Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I'm seven months pregnant. I'm nervous because from here on out, I'm responsible for someone other than myself. As this pregnancy progresses, my boyfriend and I seem to do the opposite. He's always ready to pick a fight and catches an attitude over everything. I thought I was the pregnant one ...

Last night, I went through his phone. I know the saying, "Look for something hard enough, and you'll find it." Well, I did. I found texts between him and another woman. It looks as though he starts these arguments so he can leave to "cool off," so while I think he's at his friend's house, he's really at this girl's house. It hurt to know that's how he acts just so he can be with her.

I'm trying to stop stressing over it because I don't want to lose my baby. I'm so mad, hurt and saddened at the fact that instead of being with his pregnant girlfriend, he wants to be with the next girl. I'm still pretty; I haven't let pregnancy stop me -- I still cook, clean and work (from home now, but still). I don't see why he's doing this unless he's always been doing this, and I'm just now finding out. Do I leave him? I don't want to have to raise my child in two different households. But I also don't want to be walked all over or let him continue to have his cake and eat it, too. -- At a Crossroads, Tampa, Florida

DEAR AT A CROSSROADS: Confront your boyfriend about this relationship. Tell him how hurt and concerned you are. Ask him if he plans on staying with you and your growing family. Tell him you want to be a family, but you need 100 percent of him. Ask him to end this affair and refocus on you. His actions will let you know what to do.

DEAR HARRIETTE: One of my friends has not outgrown college. She constantly drinks and does drugs. I am going to a concert with her on a Wednesday night, and I have work the next day. I know she will want to smoke, drink and do drugs. This lifestyle isn't really for me anymore, but I love my friend too much to drop her. I want to see her, but I need to figure out how to stand up for myself when she calls me "old and boring" for not wanting to do drugs on a Wednesday. I have been known to be a pushover, and I want to know how to assert myself as someone who can have fun -- and stay sober on a weekday. -- Party Animal, Syracuse, New York

DEAR PARTY ANIMAL: It's time to have a grown-up talk with your friend. Tell her you love her, but that college is over and you have figured out that you can't live recklessly and perform on the job. Tell her she can call you whatever names she wants, but it is time to be responsible. Recommend that she take your lead. If she doesn't, don't go out with her anymore. Choose the life you want to live, and then live it. Then you won't be a pushover at all.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a friend who is extremely bipolar. He admits he has some mental issues and says he is on medication, but I think he needs more. He'll have wild mood swings, and I honestly cannot keep up.

I know I have to be supportive of my friend when he's having a panic attack, but I'm not licensed, and I don't know how to help. I am not a medical professional, and I do not know anyone else with the same problems. I seem to have become his go-to friend whenever he is having a crisis. His girlfriend broke up with him, and I have become his impromptu counselor. I don't want to distance myself because of my fear that he'll do something drastic, but I really cannot be around anxious, panicking energy all the time. What should I do? -- Not a Therapist, Baltimore

DEAR NOT A THERAPIST: The kindest thing you can do is draw the line. Tell your friend that you are incapable of supporting him through his emotional episodes. Ask him if you can help him make an appointment to see his doctor. If he refuses to get medical help, you should tell him you have to back away from him for now. Distancing yourself, as other loved ones have done, may help him to go to the professional who really can help him.

DEAR HARRIETTE: This weekend, my family is having a reunion. I'm excited to see my extended family and all my cousins. However, I agreed to go before I found out some very important information. My brother is also attending this reunion.

Six years ago, my brother didn't respect my relationship at the time and refused to walk me down the aisle. Our dad had passed away two years prior to my wedding, so I was devastated at his rejection. Even though the guy and I didn't work out in the end, I feel as though my brother still could've supported me. It's been years since I've seen him, and I'm not sure if I really want to. I already promised my mom I would be there. Plus, I know how much it would mean to her to have both of her kids present. I'm still upset and hurt by his actions.

I want to go to the reunion, but I don't want to partake in any drama. How do I get to at least a cordial place with my brother? Do I still attend the reunion? If I do, should I just avoid him? -- Reuniting Doesn't Feel So Good, New Mexico

DEAR REUNITING DOESN'T FEEL SO GOOD: The best thing you can do in this situation is to offer forgiveness. Start with forgiving yourself for being so judgmental of your brother. Perhaps he took the stand he did because he felt the man you were marrying was bad for you. Maybe he could have let you know differently, but his heart may have been in the right place -- looking out for you. Forgive him for not supporting you in the way you felt you needed. Forgive each other for being distant for so long. With a heart of forgiveness, you can go to the family reunion feeling love and gratitude to be able to see your whole family, including your brother. Just give him a hug and sincerely choose to have a great time.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I tend to use pretty profane language in my daily life. I never curse in professional or family settings, but when I am with my friends, I let loose. On a night out, a woman overheard me say a certain four-letter word, and she interrupted my private conversation and told me that I am "too beautiful to say that word." Frankly, this rubbed me the wrong way. Would a man have been corrected like this? Was I supposed to take her reprimand as a compliment? I just acknowledged her and said thank you, but her comment got me thinking. I was having a private conversation, but it appears my words offended her. Should I have been censoring myself even though it was a night out at a nice bar? -- Party Potty Mouth, Boston

DEAR PARTY POTTY MOUTH: You have hit on a couple of different issues here. In general, though cursing in public has become commonplace, it can still be offensive to those around you. Now, you were in a bar, where cursing is part of the ongoing dialogue. But I, for one, would be happy for people to curse less regardless of gender.

That said, this woman was out of line and sexist. If you weren't "beautiful" or if you were a man, would she have reprimanded you? What she thought is that you -- of all people, implying someone who should be more refined -- would hear her and be struck by her comment and possibly stop cursing.

The whole thing is messy and wrong. While I do not subscribe to her way of thinking, I do believe less is more when it comes to four- and five-letter words.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My sister and I got ourselves in trouble with a few mothers recently. We were caught gossiping about a different mother's children. I feel so sad and petty that I engaged in this gossip -- especially about teenagers! My sister and I are fortunate enough to live in the same town and have our kids go to the same school. We got caught up speaking at a get-together in a private room and began gossiping about our children and their friends. When we looked up, we saw two other mothers looking at us! I was mortified. My sister and I played it off, but I know there is judgment going around. What can I say to redeem myself to these women? I am honestly so ashamed of myself that I let myself gossip about teenagers as a grown woman. -- Gossip Mom, Denver

DEAR GOSSIP MOM: This is where a sincere apology comes in. You should seek out the mothers who heard you and admit to your bad behavior. You may want to acknowledge that you now see how quickly kids can be fueled by gossip, since you got caught up in it, and, as an adult, you should know better. Apologize for what you said. Be sure to tell your children what happened, too. There is a very good chance they will find out. Let them hear it from you first.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)