DEAR HARRIETTE: I just found out that my grandma has developed Alzheimer's disease. I am shocked, but I'm not sure how to proceed. For now, she is forgetful and does small things, like being convinced that the telephone receiver is the remote control. I know this will get worse, and that one day she will probably not remember me. The rest of my family is so saddened, but for some reason, I am not.

I feel guilty about not being distressed about my grandmother's diagnosis. She has not changed in the days since she received it, but I know she will. I think we should just celebrate my grandmother as she is now and worry about the future as it comes. Should I be more somber? I have never known anyone with Alzheimer's. -- Feeling Guilty, Boston

DEAR FEELING GUILTY: Living in the moment is wise. Enjoy your grandmother and spend as much time with her as you can. Also, read up on Alzheimer's and speak to her doctor if you can. Learn how to best support her and your family. This disease is debilitating and scary, so your family is not wrong to be saddened. You can help to brighten their spirits by reminding them to cherish the days that they can connect meaningfully with your grandmother.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I used to be overweight and have turned the gym into my second home over the years. I love pumping iron and getting my muscles as big as they can be. My transformation lost me roughly 100 pounds of fat. In the gym, I can lift more weight when I grunt. I've had managers come over to me and say that other gymgoers are complaining about how loud I am when lifting and exercising.

I love my gym and do everything I can to promote them. I wear the gym T-shirt, and I always put in a good word for them whenever someone asks me where I get so big. I think the gym should cut me some slack. I'm a loyal customer and will probably be around a lot longer than these complainers. How can I tell the gym to lay off my style of exercising? -- Pumping Iron, Seattle

DEAR PUMPING IRON: Congratulations on your weight loss! It takes a tremendous amount of discipline to get to where you are today. Many professional athletes have grunts and groans and odd facial expressions that help them to exert their full effort. That said, this is not your personal gym. If managers -- plural -- have come to you to ask you to quiet down, it is worth considering. The gym should be a comfortable space for all of its members. Perhaps you can press lighter weights for a longer period of time or go to the gym when there are fewer patrons present. Talk to one of the managers or trainers with whom you have a good relationship and ask for suggestions for how you can get your optimal workout in without disturbing others.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am a younger widow. I married my husband when I was in my 20s and he was in his 50s. After 34 years of love, he passed away. This was a few years ago.

Originally, I was not looking for much and was not sure I could ever be happy again without my husband. Now, I find myself lonely. I have my friends, but they are all in happy marriages or in long-term relationships following divorces. Our children are all out of the house, but I just don't see many good things on my horizon. To top it off, the family dog is now about to pass, and I will be the only one left in a four-bedroom home.

I feel apprehensive about trying to find someone new in my life. I don't even think I would want to date again. I would just like to meet some new people and have activity in my life. My friends act as though I am unavailable for love and fun, so they don't invite me to events. I am tired of feeling so alone, but I don't know where to turn. How can I find a group of people like me in this technological age? -- The In-Between, Pikesville, Maryland

DEAR THE IN-BETWEEN: You have a few choices to consider. Start with selling your house and moving into an apartment building. You could downsize and buy a condo or co-op and be in closer proximity to other people in a more manageable home. Take a class that puts you in the company of other like-minded people. You can also consider checking out dating websites for mature people. Even if you don't find a soul mate, you could have fun meeting new people.

What you don't want to do is feel stuck in awkward connections with old friends who aren't sure how to include you. Expand your horizons!

DEAR HARRIETTE: I got my tonsils taken out about a week ago. I am 24 and live alone, but I went back home so my parents could take care of me post-op. I am not supposed to smoke or drink for two weeks following the operation. Well, I messed up and smoked. I needed to go to the doctor because of the complications, and I asked the doctor to omit the reason for the complications from my parents. Needless to say, they're incredibly curious and haven't let it go. They're afraid I could have more complications. I am not afraid of my parents since I am an independent adult with a job, but I just want to shield them from my not-so-family-friendly hobbies. Should I wait for this to fizz out, or come clean? -- Smokey the Bear, Denver

DEAR SMOKEY THE BEAR: You may be independent, but you are not making wise decisions for yourself. I'm sure you already know, but smoking is one of the worst things you can do to your body. That you couldn't resist when you were healing should tell you that it is a habit that you need to examine seriously. Telling your parents is not necessary. It will make them worry -- for good reason. If you are unwilling to try to stop smoking, shielding them may be for the better. But I would suggest that you consider this health scare a wakeup call for you. Get help to stop smoking. Ask your doctor for help.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I feel the need to get buzzed before any sort of social interaction. I do not consider myself an alcoholic, but I know I interact with less trepidation after a few drinks. After suggesting we drink a bit before a small gathering, my best friend looked at me like I was crazy! I explained how I feel, and I know most people feel better after a little bit of alcohol is in them. I didn't mean to imply that the company we were going to be with drives to me drink, I simply wanted to be the most outgoing me I can be.

Is it wrong to drink some alcohol before going to social events? It just helps me feel more relaxed. If I try to hide this behavior, I'll feel like I am doing something wrong. -- Drinking Before and During, Syracuse, New York

DEAR DRINKING BEFORE AND DURING: While a false sense of security does come with the buzz you get from a couple of drinks, know that it is just that: false. It is way smarter to go anywhere with a clear head. In this way, you are keenly aware of who is around you and how you communicate. Since you feel shy or awkward in social settings, consider buddying up with someone who is more outgoing. Ask your friend to be the icebreaker. As far as small talk goes, start conversations by paying someone a compliment. By getting people to talk about themselves, you can ease into conversation.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My husband and I are trying to rein in our spending and create a tight budget in order to begin saving up for our emergency and vacation funds. We realized that our frivolous spending isn't helping us get set up for the future. As we create this budget, I realize that my favorite things are getting cut while my husband's stay. My manicures, exercise classes and shopping are getting cut while my husband's monthly book subscription and $10 music subscription get to stay. Granted, his hobbies are less expensive than mine, but I feel like if my activities are getting cut, his should be, too. My husband argues that this is just about money, and that I can have any hobby I want as long as it falls within our new budget.

I'm pretty pouty and upset that my fun activities have to go while his stay. Am I overstepping my boundaries? I just don't understand how my world has to turn upside down for the budget while his stays the same. -- No More Leisure, Philadelphia

DEAR NO MORE LEISURE: You shouldn't have agreed to give up everything. It's time to renegotiate. Figure out what you want to add back in. Research to see if you can find an exercise class for a lower price or a cheaper nail salon. Choose one thing to reactivate. Discuss it with your husband. Let him know that you are not comfortable with giving up all of your guilty pleasures if he is giving up none. Rather than fuming about it, you intend to add something back. You both have to be comfortable, or resentment will grow, making your bigger goal less appealing.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)