DEAR HARRIETTE: For the past five years, I have been complaining about my husband to everybody who would listen, it seems like. He was so irritating to me in a thousand different ways, and after I had talked to him about it forever, I took to talking to other people. Earlier this year, a friend of mine lost her husband to cancer. She had been a big complainer about him, too. I have watched, though, how grief has changed her view of him and their relationship. She seems to be filled with remorse about his death and about how she was unkind to him, even though she admits that he was also unkind to her. This has got me to thinking: I don't want to die mad at my husband or at myself. I really would like to have a happy marriage, but I don't have a clue as to how to mend our old wounds. What do you suggest? -- Reclaiming Love, Syracuse, New York

DEAR RECLAIMING LOVE: Be grateful that your eyes have opened to the possibility of change! Go home and tell your husband about your revelation. Tell him that you want to have a healthier, happier marriage, and that you hope he wants that, too. Suggest that you get counseling support to help guide you both to a more loving space.

Do your best to remember happy times that you have spent together. What did you enjoy doing when you first got married? What made you smile? Talk to each other about dating again. Act like newlyweds and explore your city and each other. Take it slow with a renewed commitment to enjoy the precious time that you have together.

DEAR HARRIETTE: One of my new friends from work likes to write me texts and other messages to get together and update me about various things. She never spells my name right, which drives me up the wall. My name is not difficult, but even if it were, it is written in my signature on my emails and on my stationery. It really is not hard to verify the spelling. I have written her back and always spell out my name, hoping she will notice. So far, she's oblivious. Is it rude for me to point out how to spell my name? It irritates me every time I see that she spells it wrong. What should I do? -- Spell Check, Jackson, Mississippi

DEAR SPELL CHECK: A person after my own heart! I am a big believer in spelling people's names correctly. That is how you are identified, so it counts for a lot. I am also a believer in telling people rather than hoping that they will figure it out. Chances are, your new, eager friend is so excited about connecting with you that she has no idea that she is dishonoring you by misspelling your name.

Rather than reprimand her, write back to her and say, "FYI: This is how you spell my name." When you see her, tell her that you are a stickler for having your name spelled right. You hope she understands. That's why you corrected it in your recent email. That should do the trick!

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I had a big blowup with an old friend several years ago. We didn't speak for a period of time because I needed to focus on other pressing issues in my life. I am scheduled to spend a weekend with her this summer -- just the two of us. While a lot of time has passed since our falling-out, I'm wondering if I should bring it up and explain why I was so upset with her. Or should I just stay in the present? -- Clearing the Way, Racine, Wisconsin

DEAR CLEARING THE WAY: My first recommendation would be for you to stay in the present. Many friends go through periods of friction. You seem to have survived it, either based on time simply letting things die down or true forgiveness. Either way, it may not be necessary to discuss the past, especially if you both have moved on.

If, however, your moment of contention from years ago naturally comes up, be prepared to discuss it. Allow the time that has passed to let you be more neutral about the situation. Talk in fact rather than in emotion if you can. If the point of your conflict was emotional, though, state that as a fact. If you feel that discussing it will open old wounds to no good end, you can also express your concern and ask your friend not to go down that path or to agree to proceed with caution, knowing that it could be a relationship-breaker for you.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been in a volatile relationship with my husband for several years now. It feels like he screams at me over every little thing. And he often uses profanity and calls me any possible name that the Lord didn't love. It is just horrible.

Now, my grandson who visits us regularly has started using that foul language. I can't stand it. My sweet grandson turned around and called me a b---- the other day. I have had enough of this madness. How can I get my husband to understand that he should not speak to me in this way, and how horribly it is affecting our grandson? -- Reeling It In, Baltimore

DEAR REELING IT IN: Chances are, your husband loves your grandson unconditionally, or at least he believes he does. During a calm moment when the two of you are alone, tell him that you want to talk to him about something important. Ask for his blessing to listen. Then point out to him the specific time when your grandson called you that word. Tell him how horrified you were. Point out that you know he learned it because when your husband is angry, he often calls you that. Tell him how sad it makes you that the two of you haven't figured out how to argue without being hostile. Tell him you hope that you two can work to be kinder to each other. Add that you are certain that he does not mean to teach his grandson to speak profanely to his grandmother. Ask him to work with you to choose more loving language around the boy -- and in general.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: Whenever I see my aunt and uncle, my uncle does not talk. I originally chalked this up to his personality, which I perceived to be calm and quiet. Lately, I have been hearing stories about how funny and active he is in other situations. For example, we will be at dinner ordering shared dishes, and he'll say he is going to the bathroom, then he orders his own plate with a different waiter. I have never heard accounts of him acting like this when I am not around. Am I the problem? He barely speaks in my presence, unless it is to say a negative fact about whatever the conversation topic is. Is there any way I could get him to be kinder? -- Iced Out, Boston

DEAR ICED OUT: My dear, you are going to have to drum up the courage to approach your uncle and find out what's going on. As challenging as this may seem, it is the only way you are going to get to the bottom of this situation. In private, ask your uncle why he does not speak around you. Ask him if you have offended him in some way, or if something occurred that made him choose to be silent around you. Tell him that you sincerely hope you have not done anything to disrespect him. Explain that you are asking because you thought he was always quiet, but you learned from other family members that it appears that he is quiet around you only. Push to get an answer.

It could be a case of perception versus reality. Is there anything different about you? Did you go away to school and come back home? If your life experience has expanded beyond most of your family members, there could be the belief that you are now more worldly or educated and, in turn, more judgmental. Whatever the issue may be, your job is to make sure your uncle knows that you love him and want to talk to him.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My father has a very large pickup truck that he uses for work. Years of dogs, workers and wear and tear have made it smell atrocious. I can barely sit in it for 20 minutes! I have offered to help clean it, but my father gets offended. I cannot force myself to spend any more time in that smelly car. What else can I do? -- Nose Plug, Dallas

DEAR NOSE PLUG: You are talking about your father. Now is the time to stand up and tell him that you are sorry to hurt his feelings, but you need him to know that his truck has an unbearable smell. If he still refuses to clean it, you can make the choice to visit with your dad on other terms. Drive your own car when you go to see him. Spend time with him outdoors, in the home, anywhere other than the truck. Put your foot down when he asks you to hop in. Tell him you will meet him at his destination instead.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)