DEAR HARRIETTE: I recently joined a feminist club that meets once a week. I've been to one meeting so far, and I was truly enlightened by the conversation.

The meeting started with a presentation about the term "Boys will be boys" and the harmful repercussions it can have on both genders. Then it got very personal. Childhood abuse survivors began to speak about their stories. I didn't have anything I wanted to share, so I stayed silent for the majority of the meeting. I don't want to feel uncomfortable speaking and sharing my stories, but I feel like mine don't have the same weight as survivors'. Is this a sign I should leave the club? I don't want to seem like an imposter. -- Feminist, Denver

DEAR FEMINIST: Don't let one meeting sway you. Give the club a chance so that you get a clear sense of its objectives, its values and the range of conversations that members have when they are gathered. Attend a few more meetings, and observe carefully. If you feel comfortable speaking up in the group, do so. Talk to some of the women one-on-one to see how well you connect with them individually.

It can feel awkward to talk about less traumatic issues if the group is focused on topics like abuse. In time, you will see whether the conversation broadens to other topics and if you feel like you will fit in.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I work on a small farm in Vermont. I am in my late 20s, and I have been working here since quitting a real estate firm. My father has been hounding me to return to the city and my salary. I want to prove to my dad that I can support my boyfriend and myself without getting a big-city job.

I've been looking at plots of land, but that would put me in some debt. My father still partially supports me, but I want to make the leap to independence. -- Small-Town Woman, Small Town, Vermont

DEAR SMALL-TOWN WOMAN: I'm going to sound old school here, but my question to you is: Why do you have to support your boyfriend? If you are both able-bodied young people, you should both be working to support yourselves. The burden should not fall on you. I wonder if your father is making his suggestion to wake you up to what it takes to be independent.

Working on a farm may be the job for you. To figure it out, make a list of your hopes and dreams as they relate to work and to life. What do you want for yourself? Write down your ideas. Be sure to include job and career ideas, too. As you review your list, notice what stands out. Focus your attention on how to make your hopes and dreams real. If your ideas keep you on a farm, fully commit to that. If not, plot your course to what will fulfill you. By all means, encourage your boyfriend to do the same.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My brother has a very malicious ex-wife. She is currently manipulating their children (my nieces and goddaughters) into not coming to celebrate a wedding on our side of the family. She claims that her daughters say they don't want to come. The manipulation of children so young saddens me, but I think my brother should let it go. He is adamant that the girls should be in attendance so they can see pictures later. They are young, between 8 and 11. -- Too Many Sides, Pikesville, Maryland

DEAR TOO MANY SIDES: You should stay out of it. Though well intentioned, you really have no say in what happens between your brother and his ex-wife, and adding your opinion may only confuse things. Just be a sounding board for him if he chooses to talk to you about it.

That said, I would tell your brother that he has to figure out how to neutralize the relationship between the two of them. This is essential for the health of the children. Now, it could be that a family wedding stirs up lots of emotions for his ex, which could lead to her not wanting the children there. Whatever the reason, your brother must figure out how he and his ex can come to an agreement on how they will parent their children, what they will agree to keep between the adults and how they will handle conflict.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My father grunts like a child when he's frustrated. This drives me insane. The habit suddenly formed when I moved away from home, so I didn't see any gradual changes over the years. He now grunts, moans and growls if he is irked. Phone updates, slow waitresses and long lines have been some of the culprits of this audible anger. It's embarrassing to hear at home, and mortifying to be associated with in public. How can I get him to quit? -- You're Grown Up, Boston

DEAR YOU'RE GROWN UP: You may not be able to get your father to change this behavior. As people age, they sometimes develop odd habits that stick. Point out to your father that he is making these sounds. When you are in his company -- preferably at home -- and he grunts or moans or growls, say something immediately. Ask him why he is making those sounds. You should find out quickly whether he is doing it consciously based on his response. If he is unaware of it, ask him if you have permission to point it out the next time it happens. Tell him that when he makes these sounds in front of others, it can be awkward and can hurt people's feelings. If your father is willing to hear you and understand that these sounds make others uncomfortable, he may try to stop making them.

But do know that there is a fairly good chance that your father won't stop. If he doesn't, you may have to learn to live with it.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My boyfriend has been trying to push the envelope on our intimacy boundaries. This leads me to get frustrated by his advances, or agree to do things I really don't want to do. I've agreed to new things just to silence his nagging. Am I the problem, or should he just be grateful that we're intimate in any way? -- Bothered by Boyfriend, Detroit

DEAR BOTHERED BY BOYFRIEND: You should never feel forced to do anything intimate that makes you uncomfortable. This is true whether your partner is your boyfriend or even your husband. The nature of intimacy is that it calls for trust. Trust is built by mutual respect. While it is not wrong for couples to explore new things and grow together in their intimate exploration, what does not work is for one partner to have to consent to participate in behavior that is uncomfortable or unwanted because the other partner is putting on the pressure.

Talk to your boyfriend about your concerns when you are not in the bedroom. Though it will likely be a tough conversation, you need to talk it out. Stand strong and make sure you say what you are feeling. If you feel unsafe, break up with him.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I had my brother help me out for a home-improvement project. I purchased every supply that was needed for the project. I don't know if I should pay my brother for his time and labor. I would drop everything in a heartbeat for him, and I know I completely took over a few of his weekends. Is it crude to pay him? I know I wouldn't accept payment from my little brother. -- Wage Dilemma, Hilton Head, South Carolina

DEAR WAGE DILEMMA: Even when you are working with family, it's smart to work through all the details of work projects before you get started. That includes whether the helper gets paid. And yes, that includes your brother. It is not too late to figure it out.

Start with an assessment. Do you have a sense of how much it would cost if you had hired someone to help you with this project? That would be helpful so you know what the value is. Next, do you have a sense of your brother's financial status? Is he financially secure, or could he really use the money?

I recommend that you speak to your brother about it directly. State the obvious: You realize you two did not talk about compensation for his time and effort. Thank him for the work that he has done for you, and ask him if he would like to be paid for it. You can offer a particular amount based on what you can afford and what seems fair.

The fact that you wouldn't charge him does not mean that you should expect the same of him. Let him tell you. If he refuses to accept money from you, buy him a present -- something that you know he would appreciate.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)