DEAR HARRIETTE: I work for an educational technology company in a small department on a secluded floor. We have an IT guy who regularly visits us to just hang out and talk to the people there. One day, he came down to talk to an independent contractor who had been recently hired. Their conversation started fine, but it took a turn when they started discussing race and current events.

Several racist statements were made from both parties, and the IT guy even said he wished he could cause harm to protesters because he thinks they are attacking cops. I was floored. I wanted to go to human resources, but I'm not sure if they could do anything, and I wouldn't want it to backfire. What should I do? Should I go to HR? Should I let it go? It's always shocking to learn the co-worker who smiles in your face is a raging racist. -- Alarmed, Cincinnati

DEAR ALARMED: A popular education tool in schools these days has students look at the effect that various roles in relationships have on the parties involved. It's focused on bullying and observes bystanders, bullies and more. The problem with being a silent bystander is that it suggests that you are co-signing the bad behavior.

Apparently, you did not have the wherewithal to speak up on behalf of those who were being verbally attacked, but you don't have to stay silent. If you have the courage, speak directly to your IT guy to let him know how disturbed you were by his conversation and comments. But you can and should report the conversation to HR. Racism is unacceptable -- even when only a few people hear it.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My mom and sister got into an argument over a family matter. I know that she is very sorry over the issue, but my mom went crazy. She threw things all over the house, she clawed at my sister's face and then she threatened to kick her out. I don't know if she really meant it, but I'm worried. My sister doesn't have a paying job; how is she going to support herself? She's only a teenager. I don't know how to help her, but I hope things get better. I don't want my sister to have to leave.

Now they aren't even speaking to each other. How can I get them to sit down and talk? I know that's what my sister was trying to do in the first place. Instead, it spiraled into this fight. I want them to be friends again. I feel bad because the whole argument started because my sister was protecting me. -- Ready for Normalcy, New York City

DEAR READY FOR NORMALCY: If you are the source of the argument, go directly to your mother and tell her what you know. Ask her to calm down and reconsider her threat to throw out your sister. Do your best to address the underlying issue. Getting to the bottom of things can be difficult, but it is one smart way of resolving tough situations.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: At a work conference a few months ago, a group of employees decided to go out and party. They were incredibly drunk, and their debauchery was cringe-inducing to the company, but no higher-ups ever found out about this. These employees went out at night in Miami on their time off. Afterward, it was just office gossip and an eventful story to tell.

The next conference is coming up, and this same group is scheduled to take the trip. I don't think this is fair, considering their past behavior on the trips. I wouldn't want to become the whistleblower for my co-workers' partying ways, but I want to secure myself a spot on this trip. Is risking their wrath worth furthering my career by having my bosses like me more? I think they would be grateful that they wouldn't send a bunch of drunkards across the country for a conference. -- My Turn Now, Paterson, New Jersey

DEAR MY TURN NOW: Your motive here sounds an alarm. If you actually were thinking about your company's best interest, you would have let them know -- either directly or anonymously -- after the previous incident. Your reason for outing your co-workers is to bump somebody so you can get a space. That will likely backfire on you because it's a selfish action.

Your co-workers may have learned their lesson. If so, they will behave on this upcoming trip. If not, they may get in trouble. That is their problem. If you are invited to go, independent of them, keep your eyes on your work and your behavior, not on them.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I'm concerned about my 15-year old son. While most parents are scrambling to keep their kids away from sex and relationships, he seems to have no desire for any of it. He doesn't seem to be attracted to anyone. I don't want to assume my child isn't straight -- not that there's anything wrong with that -- but I just wish I knew where his head was and what's going on. Should I try to talk to my son about this, and if so, how? -- Should Consider Myself Lucky, Detroit

DEAR SHOULD CONSIDER MYSELF LUCKY: Every child develops at his or her own pace. Your son may be slow to enter puberty, which is when children often become sensitized to their physical bodies and to each other. What you can talk to your son about -- which hopefully you have already been doing -- is growing up, sex in general (not specific to him), safe boundaries for intimate behavior and how to protect himself. Chances are, he will not want to talk about this at all, but you can weave it into conversations bit by bit.

Work on talking and listening to your son about his life. Learn about what he enjoys in his spare time. Find out about who his friends are. If you build a rapport with him, you may be able to discover what is occupying his thoughts. From there you can figure out how to support him. Know that not every teen is sex-obsessed, even when puberty hits.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am a remote intern for a company based on the West Coast. I am in college on the East Coast, and I feel so lucky to have this opportunity. I have worked and interned all throughout high school and college.

As I am heading into my final semesters in college, I am realizing I feel like I have missed out on the "college experience." On a typical weekend, I'll be flown out to a conference or exhausted from my work and school week. It seems like all my fellow students will be out in a fraternity house somewhere, drinking beer and being carefree.

I used to feel like I was paving a pathway to success for myself by starting to work on my career so early, but now I just feel like I became an adult too quickly. I still have some time at school and am not sure how to use it. Should I quit all of my professional responsibilities and let loose for a year? I used to feel confident in my life's path, but I realize I threw fun and youth to the side. -- Workhorse, Syracuse, New York

DEAR WORKHORSE: Sounds like you are experiencing burnout. Maybe what you need is a breather. That may look like a vacation during spring break where you go and have fun with your friends or take off from your various job responsibilities.

This does not mean that you should quit your jobs and throw caution to the wind. The working world is highly competitive, and you are doing a smart thing to get a leg up in anticipation of graduation.

Hanging out, drinking beer and being carefree is overrated. Many young people get caught up in bad situations from those conditions. You are doing all right -- even better, actually!

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have always been taught to bring offerings to a home when I am invited for a dinner or housewarming party. I feel like I have done my part in being polite by bringing flowers or household knickknacks. How long do these niceties have to last? I have been bringing flowers or dessert to the house of one of my friends for over a year! -- Expiration on Niceties, Denver

DEAR EXPIRATION ON NICETIES: I invite you to change your thinking. It's not so much a requirement that you always bring a gift, but it is thoughtful. Each time you visit, doesn't your friend offer you food, drink and a lovely environment in which to spend time together? Your offering is an expression of gratitude for your friend's generosity.

That said, you do not have to bring something every single time in the same way. You may want to step in a little closer as a friend and ask in advance if she needs anything. Find out what would be helpful for you to bring. That way, you aren't stuck trying to dream something up. And if your friend tells you not to bring anything, you can accept that and just come -- at least sometimes.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)