life

Reader Having Trouble Including New Boyfriend

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | July 13th, 2016 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I haven't been in a physical relationship in two years. I tried online dating, and that didn't work, so now I'm trying to get myself back out into the dating world. My friends set me up with a friend, and I like him so far. He's not in college at the moment, but I understand that everybody in life has setbacks. I want to give him time and see where this goes.

Sadly, due to me not having physical interaction with a man in two years, I don't know how to connect. Honestly, everything feels awkward. It takes me 30 minutes just to actually warm up to the fact that he's right there beside me. I'm so used to being on my own and single, I oftentimes don't bother to include him in the ways that other couples include each other in everything. I don't want him to feel like I'm uninterested, but I don't know how else to act.

How do I get comfortable around men again? How do I include someone in my day-to-day life after being on my own for so long? -- Unsure, New York City

DEAR UNSURE: It's possible that your awkwardness is in part because you have been out of the game for a while, but I'm guessing your lack of connection with this guy is due to lack of interest. Do an assessment to see. What do you like about him? Is he interesting? What do you do together? Sitting next to him for 30 minutes doing what? Figure out what interests you have in common, and choose to do that. This will help tremendously for you to see if you two click.

life

Sense & Sensitivity for July 13, 2016

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | July 13th, 2016 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am 27 years old. After dating my boyfriend for about a year, he said he wanted to move in together. I freaked out and broke up with him. Everything was just moving too quickly. Since when does a man want to move in with his girlfriend after only a year of dating? That's too soon ... right? -- Too Young, Detroit

DEAR TOO YOUNG: When to live together is a very personal question. Some people remain old school and think you make that move only after marriage. Some agree to move in after they have been engaged. Others believe that you need to agree that you are in a committed relationship that you want to take to the next level. Still others are more relaxed and say they want to see how it goes living together to determine if the relationship might be a good fit long term.

You have to decide where your comfort lies. Breaking up because he wanted to be more committed was a dramatic reaction. You might want to double back, even if you don't get back together, to apologize for reacting so extremely. Tell him that you were afraid, and talk about what commitment looks like to you. He deserves some kind of an explanation. I'm sure he was shocked by your reaction.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

life

Reader Wants to Talk Issues, Not Fads

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | July 12th, 2016 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: The human race is scaring me more and more as the days pass. We are so materialistic that real issues and problems are being neglected. We care too much about status, materialistic things, wealth, etc. What happened to love, determination, peace and standing up for something important? It baffles me that we can talk to each other about Benzes but we can't talk about the suspicious death of Kendrick Johnson. Talking about Kendrick Johnson is forbidden because that's an issue too deep for everyday conversation.

My friends constantly talk about the latest trends, celebrities and reality shows. I want them to acknowledge the fact that there's more to life than Louboutins. How do we bring what really matters into everyday conversation? How do we help those around us to acknowledge what's truly important? -- What Really Matters, Dallas

DEAR WHAT REALLY MATTERS: Thank you for being conscientious. You are right that many people no longer exercise that part of their brains. The collective moral compass of many people is not fixed on the challenges that face us. Often, the salve is materialism.

To change the conversation, start by educating people. Chances are, few know who Kendrick Johnson was -- a Georgia high school basketball player who was found dead in 2013, rolled up in a wrestling mat at his gym -- or that many other people have died or been harmed under questionable circumstances.

If you are keen on discussing and addressing human rights issues or political matters -- or some other topic -- I recommend that you broaden your friend group. Find organizations or chat groups that care about the topics that interest you. Find a natural sounding board where you can be fully engaged. When you are with your other friends, you will have had more practice in talking about these topics. Introduce them strategically, without judgment. Choose current events that should be easily recognizable because they are in the news.

life

Sense & Sensitivity for July 12, 2016

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | July 12th, 2016 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: For my grandma's birthday, I thought it'd be nice to give her a copy of the cookbook we love to use together. I tried to make the present cute by wrapping it in newspaper, like the Pinterest community loves doing. The result was easy and practical, and I even put a bow on the present. When I gave it to my grandma in front of the whole family, she said, "Well someone didn't want to get me wrapping paper."

I was mortified, and no one said anything. I wanted to make her gift special for her 90th birthday, but she just hurt my feelings. Is wrapping gifts in newspaper considered tacky? I thought it was hip! -- Paper Cut, Cincinnati

DEAR PAPER CUT: Where you missed was in not thinking about what would appeal to your grandmother. She probably doesn't know what Pinterest is. A 90-year-old would likely appreciate traditional wrapping with a flurry of bows. Newspaper wrapping, from an elder's perspective, could have seemed like "poor man's wrapping."

Lick your wounds and go see your grandmother. Apologize for not wrapping her gift in a traditional way. Tell her that the newspaper wrapping is considered hip by some these days. Make the main point, though, that you didn't think long enough about what kind of presentation she would most appreciate. From there, invite her to get back into the kitchen with you. Use that cookbook together!

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

life

Reader Eager to Connect With New Co-Workers

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | July 11th, 2016 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I started a new job a couple of months ago. It's a great and rare opportunity where I have the chance to get in on the ground level in an industry I never thought I'd find myself working in.

I want to take special care to make connections while I'm here. The problem is that I don't know how to connect with these co-workers. The environment and the people are vastly different from what I am used to, and I'm not sure what to say or do. Do you have any advice on how to make connections with co-workers? -- In My Shell, Philadelphia

DEAR IN MY SHELL: Making meaningful connections with people can be challenging, especially when you feel like a fish out of water, or you are a bit shy. The good news is that there are strategies you can use to help cross that line of discomfort. For starters, always remember that people like to talk about themselves. As you look around to see who might be interesting to you, notice everything you can about them: what their jobs are, how they dress, what they like to talk about. Then look them up online to learn whatever you can about their background. When you approach someone, introduce yourself. You can say that you have noticed them on the job and wanted to say hello. Pick a conversation starter that might be a bridge, asking them about their latest project, their alma mater (if you learned about that in your research) or even their shoes. Pick a topic that seems like an easy entry point for them to start talking. Be prepared to share a little something about yourself, too.

life

Sense & Sensitivity for July 11, 2016

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | July 11th, 2016 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a friend who can't seem to make a relationship work. Every time we have a talk about her relationship woes, she tells me how good men are impossible to find. The problem is, whenever she goes into the details about why the relationship fell apart, it is usually her fault.

I know good friends are supposed to tell their friends when they're messing up, but she does not take any sort of criticism well. The last time I told her about her actions, we didn't speak for two months. How can I tell my friend that she may need to start with the woman in the mirror without it turning into a huge blowout? Any advice would be appreciated. -- Ticking Time Bomb, Raleigh, North Carolina

DEAR TICKING TIME BOMB: Instead of speaking about her issues directly, use examples of other people to illustrate points, even if you have to change names. Start by saying, "I have a friend who went through something like that." Then tell a similar story and reveal the unhappy ending that shows clearly the person's role in its demise. Point out that you think your friend does the same thing sometimes.

You can also ask her to stop telling you her sob stories if she is unwilling to listen to you. Admit that it hurts your feelings when she asks for your input and then gets mad when you share it.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

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