Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a fairly large plot of land, so I employ gardeners and landscapers to help me keep it presentable. I tend to my personal vegetable garden, but the grass, bushes and flowers are cared by a group of workers from Central America.

Recently, I witnessed my gardeners catcalling women from my property a few days ago. I don't speak or understand Spanish, but I saw that they were whistling and clearly making the woman walking on the sidewalk uncomfortable. I was home alone, and I totally froze. My wife would be furious if the neighborhood knew we employed men who made women feel uncomfortable just for walking. How do I stop this behavior? I did some research and found it is more common in Latin American culture to publically admire women. I do not condone this, especially from paid employees. -- Whistling Stops Now, Greenwich, Connecticut

DEAR WHISTLING STOPS NOW: This is a thorny situation, exacerbated by the language barrier and potential cultural difference. Best-case scenario, you should find someone who is fluent in Spanish who can serve as a translator for you. (It would probably be best if your translator were a man.) If you find someone, explain the situation and ask him to translate for you as you explain that calling out to women while working on your property is forbidden. Make sure you describe what you saw with your own eyes, including the way that the women reacted. Tell the men that you appreciate their work, but you need them to refrain from such commentary. That could be enough, especially if you have a good translator.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My parents have been divorced for years. Their relationship isn't the friendliest, but it could certainly be worse. Occasionally, one parent will ask me about the other, and I don't really know how to respond.

Growing up, we were told to not tell the other parent about things like finances or relationships. Now, I'm in uncharted territory when any questions come up, and I am unsure of how to answer. I don't really know the motives, and I'd love to believe the best from both of my parents, but I want to learn how to deflect or shut down probing questions about the other party.

How do I show that I'm not going to be a gossip about the other parent? Both parents do this. -- Broken Telephone, Syracuse, New York

DEAR BROKEN TELEPHONE: Stick with your tried and true rules. When either parent asks about the other, redirect them. Suggest that they pick up their own phones to check in. If pressed, remind them that not being a go-between or informant has worked well for you for all these years. No need to change it now.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: Money was never abundant growing up, so I don't ask my parents for spending money. I work odd jobs to earn it on my own. As I have gotten older, my parents have me pay for more and more. I've purchased all of my toiletries, clothing and furniture for my room. My parents pay for most of my food and the utilities, but other than that, I'm on my own. I pay for my own transportation, or I walk. I want to learn how to stretch my money. I'm still a teenager, so I can't really invest money in anything -- then again, I probably don't even have enough. -- Busted Piggy Bank, Washington, D.C.

DEAR BUSTED PIGGY BANK: Good for you that you are figuring out how to pay for yourself, even as you have the blessing of living with your family. Start reading up on money so that you can learn about saving -- even when you start with pennies, you can grow and stretch your money. Go to the library or online to learn about money management and creative freelance employment opportunities. Talk to your parents about what you are learning about money. This may open up the conversation and create space for all of you to talk together about how to plan for the future.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I'm a gay man who recently starting dating someone seriously after some time. Everything was going smoothly until I told this person that the person I would be having dinner with in about a week is not only one of my closest friends, but my ex as well. He told me that my friendship with my ex was not going to work as he has trust issues from past relationships, and he does not want me to keep in touch with my ex at all.

While my ex and I broke up three years ago, in that time, we've become close friends, and I don't want to cut off a friendship, because good friends are not easy to come by. Also, I don't even know if this new person is going to work out. Am I out of line for telling my new boyfriend no? What is the etiquette for remaining friends with an ex? -- No Competition, New Orleans

DEAR NO COMPETITION: This situation is common among many couples. Some partners are adamant about not continuing friendships with exes. Others are more trusting and welcoming. What you can do to help your situation along is to suggest that your current boyfriend get to know your ex, at least enough for the two of them to build the comfort of respect between them.

Let your boyfriend know that you do not want to have to choose between them, that your ex is a dear friend -- and in no way a current or potential lover -- and that you want to keep that friendship. Ask him to give the friend a chance. If they get to know each other, it may go a long way to resolving this situation. Know, however, that your boyfriend may never grow to like the idea.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My boyfriend and I have been together for three years now. Our relationship has been a crazy ride, but at the end of the day, we always made things right.

On one of our "breaks," he messed around with another girl. Nine months later, when we were back on good terms, she came back claiming to have had his child; DNA results proved my boyfriend was the child's father. Through months of therapy, prayer and commitment, we were able to make it past this. I made the choice to forgive him, and we made the choice to stay together.

I've come to love the very child that could've destroyed my relationship. My family and friends aren't ready to be so forgiving. It's been a year since the child was born, and they have yet to even acknowledge her existence. I found happiness and love in the little family we've created. Regardless of the fact that she's not my biological daughter, she knows I love her more than anything.

I'm happy with my decision, so I really wish my family would get over it. My mom invites only me to family dinners and acts as if I'm single. Everyone acts as if my daughter and my boyfriend don't exist, and I'm tired of it. If another Christmas goes by without them buying our daughter gifts or making us feel welcome, I'm cutting them off. How do I make them see that I stayed for the greater good? -- Forgiveness is Key, Miami

DEAR FORGIVENESS IS KEY: It sounds like you two have custody of this child. If you are indeed living as a family, make that clear to your family. Tell your mother you can no longer come to family gatherings if she does not welcome your nuclear family. Ask for her support and love, and ask her to invite the rest of the family to support you. Continue to act like a family unit, and hopefully your extended family will grow to respect that.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I recently started dating again after being single for two years. I'm trying to determine if my new guy really wants to be together. We've both been through bad relationships that left us burned, so we're both guarded. Is it possible for two guarded people to be together?

I want to connect with my boyfriend, but I'm scared to let him in and then wind up hurt or abandoned. I don't want to make it seem like I don't want him, because I do. It's just hard to let him in. I can't help but feel like this could either be a good relationship or a dead end. If we both have walls up, how will either of us really get to know the other? A part of me feels like if we let our guard down, our relationship can actually turn into something amazing. How do we stop holding each other back from the love we want most? -- Love Most Wanted, Philadelphia

DEAR LOVE MOST WANTED: Talk openly about your fears. Acknowledge to your boyfriend that you care a lot about him but believe you both are worried about giving it your all. Ask him if he is willing to try with you to see if you two have a future. Promise each other that you will be honest and kind to each other, even if the relationship doesn't work.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)