black ice and hit the car in front of me. There was no way to avoid the incident, and I was shaken up. The other car was not damaged. When I came home, my mother did not ask if I was OK. She just cried about how she's going to get to work while the bumper gets repaired. This bothered me because she could've gone to pick up my sister and experienced the same situation. Insurance is covering the cost of repair. Should I offer to pay the deductible? -- Crashing, Roanoke, Virginia

DEAR CRASHING: It would be kind of you to offer to pay the deductible for the insurance. But your issue is something quite different. Your feelings are hurt because your mother did not seem to care about your well-being when you came home from the accident. She seemed to overstep you and immediately worried about her car and her livelihood. It may be that she unconsciously did that after she could see that you were OK. But you may want to tell her how you feel so that she can slow down for a moment and let the whole situation register. Ask her if you can tell her about the accident and how terrifying it was. Be sure to tell her that it hurt your feelings that she did not ask about how you were.

DEAR HARRIETTE: A couple of days ago, I attended a white-tie birthday party. On the invitation, it said that there'd be dinner and light hors d'oeuvres served. With this knowledge, I went on an empty stomach. There was no food in sight. I was famished, yet I felt like it'd be rude to ask where the food was. Could I have asked the host about the food if it said we'd be fed on the invitation? Other guests were murmuring about hunger as well. -- Hangover Management, Los Angeles

DEAR HANGOVER MANAGEMENT: One way to ask artfully about food at a party that has promised it is to ask the hostess when she plans to serve. If there is a bartender, you can also ask that person if he or she knows about the hors d’oeuvres service. Using the middle person, the bartender, to do the research could make it slightly less awkward because you then would not be asking the hostess directly.

If you ultimately discover that no food is being served, either stop or curtail drinking alcohol and leave the party when you feel it is time to eat something. You have to be responsible for yourself in all settings. When a party invitation says food will be served but it is not, or it is not enough, take steps to care for yourself by shortening your stay and finding food in a timely manner.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I fear my mother is losing her sense of self in her marriage. She remarried about a year ago, and I am really surprised by how much she has changed. Everything that used to excite her is gone now, replaced with my stepfather’s hobbies. She doesn't do any of her old hobbies, and I want to know what is going on with her.

I don't want to have her think I'm persuading her into divorce, but I want her to retain some individuality in this union. How do I get through to her? -- True to Yourself, Poughkeepsie, New York

DEAR TRUE TO YOURSELF: There should be a huge space between asking your mother about re-engaging old hobbies and walking down the path toward divorce. Since you brought it up, it seems you are the one to have to come to terms with your objectives in speaking to your mother. Be sure that your intentions are clear. If your goal is to check to be sure that your mother is happy, stay in that lane. If you secretly resent your stepfather, tread lightly. This is your mother’s life.

That said, talk to your mother. Ask her how she’s doing. Inquire about one or two of her favorite hobbies and if she continues to pursue them. Learn about her new life with her husband and what she enjoys about it. If you listen carefully, you will get a sense of whether she enjoys being immersed in her husband’s world. If she likes it, great. If she seems to have gone overboard right now, have patience. She may find a middle ground in time.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My father is so embarrassingly cheap, I don't want to be with him in a restaurant. I have seen him dissect every part of a bill and attempt to get a quarter off the check because he asked for no pickles. He is fairly wealthy, but he believes that he must be frugal to preserve his wealth. Is there any way to show him how embarrassing his behavior is? I've seen him order hot coffee with a cup of ice cubes because iced coffee was slightly more expensive. -- Save and Spend, Shreveport, Louisiana

DEAR SAVE AND SPEND: Your father may be living at the extreme of his thinking, but it is true that the person who saves money has money. Try a unique approach. When you are not in a compromising situation, like paying a bill at a restaurant, talk to your father about money. Ask him to teach you how he built his wealth. Listen to him tell you about his financial pursuits. Do your best to get his ear by being a good student.

Over time, change the conversation a bit. Ask him to tell you why he argues about bills all the time, and other such things. Tell him that you respect his desire to be respectful of money, but you fear that in his frugality, he is being rude to others. Give him examples of behaviors that make you uncomfortable. Ask him if there is a way that he can teach you to be mindful of money without being unkind or cheap with others. This may create space for an eye-opener for him.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)