DEAR HARRIETTE: I went out to dinner with a couple of friends, and during our conversation, things got kind of deep. We were talking about our lives and what's been going on. One friend recently lost her mother, and she was feeling particularly vulnerable. When it was her turn to talk, I thought she would tell us about her mom or talk about what she's been going through. Instead, she asked all of us a question: She wanted to know if we had any regrets in our lives. She said that while she was watching her mother die, she kept thinking about how much she had been working and how she took time off only in the last couple months of her mother's life to really be with her. She said she regretted not being there for her more. She wanted to know what we thought about our own lives. It got me to thinking, and I spiraled into a bad place.

I have a thousand regrets: I am not in the job I want. I am still single. I hardly ever see my friends. The list is long -- so long it feels like there's nothing I can do about it. Do you have a suggestion for how to climb out of the regrets into a better place? -- Losing Regrets, Seattle

DEAR LOSING REGRETS: Replace counting your regrets with counting your blessings. What you focus on is what will guide your life. Do not get caught up in what has not worked out for you. There is no value in that.

It is understandable that your friend was caught, at least momentarily, in that space since her mother died. All kinds of emotions bubble up after such loss. But you do not have to fall into that place. Whenever your "failures" come top of mind, look for the blessings, even in those experiences. And forge your life forward. Practice gratitude. It will help be a salve for your pain.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I spent the day with my husband on Sunday with no children and no distractions. We were mainly driving around doing chores. From the beginning of the day, he was so testy. I never realized how much he curses. It is constant. It seems like everything sparks outrage. When I asked him what was wrong, he got his back up and said nothing was wrong. He told me that one of our problems is that I don't read him well at all. That may be true, but honestly, I think he doesn't realize how he behaves. I didn't like spending the day with him, which made me sad. We have been working hard to get along better, but that day only emphasized how much we don't get along. What can I do to make it better? -- Not In Sync, Boston

DEAR NOT IN SYNC: Perhaps a relationship translator can help you -- namely a counselor or coach. Since you both want to improve your marriage, there's a chance you will both agree to talk to someone together. An outside, impartial party may be able to hear what each of you does to push the other's buttons and help you to figure out other ways to communicate.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My best friend died earlier this year, and I thought I was doing OK. But recently, every time I think about her, I get really sad. We were very close, but toward the end of her life, she got very quiet and didn't tell anybody about what was going on. I had no idea she was sick. She had her aches and pains, but it was a surprise when she died. I think I'm still in shock. When I talk to mutual friends about her, it seems like they have moved on. They still love her, but they are not necessarily thinking about her all the time. What can I do to be less emotional about her passing? I don't ever want to forget her, but I need to stop hurting so much inside. -- In Mourning, New York City

DEAR IN MOURNING: You describe this woman as your "best friend." It's natural that you would still be missing her and having moments when you cannot believe that she is gone. That is part of the grieving process. Your mutual friends have their own journey. How close they were to her and how they process grief determines how they manage.

Rather than comparing yourself to anyone else, keep the focus on you. If you feel like you could use some help processing your loss, seek it out. You can speak to a grief counselor and talk about what has been coming up for you. You can join a support group with other people who are dealing with grief. What you don't want to do is isolate yourself. You may want to begin a new hobby that fills the time that you used to spend with your friend. You must choose to live your life even though she is no longer physically in it.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a friend who is in the middle of a divorce, and she constantly complains about her husband and everything he does wrong. It is hard for me to listen to her because I find her to be way off. I know her husband, and he is a really nice guy. He provides for her and does all kinds of nice things on top of that. She says he is boring and she wants more excitement in her life. I'm married, and my experience says that in marriage, it's not always exciting, but it's good to have someone who loves and respects you and wants to be with you. When I say that to her, she cringes and says that's not enough. I asked her why she married him in the first place, and she said she didn't want to be alone. When I pointed out that she got what she asked for, she shrugged it off. I'm done talking to her about it. How can I tell her that without being rude? -- Enough Already, Jackson, Mississippi

DEAR ENOUGH ALREADY: Believe it or not, you absolutely can tell your friend that you don't want to talk about her divorce anymore. This doesn't mean that you don't love her. Rather than passing judgment, just say that you are all talked out. You love her and will be there for her, but you can't talk about her marriage.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I chose to go to a university in another state. The tuition is very expensive, and recently my family has hit a rough financial patch. My parents originally gave me their blessing to leave the state, and my mom has a plan to pretend we live in Florida to give me in-state tuition. My older sister is calling me selfish for allowing my mom to go through with this plan because it is illegal. I reminded my sister that our mother told me I could go to the school, so our parents will figure out the financial aspect. I feel bad being the reason my mother is breaking the law, but she told me I could go. What should I do? -- Small-Town Budget, Madison, Wisconsin

DEAR SMALL-TOWN BUDGET: As you might imagine, I cannot suggest that you or your mother break the law. I can tell you what some other people have done that is effective and not illegal. If your mother knows someone in the neighboring state who would let her live there, at least part-time, so that she legitimately has an address in that state, do that. Perhaps your mom can spend weekends at the house or come once a week or so. I know a family who actually moved to a different state and lived with friends for four years so their child could go to school for a dramatic discount. You can figure this out without breaking the law.

DEAR HARRIETTE: Over the years, I have often visited a beach community and had a great time with the people there. I haven't been there in a while, though, because of work and health issues. I have been invited to come for a weekend soon, and I'm a little nervous. I have gained a lot of weight and really don't feel attractive. I am afraid that people will look at me on the beach in a swimsuit and make comments under their breath. I am not sure how I will be able to handle that if it happens. I already feel uncomfortable about where I am. Should I stay home? -- Beached Whale, Jersey City, New Jersey

DEAR BEACHED WHALE: While you are especially self-conscious about your changing body, there is a high probability that there will be every size and shape of body on the beach when you visit this summer. Most women wish their bodies were different. Instead of bemoaning your state, consider yourself part of a community of people who want to share the summer more than scrutinize bodies. Resist the temptation to judge others. Focus instead on the good time you are having.

Be sure to wear a swimsuit that fits, and invest in a cover-up that allows you to be more modest while you are on the beach. That can act like a security blanket. By the way, since this is a place where you know the people, chances are most of them will greet you warmly because they genuinely miss you.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)