Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I was a baker for a number of years. I now work in construction, but I still have my skills. My friends love to ask me to bake them cakes for birthdays when they didn't think to order a cake (or want a freebie). This bothers me because although I like to bake for others, this is just exploiting my abilities. I've tried saying no to the requests, but I get guilted into it or iced out. How do I stop being the bakery for my friends? -- Betty Crocker, Los Angeles

DEAR BETTY CROCKER: Over the years, I have learned an important lesson: It is essential for people to stand in their own power in order to have ease in their life. This means having the courage and presence of mind to understand what your responsibilities are and what your value is, and that it is imperative for you to let others know that. This includes your friends. It is time for you to stop feeling guilty for having talent. It is up to you to stop them from taking you for granted.

To do so, you should make a menu of bakery options that you are willing and happy to make. Figure out how much each item should cost -- including raw materials, time and creativity. List the prices next to the item, and then distribute the list to your family and friends. Let them know that while your primary job is in construction, you have decided to continue to freelance as a baker since so many people are interested. If you receive a request, verify that the person is willing to pay the price. Have a formal order placed and paid for before you start mixing. If they balk, invite them to go to the local bakery. The end.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I feel super insecure about my yellow teeth. Everyone else walks around with straight white teeth. Well, I never had braces and can't spend hundreds of dollars at the dentist whitening my teeth. I've tried the at-home fixes (banana peels, strawberries, coconut oil, etc.), but still find myself trying not to smile so I don't showcase my crooked yellow teeth. How else can I get dazzling teeth? -- Yellow Chompers, Washington, D.C.

DEAR YELLOW CHOMPERS: Look around. Most people with their natural teeth have some version of yellow teeth. Why? Teeth yellow with age. That said, you can avoid certain foods that accelerate discoloration. This includes coffee, red wine, beets and other deeply staining foods. Smoking is a disaster for teeth and overall health.

Beyond altering your diet, you can try a tooth whitener again. Guess what? Baking soda is a natural tooth whitener. Also, some of the over-the-counter dental whiteners can work quickly. But I want to say to you that we all have challenges with personal self-confidence. If you are able to see past your teeth, you will create the opportunity to cherish each moment of your life. Trust me, there are people with no teeth who find a way to savor what's before them. You can, too!

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: While doing a quick self-exam, I found a lump in my left breast. I froze and immediately scheduled an appointment with my doctor. I am almost 60 years old, and I haven't told any of my children about my hospital visits. The lump turned out to just be an infection, but I had cancerous cells removed more than a decade ago. Should I tell my children about my health scare? I don't want them to take my time left for granted, but I also don't want them worrying about me. -- Big Scare, Pikesville, Maryland

DEAR BIG SCARE: Now is not the time to frighten your children for no reason. Instead, make sure that you have a complete physical. Ask every question you can think of, and share every detail of your health history. Do your own due diligence so that you are clear about your health status. Given that your health scare was resolved, count yourself smart and still independent.

Thinking about the future, you should decide which of your children will be your main health advocate. Ask that child to agree to be that support to you. It's best if he or she lives near you so that if and when you have health concerns, it will be manageable for him or her to attend doctor's visits with you and follow up as needed. When you introduce the idea, be sure to say the truth, that nothing is wrong now, but you are thinking ahead and want to have your plans in order.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am beginning a journey of being sober. I realize at this point in my life, binge drinking alcohol is doing nothing but harm for me. However, my friends drink a lot. This makes me think about the saying "Tell me who your friends are, and I'll tell you who you are." I clearly can't make a whole new group of friends, nor do I want to.

How can I be the only sober person without drawing attention to myself? I am becoming sober because I want to focus on my weight loss and mental well-being. -- Friends Love Alcohol, Boston

DEAR FRIENDS LOVE ALCOHOL: Getting sober and being around drinkers does not work. For a short time at least, you will need to separate from your friends. This doesn't mean that you have to part from them forever. It does mean that in order for you to turn a corner and create a new pattern in your life, you have to go it alone for a bit. It doesn't work to try to disguise your non-drinking. Your friends will notice, and unless you are prepared to tell them about your choice and ask them to support you, you have to step aside.

You may be pleasantly surprised to learn that some of your friends may want to join you on this path if you tell them. Your happy medium may be announcing your plans to your friends and asking if anyone wants to make that choice with you. You will quickly learn if you have to go it alone, or if any of them chooses to join you.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I work at a late-night pizza parlor that is open until 3 a.m. A few weeks ago, we had a drunk customer accidentally start a fire in the restaurant with a lighter. I saw this happening and quickly jumped into action. The owner heard about this and promoted me -- while demoting my former manager. We basically switched jobs, and I am having trouble with the power dynamic. Do I truly have the right to boss someone around who dropped the ball only once? -- Job Switcheroo, Jackson, Mississippi

DEAR JOB SWITCHEROO: Stop thinking about your responsibilities as "bossing somebody around." Instead, consider your role as both a troubleshooter and peacemaker, at least for now. Talk to your former boss, and apologize to him for the turn of events, which obviously was beyond your control. Assure him that your intention is to do your best to make sure that the pizza parlor runs smoothly. Ask him for his help.

As you make decisions -- including assigning schedules, if that's in your purview -- be clear and direct. Review the responsibilities of being a manager, and state that you are following protocol when you make decisions. Ask your staff, including your former manager, to comply. Your clarity of authority and kindness will eventually smooth over the current tensions.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My wife and I have six adult children. As you can imagine, getting eight people's schedules to align can be a nightmare. We have all agreed to take a long weekend off from work and vacation together. However, my children can't agree on the destination. No one is willing to compromise, and instead they threaten to not take off from work. Is there any way I can wrangle everyone's opinions into one trip? I am juggling ideas of a ski vacation, the Caribbean and a city excursion. I just want my family to have a new experience together. -- Rough Travels, Cincinnati

DEAR ROUGH TRAVELS: Congratulations on rearing strong-willed children. Believe it or not, it's not a bad sign that your adult children have strong points of view. That said, you still must be the parent. Instead of having your family members fight to the death and attempt to exert their muscle, which is likely based on childhood power struggles, step up and invite them to a more creative solution.

Since the ideas are completely different from each other, consider a lottery. Tell your children that everyone gets the chance to choose once from a group of options that represent everyone's ideas. You need to be the tiebreaker, so make sure there are seven options, with all being different. Either have everyone literally pick from a hat -- if you can get them all together -- or have everyone vote and if you need to break a tie, do so.

Next year, the lottery can remove the vacation you just had and includes all of the current ideas. In order to participate in the lottery, everybody has to agree to join the vacation!

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)