DEAR READERS: On this day of national pause, I wonder about generations past when the great tragedies made us reflect on who we are and what we value. Historically, there have always been wars. There have always been people who felt someone wronged them, and as a result, they retaliated. A constant contemplation for me that becomes amplified when we remember the horrors of 9/11 is far more personal than what those sinister people did to ravage our country.

My contemplation is about what we are doing and what we can do to live our national and familial values. Why do I go personal at a time when people are recalling the unimaginable atrocities that befell our nation? Because this is where we individually have control. Given the constant news stories about American citizens who are making choices to hurt each other, I feel certain that on a local, family and even individual level, we can refresh our choices so that they can better serve us and the people around us.

I listened to a sermon recently given by The Rev. Dr. Calvin O. Butts, from New York City's Abyssinian Baptist Church. He was talking about the notion of being our brother's keeper -- and what that really means. It was a powerful sermon that put forth the idea that it is indeed the responsibility of each of us to take care of one another. And yet, in the hustle and bustle of our lives, too often we forget our loved ones. He spoke about the fratricide that is ravaging our communities on a daily and sometimes hourly basis. He reminded us that some people literally do not remember to check in on their siblings, their parents, their children. He cautioned us that it is our duty to be conscious about our actions and to choose to take actions that will uplift those in our midst in every way that we can.

This notion of being our brother's keeper resonated with me and bubbled forth as I began thinking once again about 9/11. I remember that day, as do all of you. It started as a seemingly perfect day: blue skies, warm temperature. And then the world changed. Yet every day throughout our nation, violations of our humanity occur. And these violations cannot always be pinned on foreigners who hate us, because they are also occurring among us and caused by us. How can we change this? How can we choose to care for those in our immediate families, in our neighborhoods and communities, on our jobs, in our legislatures, all around us? What will it take for us to begin to regularly and consciously make choices that can make it possible for all of us to prosper?

I do not think that these questions are lofty. I actually believe that there is enough abundance on this great Earth that all of us can be comfortable and live to our fullest. To do so, however, I believe we have to make choices that give us space to see that there is enough room for everyone, and that we do not have to push each other out of the way. I do not want another tragedy like 9/11 or the murders in Chicago or Ferguson or Baltimore or anywhere else. We have had enough bloodshed. Let's choose a more peaceful route to fulfilling our lives.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My boyfriend and I have been dating for about eight months. He is a great guy, and we get along very well. He is very generous and open, which is refreshing for me. I have had some weird relationships in the past. I feel very fortunate. One thing, however, feels a little too intimate for me. My boyfriend thinks we should share a toothbrush. He has it in his head that this is a sign that we are really close and that we have nothing to hide. I think it is unbelievably gross. I was taught that nobody should share toothbrushes for any reason. I'm not a prude, but I believe in cleanliness. How do I address this without upsetting my boyfriend? I have no intention of giving in to this idea. -- Solo Brushing, Salt Lake City

DEAR SOLO BRUSHING: Celebrate your boyfriend for the things that you love about him and your relationship, and draw the line where it doesn't make sense. Speak up for yourself and let your boyfriend know that you do not consider sharing a toothbrush to be hygienic. Tell him you appreciate his desire to be romantic and intimate, but that you draw the line at this action.

If he gets upset about this, you must continue the conversation. This is ultimately about values. You two must talk about everything from hygiene to sex to family values. Put it all out on the table so that you can learn where your points of intersection are and where you disagree. Consider this a good thing, as it is sparking a deeper conversation that you will need to have if you hope to evolve your relationship.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I sent pictures of my son to my siblings to show them how much he has grown over the summer. It was a simple, pleasant exchange. One sibling is prone to a foul mouth, and sure enough, his comments about my kid were laced with profanity. That wasn't so bad in and of itself. We know him, after all. The bad part was that another sibling's email goes to her corporate job. She told me that it was unacceptable for profanity to be coming in through her work server. I felt so bad. I have been sending photos and messages for years without ever causing a problem. I'm mad that my brother spoiled it, too. What should I do now? -- Violated, Detroit

DEAR VIOLATED: Ask your sister to create a personal email address if she doesn't have one already. From now on, send all of your communications to her via that address so that nothing you are party to is inappropriate at her workplace. You might also tell your brother that his foul mouth had negative implications for your sister.

Mostly, it's best for everyone to keep personal communications personal and professional communication all business. Furthermore, it is wise only to post content on any platform that you believe would be appropriate for anyone to see.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I was invited on a first date with a really nice guy. We met at a coffee shop near my job and have talked when we've seen each other there several times. I am excited about going out with him. I have a bit of a challenge, though. We are going out to dinner -- classic date, I know. But I have a ton of food allergies. I really don't want to get into my food stuff on a first date, but I'm nervous that he may choose a restaurant that will be hard for me. Should I recommend a safe restaurant or ask him where we are going in advance? Or do I just spill the beans and tell him all about my issues? -- Allergy Date, Chicago

DEAR ALLERGY DATE: If possible, don't go into the allergy details before or during your first date. Keep things light if at all possible. How? By all means, ask what restaurant you will be going to. Knowing the name, you can call and find out what the evening's menu is and what foods you need to avoid. Don't sweat it even if you don't find out until you get to the restaurant. You can excuse yourself from the table and go to the maitre d' or waiter, give them a list of your food allergies (best if already printed on a card) and ask for recommendations for what you can order. With that information, you can be ready to order as you and your date look over the menu.

If it naturally comes up that you have food allergies, do not avoid the conversation. It is part of who you are, and he will have to learn soon enough. Just do your best not to make it the dramatic conversation of the night.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I was asked to help a couple get some things together for their wedding. I did help them some, but I wasn't able to be there on the day of the ceremony due to work and family conflicts. I know they were disappointed that I couldn't join them, although I let them know in plenty of time. What can I do to make sure they know how much I care about them? They are not close friends, but we like each other a lot. -- Celebrating Nuptials, Jackson, Mississippi

DEAR CELEBRATING NUPTIALS: Send the couple a congratulatory card that acknowledges their union. Also, go to their gift registry and select something on the list that you can afford. Have your gift sent to them. After things settle down, if you like, you can check in with them to see how they are doing. Newlyweds appreciate hearing from loved ones. You will need to decide if you want to cultivate a relationship with the married couple. If so, let them know you want to spend time with them. Invite them to dinner or to an outing with you.

If you are not trying to insert yourself into their life, the card and gift are plenty.