life

Reader Worries About Inviting Teens Into Home

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | October 17th, 2016 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: My son goes to a boarding school a few hours away from home. I am very proud of his improvements, and he has made many friends. My son primarily has foreign friends who are international students. Since he is the boy closest to home, he has invited five international friends to stay at our home for a long weekend.

I am preparing to sell my home, and teenage boys aren't always the cleanest people -- especially six of them. How can I tell my son that he can't invite so many friends over? I feel horrible excluding some children who can't go home. -- International B&B, Syracuse, New York

DEAR INTERNATIONAL B&B: If at all possible, do not make your son choose among his friends. Since they are far away from home, these boys need to feel connected and cared for, not rejected or hand-picked. Instead, make clear ground rules. Decide on areas of the house where they can be and areas that are off-limits. Explain this to your son first, and then when the boys arrive, tell the group what you expect. Explain that you are selling your house, so you need them to respect it. Then monitor them.

Sure, they will probably be a bit messy. But if the area where they hang out is clearly defined, including the yard, if you have one, you should be able to manage them without too much of a cleanup job on the back end.

life

Sense & Sensitivity for October 17, 2016

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | October 17th, 2016 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I went over to a new friend's house for dinner a few weeks ago. In all honesty, I was served a horrible meal. Practically everything was burnt and over-seasoned. This was clearly not intentional, and I find it so endearing that she went to such lengths to put together the meal. However, I keep getting invited back. Instead, I try to steer the group toward restaurants. I love the company. I just prefer to enjoy my meal as well. Is it wrong of me to keep pushing for restaurants as opposed to a (burnt) home-cooked meal? -- New Friendships, Dallas

DEAR NEW FRIENDSHIPS: You are going to have to address the elephant in the room. This can be hurtful and awkward, so you do have to be careful. The next time your friend suggests hosting a dinner, offer to help her make the meal, or suggest that it be potluck. This can open the conversation for you to carefully and honestly express your concerns. If she says, "No, thank you," to helping with the meal, let her know how much you appreciate her offer, but that you have some dietary restrictions and can better manage that in a restaurant or if you help cook.

Or you could be way more direct while using humor, and tell your friend that you love her company, but you don't love her cooking. Tell her that you appreciate her invitation. From there, you can offer to help her cook so that the burden isn't solely on her.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

life

Friends in the Crowd Can Make Open Mic Less Scary

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | October 15th, 2016 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am an aspiring comedian and have finally mustered up the courage to sign up for an open mic night. I haven't told my friends or family because I want to see if I can make strangers laugh, not just those who love me. Now I'm the most nervous I've ever been to perform, and I think it's because I won't have my support group there. Should I invite my friends and family, or is this worth going alone? -- Open Mic Jitters, Philadelphia

DEAR OPEN MIC JITTERS: By all means, invite your support group. If they help you to relax, welcome them to your first open mic. Trust that they cannot make the crowd react in a particular way, so the chances that they will sway the audience are limited. What they can do, which you clearly need and will appreciate right now, is help you feel comfortable and up for the job.

Other ways you can prepare for this debut include visiting the venue in advance so that you can be familiar with the layout; practicing your jokes until they seem second nature; remembering to breathe when you get nervous (something many people forget to do and which only makes you feel more uncomfortable); and trusting that you can do it.

life

Sense & Sensitivity for October 15, 2016

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | October 15th, 2016 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a dream to be a professional vlogger. I have been watching vloggers for years on YouTube and envy their jobs. So I decided it is my time to stop dreaming and start doing. I thought this was going to be a lot easier, and my friends make fun of me for constantly talking to a camera. I know I have the potential to make it big, but I just can't have snide comments under my vlogs! How can I tell my friends to hush it so I can have a great vlogging career? -- I Can Do It, Jersey City, New Jersey

DEAR I CAN DO IT: Your friends and their snide ways can serve as motivation for you. If you really want this, don't let them stand in your way. Prove them wrong and refine your camera sense, strengthen your voice and start posting. Be sure you are clear about your subject matter. In order to become successful at this, you will need to talk about something that others care about.

Since this will be video, take the time to stage your project. Be mindful of your surroundings. Check to ensure that the lighting is complimentary to you. Select wardrobe that looks good on you when you are on camera. Test your shot, and edit out anything that is distracting. While vlogs do not need to look perfect, it is good for your work to look clean and sound clear. In this way, you make it easy for others to engage it.

As far as comments go, please know that most people who post content online get strong negative commentary all the time. It seems that the anonymity of it allows for naysayers to troll the internet looking for content to attack. You will have to develop a thick skin in order to survive and thrive in this environment. So silently thank your friends for being critical. Toughen up and get posting!

(Harriette Cole is a life stylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

life

Profound Oversleeping May Have a Medical Cause

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | October 14th, 2016 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a very hard time waking up. I sleep through alarms and can't seem to get myself out of a fog in the morning. This happens no matter how long I sleep, and I hate how I can never wake up for things I want to go to. I work from home, but I miss other events like farmer's markets, fitness classes and seeing my children's Saturday morning soccer games because I can't wake up. I have tried all of the online tips, but I can't set alarms all over the house because I want my family to get their rest. -- Sleeping Too Much, Dallas

DEAR SLEEPING TOO MUCH: All indicators are telling you that it is time to get a medical evaluation. Make an appointment for a physical. Be sure to tell your doctor the details about your sleeping and waking patterns. There is a chance that your system is out of balance, which may be causing you to be lethargic in the mornings.

You may also want to check in with a therapist. As you work to get to the source of your issue, be willing to explore whether there are any emotional challenges that are troubling you now. What has changed about your daily routine? What is different in your life now compared to when (if ever) you did sleep more normally? Explore these questions and more with a professional, who may be able to help you uncover why you are having these difficulties and may suggest strategies for how to effect change.

life

Sense & Sensitivity for October 14, 2016

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | October 14th, 2016 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I got matching tattoos with my friends for my senior year of college. The tattoo is the geographical coordinates of my college town and sits proudly on my ankle. Well, it sat proudly until we all realized we got the wrong coordinates. We are about 45 miles off. I know I should've checked to make sure, but I trusted my friend who went first. I laughed it off, but now I am considering getting it removed or fixed. Is it worth going through the trouble if no one else will know that the coordinates are wrong? -- Botched Tat, Cincinnati

DEAR BOTCHED TAT: I vote for keeping the tattoo as is and having it as a lifetime experience that you and your friends share. The chances of anybody studying your tattoo long enough to figure out the mistake are unlikely. Even less likely is that anyone would know such coordinates anyway.

The camaraderie that you and your friends share is what's important. That you went all out to permanently commemorate your school on your bodies without checking the coordinates is a funny reminder of the folly of youth. I would only remove it if you just don't want the tattoo anymore. Its accuracy, given the circumstances and sentimentality, doesn't seem to be the most important factor.

(Harriette Cole is a life stylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

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