DEAR HARRIETTE: I come from a large family, and I am the baby. I was born many years after most of my siblings. I was the "surprise" child, so to speak. I didn't get to know my siblings much because most of them had moved away before I was in elementary school.

Now that I have done pretty well in my career, a few of my siblings have started to call to ask me for things. At first it was great to connect, since we are all adults, and I would like to know my siblings. But then it became a little too common, and they would call only when they needed money. I am happy to help my family, even if I don't know them all that well. But I don't like feeling that I am the family bank, and the only time they come around is to get money. How can I build a relationship with them without the promise of a payday? -- Cashed Out, Denver

DEAR CASHED OUT: Be upfront with your family members. When they reach out to you, tell them how happy you are to get to know them now that you are all adults. Suggest that you get together one-on-one or even as a family reunion. Express your joy at this new fellowship you are creating. But also draw the line.

When asked for money, define the amount you're comfortable sharing. Tell them that you are happy to give up to a point, but you are unable to give any more than that. Explain that you are working within a budget and that you do not have any more money in your budget to give to them.

Recently, I interviewed financial expert Patrice Washington (realmoneyanswers.com), who says, "No means no" when it comes to what you tell family members when you have no more money. When you are able to say that, you create financial freedom for yourself and introduce a new dynamic in which to engage your family and loved ones.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I just realized that one of my clients is my college ex-boyfriend's best buddy. They used to hang tough in college, and we were friends. My boyfriend and I broke up in a horrible way. He beat me up, and it got ugly. We parted ways years ago, and I don't really think about him much these days. When I saw this guy, all of the old memories flooded back in. Do I bring this memory up to the guy, or just leave the past in the past? -- Shaken, Washington, D.C.

DEAR SHAKEN: Stay focused on the work you are doing in this moment. Steer clear of memories of the past. Feel no compulsion to bring up the sordid details of your history, as it will likely only bring you discomfort again. If your client chooses to mention your old boyfriend, you can listen to what he has to say and move on, or interrupt him and tell him you would rather not think about him and that you would be happy instead to work hard to complete the job you are working on with him.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been on-again, off-again exercising for the past few years, and I don't think it's working very well. I feel like I keep gaining weight, even when I make an effort. I know I am not a marathoner or anything, but I do watch my diet and I do some form of exercise several days a week. Even so, over the course of the summer I actually gained about 10 pounds. I feel so mad at myself. In other parts of my life, I do a really good job of doing my best. Why is it so hard with my weight? And what can I do to feel better about myself? -- Claiming Me, Jackson, Mississippi

DEAR CLAIMING ME: As we grow older, our metabolisms change. That means that what we were able to easily eat a few years ago processes in our bodies differently today. You may be facing a metabolic shift in your body due to the aging process. The best way to find out is to get a complete physical. Talk to your doctor about your weight concerns, and ask for guidance on how to curb your weight and get into shape. It may be helpful for you to go to a nutritionist for a while, someone who can evaluate what you are eating and how it is processing in your body. You may also want to engage a physical trainer or join an exercise class. Working out with others can be motivating, especially for people who have a hard time developing discipline.

As far as how you feel about yourself, of course it can be harder when you aren't happy with the person you see in the mirror, but I highly recommend that you keep looking at yourself and expressing self-love. Choose to love yourself just as you are. This will make it easier for you to do the things that will make your body healthier.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I got so much into chilling this summer that I ended up missing some important meetings that I had scheduled early in the season. I feel like such a loser. My plan was to get a job by the end of the summer, but I needed to take off a few months to clear my head. Now I worry that I am too late to get a job. Fall is around the corner; I haven't started looking yet, and I have flaked on the few opportunities that were set up. How can I get it together? -- Need to Focus, Detroit

DEAR NEED TO FOCUS: Pretend like fall is already here. Set up your home office area in a professional manner, even if it is on top of your dining-room table. Make a written list each day of who you need to call, starting first with the apologies for the meetings you missed. Ask those people if you can reschedule. If so, do not dwell on why you didn't show up. Focus on why you would be the right fit to work with them. Contact people you know who may be able to make introductions for you. Be clear about what you want to do, and promote your skills and qualities that make you right for the position. Do not give up, even if it takes a while to find work.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: For the past five years, I have been complaining about my husband to everybody who would listen, it seems like. He was so irritating to me in a thousand different ways, and after I had talked to him about it forever, I took to talking to other people. Earlier this year, a friend of mine lost her husband to cancer. She had been a big complainer about him, too. I have watched, though, how grief has changed her view of him and their relationship. She seems to be filled with remorse about his death and about how she was unkind to him, even though she admits that he was also unkind to her. This has got me to thinking: I don't want to die mad at my husband or at myself. I really would like to have a happy marriage, but I don't have a clue as to how to mend our old wounds. What do you suggest? -- Reclaiming Love, Syracuse, New York

DEAR RECLAIMING LOVE: Be grateful that your eyes have opened to the possibility of change! Go home and tell your husband about your revelation. Tell him that you want to have a healthier, happier marriage, and that you hope he wants that, too. Suggest that you get counseling support to help guide you both to a more loving space.

Do your best to remember happy times that you have spent together. What did you enjoy doing when you first got married? What made you smile? Talk to each other about dating again. Act like newlyweds and explore your city and each other. Take it slow with a renewed commitment to enjoy the precious time that you have together.

DEAR HARRIETTE: One of my new friends from work likes to write me texts and other messages to get together and update me about various things. She never spells my name right, which drives me up the wall. My name is not difficult, but even if it were, it is written in my signature on my emails and on my stationery. It really is not hard to verify the spelling. I have written her back and always spell out my name, hoping she will notice. So far, she's oblivious. Is it rude for me to point out how to spell my name? It irritates me every time I see that she spells it wrong. What should I do? -- Spell Check, Jackson, Mississippi

DEAR SPELL CHECK: A person after my own heart! I am a big believer in spelling people's names correctly. That is how you are identified, so it counts for a lot. I am also a believer in telling people rather than hoping that they will figure it out. Chances are, your new, eager friend is so excited about connecting with you that she has no idea that she is dishonoring you by misspelling your name.

Rather than reprimand her, write back to her and say, "FYI: This is how you spell my name." When you see her, tell her that you are a stickler for having your name spelled right. You hope she understands. That's why you corrected it in your recent email. That should do the trick!

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)