DEAR HARRIETTE: I am 23 years old and learning how to "adult." Recently, my friend's father passed away. The death wasn't unexpected, but it is still tragic. Knowing this information, my friends and I wanted to send over flowers. Do you send flowers to the residence or to the funeral home? I am not sure which is more formal, or if there is a certain size accepted for funerals. -- Somber, Raleigh, North Carolina

DEAR SOMBER: One of the cold realities of adulthood is dealing with death. There is no one rule to follow. As it relates to flowers, you can send flowers to the home. A floral arrangement that is self-contained, meaning in a pot or vase, is preferable, as you do not want to make any extra work for the grieving family. Be sure to include a personalized message to your friend. Include your address. Family members usually like to send thank-you notes, so it is best for you to make it easy for them to be in touch with you.

If you would like to send flowers to the church or funeral site, find out where and when it is. You should send the flowers the day of event with a delivery early enough for the flowers to be placed before the ceremony. It's best to contact the funeral site to get particulars about where and when flowers can be received. In this case, order flowers for display at the funeral. Often, these flowers are white, typically gladiolas or carnations, although other flowers are also used. Again, you should enclose a card of condolence that states who is offering the flowers. There is a standard size and scale for these flowers. The florist can help you sort that out.

More, be in touch with your friend. Reach out and offer your love and blessings during this difficult time. Ask what, if anything, you can do to support your friend.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My mother is hosting Thanksgiving and Christmas this year, and she is trying to enforce a black-tie dress code. This would be great if it were adults-only, but there will be kids there. I can't dress up my little cousins in formal attire without screaming and crying. They are toddlers who just want to run around. Do children get leniency when there are dress codes enforced? -- Let Them Be Comfortable, Dallas

DEAR LET THEM BE COMFORTABLE: Before you presume what young children will do, make a plan that includes them. It can be fun to dress up, even for little children, for a formal affair. Your attitude and enthusiasm will make all the difference.

Express excitement over the chance for everyone to get fancy for the holiday meals. Pick clothing for the children that is easy to clean, and bring a change of clothes for them as well. Teach them that they should stay clean and tidy through the meal. Afterward, they can change.

When I was growing up, everyone dressed up for holiday meals as well as all special occasions. This taught the children the appropriate attire and behavior for special events. We also learned to dress ourselves. Your cousins can, too! You must lead the way -- with a smile on your face!

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I hate my birthday. I try to make it a fun event every year, but it ends in either tears or injury for me. This year, I've decided to not celebrate my birthday and spend it alone. I was planning on getting takeout from my favorite restaurant and spending the day with my dog.

I told my friends about how excited I am, and my friends insist on spending the day with me. I just want to be alone, and I think I will have fun this way. I don't want gifts or attention, and I want to tell my friends to leave me alone because they think how I planned my day is "sad." -- Solo Birthday, Minneapolis

DEAR SOLO BIRTHDAY: Your mistake was telling your friends your plan. Naturally, they want to do a group activity, especially since they do not understand or accept your motivation. In order to ward them off, either schedule another date to get together with them so that they are satisfied and don't stage a surprise intervention, or put your foot down, make your plans, lock your door and don't answer. I suggest you do the former. It will allow you more peace of mind to enjoy your solo celebration. Happy birthday!

DEAR HARRIETTE: I live with roommates in a large suburban house. I have been hearing, for lack of a better descriptor, "intimate" noises practically every day. These are always from the same room while everyone is home. I find this disrespectful and annoying. After work, I shouldn't be coming home to an uncomfortable environment. Is there anything I can say to the disrupters? This is loud enough to be heard on the entire second floor. -- Hush Up, Syracuse, New York

DEAR HUSH UP: Talk about awkward! This is one that needs to be addressed directly enough for your roommates to get the message.

One direct, yet indirect option is to slip a note under the door when you get home and hear the action, saying: PLEASE KEEP IT DOWN! ROOMMATES ARE HOME. You can also say something one-on-one. When you next see your roommate, say that it has become uncomfortable for you when you come home from work because you routinely hear sex noises. You can use a little humor and tell your roommate that you are happy that he or she is getting so much action, but switch immediately to the impact on the house. Suggest that there should be PG time in the house up until a specific hour that everyone votes on. Add that your randy roommate should consider buying a rug and other noise mufflers so that when it's time to get busy, there are some built-in sound absorbers that can help keep the intimacy private.

If your roommate says it's not a big deal or otherwise dismisses your request for lowering the volume, get serious and remind him or her that this is a shared house. If necessary, enlist your other roommates to talk to the offender about being more mindful of the other people in the house.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been working as a freelance writer for most of my life. I have been able to make a decent living for myself, but I don't have much extra. I had a heart attack a few years ago and have had various other health concerns. As a result, I had to figure out how to get proper health insurance and other support.

So, now I'm looking to retire. I just can't work at the pace I once did anymore. I feel like I will be able to retire if I stay lean in my spending. I guess I'm a little nervous about how my friends will look at me. I am getting some government assistance and hopefully will soon receive Social Security. I'm 65 years old, so I qualify for everything I will be getting, but I worry that my friends will think I am trying to take from the government even though I have paid in with all my taxes and everything for my whole life. How can I reconcile these feelings? -- Ready to Retire, New York City

DEAR READY TO RETIRE: Your true friends should be happy for you that you were able to overcome your health concerns and be able to retire with enough money to take care of yourself. You should make a mental note about anybody else with sharp opinions about your circumstances. They should not be in your inner circle and have no need to know details about your retirement. Surround yourself with people who are compassionate and practical.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have found myself spending time traveling whenever I get time off instead of going home to see my family. I feel guilty about this, but I am young and won't have these funds and freedom when I have a family. I haven't seen my parents in over a year, due to jetting off whenever I can. We FaceTime, but my mom has asked me to come home for Christmas this year. Should I cancel my trip (it's been paid for) to surprise my mom? I'm on the fence because I could see her in January. -- Travel Bug, Cincinnati

DEAR TRAVEL BUG: What you need to do is strike a balance between your world exploration and your connection to family. The tricky part is that when you are ready to settle down, your parents may not be around to share that with you. Also, you may have less time to visit your parents when you have children.

For now, get a feel for how your parents are doing. If you think they are healthy, you can potentially tell them of your trip and promise to come home in January. They will surely be happy to see you whenever you can come. But make sure that your January trip is long enough to connect with them in a meaningful way. Pledge to add more trips home to your schedule for next year. That would be a perfect New Year's resolution!

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)