DEAR HARRIETTE: I went to a new church while I was on vacation. The visiting minister who was preaching is a pretty well-known guy. I liked most of what he said, but I wanted to challenge some of his thoughts. I don't normally have a strong reaction to a minister's message, but this time I did. I am wondering if it is appropriate to follow up with him to ask if we could discuss his ideas some more. I know I am a random person in this man's busy life, but if he is a preacher, it seems to me he should at least consider addressing my questions. He presented a very provocative message that definitely resonated for me in some ways, but it rattled me in others. I want to learn more about his thinking and his premise. Do you think it's OK to contact him about this? -- Religious Inquiry, Miami

DEAR RELIGIOUS INQUIRY: I would imagine that this minister would be honored to have someone who listened to his sermon have commentary and questions about it. Now, depending on how busy he is and how large his congregation and his work are will determine how quickly he may get back to you. But you should definitely write him a letter or email stating when and where you heard him preach, what the title and subject of the message were and what your thoughts and questions are about it. By being specific, you will jog his memory. It is important not to assume that he will remember every sermon, given he likely delivers them on a weekly basis. He should remember his central points, and if you remind him, he should be able to respond to your questions.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My friend is getting on my nerves. She is always able to secure great jobs, and every six months or so, she gets fed up and calls me to say that she has quit her job. I am perplexed as to why she never lasts more than six months anywhere. Is there anything I can do to encourage her to stick around longer than six months? Or do I accept the fact that my friend is a nomadic job seeker? -- Stop Running Away, Newark, New Jersey

DEAR STOP RUNNING AWAY: One of the most difficult realities that people eventually have to accept is that they cannot control other people's behavior. It doesn't matter if you truly love the person or not. Heck, it doesn't usually matter even if the person is your child. When the person is your friend, it can be painfully difficult to watch her make what you consider to be bad choices.

What you can do is to sit her down and ask her why she constantly changes her job. Try to get her to explain her rationale for this. You can also express to her how strongly you believe this behavior will negatively affect her in the future because it suggests that she is not loyal or stable. After that, you have to leave her be. She has to design her life. You cannot do that for her.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I had a wonderful summer that included spending a week with friends. They went out of their way to make sure that my family and I were comfortable and had fun. I want to thank them for their generosity. We gave them little gifts when we arrived, but it seems like there should be some kind of follow-up to cap it all off. What do you recommend? -- Filled With Gratitude, Denver

DEAR FILLED WITH GRATITUDE: Why not go the old-fashioned route and send a handwritten thank-you note to your friends? Simply saying thank you is a wonderful way to complete the circle of giving, and it happens rarely these days. Pick out a lovely card with imagery that reflects the style and tone of your friends. Then write something that specifically expresses why you are grateful for the visit you had with them. Finally, have each family member sign the note. Then put it in the mail. Receiving such a note will be sure to put a smile on your friends' faces.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been doing a lot of work to help close out my father's life. He died about a year ago, and it has taken time to get everything together, but we are close. The super in his condo building has been very helpful to me throughout this process. I really couldn't have gotten everything accomplished without his support. I want to do something for him. I know giving him a tip is customary. It seems so cold, though. Is there something else I could do? -- Closing the Loop, Boston

DEAR CLOSING THE LOOP: You definitely should give the super a tip. Make it as large as you can afford. Generally speaking, tips help to round out the income for people in positions like that, so a monetary gift is exactly what he will appreciate. Now, because you want to personalize your sentiment in a significant way, you can also do some other things. If you have a photo of your father in the building, you might put that in an envelope with a card thanking the super for all his efforts to help you handle your father's affairs. You can write that you thought he might appreciate a memento of your dad -- the photo. Or if there is a particular item that belonged to your father that you noticed that the super admired, you could give that to him.

What's most important is that you express your gratitude clearly and that you follow it up with a generous monetary gift. Trust that he will consider this to be a perfect way of you expressing your gratitude for all that he did for you during this difficult period.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My husband and I have been fighting about how to raise our son since he was born. My husband is older, and he comes from a stricter upbringing. In my mind, he terrorizes my son by forcing him to study for hours, and even assigns him additional homework. My husband thinks I coddle and praise my son too much and that this behavior will turn him into a narcissist. This power struggle between us has clearly affected my son, and he has been expelled from school more than once. He is only 9 years old, and he has very few kids left who want to play with him. My son thinks he is the best at everything, and I appreciate his confidence; my husband thinks it's ridiculous that a child should feel so entitled to put other kids down. I know there are apprehensive whispers among my friends about how my son is going to be when he grows up. I want to compromise with my husband so that my little prince isn't being tormented by conflicting parents. What should I do? -- Crossfire, Baltimore

DEAR CROSSFIRE: Find a referee to discuss your parenting conflicts. Parenting or guidance counselors exist who can talk you through your strategies, assess your child's development and make recommendations based on facts, rather than emotions. Encourage your husband to attend meetings with such a professional so that you can get your son on track. Ignore the whispers of your friends for now. Focus on your child and the professional support you secure so that you can figure out your way forward.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a friend who is typically very guarded. While the rest of the girls are going out on the town, she claims she'd rather stay home and eat pizza with her cats. I originally accepted this as her personality -- not everybody loves to party! But she got very drunk one night and was admitting she never learned how to do makeup, where to shop or how to talk to boys. She had declined all offers for years and is now worried it is too late. I assured her that none of this mattered, and we would all help her with whatever she wanted to learn. We are in our early 20s, so I cannot deny she is a little bit behind. The next day, though, she never mentioned the conversation. I tried bringing up going to Sephora for makeovers (for both of us, I didn't want to single her out), and she said she just wanted to watch TV and eat ice cream. She is almost 6 feet tall, has the body of a model and comes from a very well-off family. When she's sober, she is so guarded, but I'm not sure how I can help her if she rejects all "girly" offers and then drunkenly cries about not feeling feminine enough! Should I leave her be, or push her out of her comfort zone? -- Beauty Blunder, St. Louis

DEAR BEAUTY BLUNDER: Invite her for a day out without saying where you are going. Take her to a beauty store, and treat her to a makeover. She may be scared, but this can be the icebreaker entry into a whole new world.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)