DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been a regular at the town deli for years. The men behind the counter know my name and are always very friendly. Recently, they have stopped charging me for my drink and give it to me for free. The first time it happened, I thanked them and took the drink, expecting it to never happen again. Now, every time I come in, the drink is free. I don't know whether I am supposed to accept this gift or graciously contest it until they allow me to pay. What do I do? -- Drink Dazed, Seattle

DEAR DRINK DAZED: It is the practice of some retailers to show gratitude to regular customers by giving them small tokens of appreciation, such as a free drink or a discount on a purchase. This is considered a courtesy that tends to be offered to special customers. Your town deli operators are likely offering you this same courtesy. What you may want to do in order to feel more comfortable is to purchase other items to go along with your drink. If they attempt to give those to you as well, put your foot down and tell them that you absolutely must pay for them. You have been a regular customer for years, and you want to continue that tradition, which means you have to be able to buy something. Say this with a smile so it does not come off as a confrontation. Speak with strength so that they know that, as the customer, you remain in charge of yourself.

DEAR HARRIETTE: For my birthday this year, I asked my immediate family to gift me money if they chose to give me a present. I am in my 20s, and I am very picky. I very rarely enjoy gifts if I am surprised with them. As I was opening my presents, I saw that my stepfather had given me a necklace that I did not care for at all. I pretended to like it when I opened it, and he was happy I appeared to like it. It has been sitting in my room since I got it, and I am not sure what to do. I want to return it so I can buy myself something I like, but I am nervous he may ask where it is somewhere down the line. What should I do? -- Gift Gaffe, Queens, New York

DEAR GIFT GAFFE: It is so difficult for everybody to get it right when it comes to gift-giving. Yes, cash seems perfect to you as a gift. To your stepfather, who is likely trying his best to connect with you, an actual gift item seems more personal. Do not crush his feelings by saying anything about the necklace or exchanging it. Instead, consider it his offering of love to you. You don't have to like it, but do appreciate the sentiment. For the future, remind your family that your tastes are changing as you mature, and you really would appreciate monetary gifts so that you can shop for yourself. Ask your mother to support you in this effort.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have decided to turn a new leaf, as they say. I realize that I have been holding a few grudges against friends from many years ago, and I don't think it's worth it. I cut a few people off because of specific things that occurred in our friendships that really upset me. While I thought they were legitimate at the time, I don't care much anymore. As I am thinking about what I want to do, I am uncertain as to how to re-enter any of these friendships. I have forgiven, but it is impossible to forget. How do you let a friend back in if you feel that he or she has betrayed your trust? Can you really be friends again? -- At the Friendship Door, Dallas

DEAR AT THE FRIENDSHIP DOOR: Forgiveness is one of the most powerful spiritual practices, in that it releases you from the bondage of your intense negative emotion as it also releases the person in question. Forgiveness does not require that you allow a person back into your inner sanctum, though. I believe that people must earn entry to your heart. They must prove that they can be sensitive in the ways that you need and appreciate. They must have the capacity and desire to be thoughtful and caring about you when needed. They must be honest and tender when sharing their input. If these people can prove to you that they are capable of and interested in stepping back into the sacred space of your heart, only then should you allow them in.

For now, you can release all negative feelings and even reach out to your former friends to share your loving thoughts. You can even get together with them, but don't become so chummy that you forget that they no longer reside in your inner sanctum. Only open that door to those who are deserving of entrance.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My husband and I have been enjoying the summer a lot. This means so much to me because we spent the winter arguing almost every day. I think that part of the reason things have been better is that we have enjoyed spending time together outside in the sun. We love the summer and the many activities you can participate in. I'm worried that now that fall and winter are approaching, we may end up back in a nasty place. What can I do to avoid making a wrong turn? -- Craving Light, Chicago

DEAR CRAVING LIGHT: Start talking to your husband about scheduling a vacation in the winter where you go to a warm-weather locale. Yes, this type of vacation comes with a steep price tag, but your marriage is worth it. Talk about dream destinations and affordable versions. Consult a travel agent, or visit one of the many travel websites to shop for prices. Plan your trip together. This will help you stay focused on a shared goal while you are at home. Then, have maximum fun during your trip, and recall those memories regularly as you create new positive experiences at home.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I come from a large family, and I am the baby. I was born many years after most of my siblings. I was the "surprise" child, so to speak. I didn't get to know my siblings much because most of them had moved away before I was in elementary school.

Now that I have done pretty well in my career, a few of my siblings have started to call to ask me for things. At first it was great to connect, since we are all adults, and I would like to know my siblings. But then it became a little too common, and they would call only when they needed money. I am happy to help my family, even if I don't know them all that well. But I don't like feeling that I am the family bank, and the only time they come around is to get money. How can I build a relationship with them without the promise of a payday? -- Cashed Out, Denver

DEAR CASHED OUT: Be upfront with your family members. When they reach out to you, tell them how happy you are to get to know them now that you are all adults. Suggest that you get together one-on-one or even as a family reunion. Express your joy at this new fellowship you are creating. But also draw the line.

When asked for money, define the amount you're comfortable sharing. Tell them that you are happy to give up to a point, but you are unable to give any more than that. Explain that you are working within a budget and that you do not have any more money in your budget to give to them.

Recently, I interviewed financial expert Patrice Washington (realmoneyanswers.com), who says, "No means no" when it comes to what you tell family members when you have no more money. When you are able to say that, you create financial freedom for yourself and introduce a new dynamic in which to engage your family and loved ones.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I just realized that one of my clients is my college ex-boyfriend's best buddy. They used to hang tough in college, and we were friends. My boyfriend and I broke up in a horrible way. He beat me up, and it got ugly. We parted ways years ago, and I don't really think about him much these days. When I saw this guy, all of the old memories flooded back in. Do I bring this memory up to the guy, or just leave the past in the past? -- Shaken, Washington, D.C.

DEAR SHAKEN: Stay focused on the work you are doing in this moment. Steer clear of memories of the past. Feel no compulsion to bring up the sordid details of your history, as it will likely only bring you discomfort again. If your client chooses to mention your old boyfriend, you can listen to what he has to say and move on, or interrupt him and tell him you would rather not think about him and that you would be happy instead to work hard to complete the job you are working on with him.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)