DEAR HARRIETTE: I just got married a few months ago. I spent the weekend with my in-laws for the first time. They are nice people, but I realize that they have endless expectations of me. For example, my husband and I had driven many hours to get to them and we had stayed up late talking, so I slept in the next morning. At about 8 a.m., I heard a knock on my door. It was my mother-in-law calling me to breakfast. When she saw that I was sleeping, she gave me this look of disdain and turned on her heels. When I got to breakfast, I saw that everybody else was up, showered and ready for the day. I somehow didn't get the memo that I needed to be ready by 8. Over the course of the weekend, there were lots of little things that showed me how differently my husband and I grew up. I was completely out of sorts at the end. My family is very casual. His is the opposite. How can I figure out how to be with his family so that I don't stumble so hard next time? -- Newbie Bride, Detroit

DEAR NEWBIE BRIDE: Talk to your husband. You two need to share with each other about your family traditions, practices and idiosyncrasies. Tell your husband how uncomfortable you were at his family's home; you were not sufficiently informed of the expectations that his family would have for you. Be gentle with him. There's a good chance that he didn't think of it, since their way is what he has known for his whole life. Talk about how you spend time with your family and how he spends time with his. Learn about what each family values in terms of how you pay attention to each other, what kinds of gifts are appreciated, how thank-you acknowledgments are best received, etc. Work together to learn each other's family ways as you establish your own. Ultimately, if you two can be on the same page about how you spend time with each other's families, you will find a comfortable space that may afford you some flexibility even within typically rigid patterns.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been listening to my co-worker talk about how dysfunctional things are at her house. She goes on and on about how she and her husband don't get along and how her 3-year-old has recently been repeating awful things her husband says to her. I am never quite sure whether my co-worker is exaggerating, because she is an amazing storyteller. Anyway, I had dinner with her at her house the other day, and sure enough, I heard the child call her mother a bad word. I couldn't hold back my gasp. My co-worker friend said, "I told you so!" I was speechless. I don't know what to do in this situation. Should I keep my mouth shut? Or what can I say to help her? -- Stunned Speechless, Brooklyn, New York

DEAR STUNNED SPEECHLESS: If your co-worker mentions this behavior again, you might suggest that she and her husband consider therapy to work through their issues privately. Until they resolve their problems, their child will continue to suffer. You are powerless to help them otherwise.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am part of a relatively small group of couples who get together mostly during the summer, although sometimes during the rest of the year. We've been hanging out more, and I have noticed that some of the couples are going through difficulties, as I guess is normal. I am not naive to this, as I have been married for a long time. What I do not like is when hours seem to go by with people talking about each other, evaluating their lives, etc. I don't want to stand in judgment of other people or get caught up in their drama. How do I bow out of those conversations without seeming uppity? I do not want to participate. -- Outside the Circle, Ocean City, Maryland

DEAR OUTSIDE THE CIRCLE: It may be refreshing for your friends to hear your perspective. When you notice that a subset of your friend group starts talking about other members of the group, speak up and ask if you can change the subject. You can be direct about it and say that you think it would be great to give the people in question some privacy as they go through their lives. You could also be less direct and either change the subject to get folks to talk about something else, or you can physically remove yourself from the conversation. Excuse yourself and go to the restroom, go into another room to check on the kids, take a walk, etc. It is possible to avoid this gossipy conversation without completely leaving your friend group. Find your comfort zone.

DEAR HARRIETTE: One of my neighbors has a son who is developmentally slow. My family has always been kind to him, just like the other children in his family and in our building. I noticed the other day that as the children were all playing outside, a guest of one of our other neighbors was talking about him badly, calling him names and being rude. My kneejerk reaction was to step in and stop the interaction, which I did. I told the offender that he was not being nice and that he should apologize. I asked my neighbor if he was OK, and I separated him from that boy, gently leading him over to a friendly group. It seems that the negativity was dispelled. I wonder, though, if I should have done more. Should I have spoken to the visiting boy's parents or guardians? -- Fiercely Protective, Columbia, Maryland

DEAR FIERCELY PROTECTIVE: It is great that you stepped in to defend your neighbor. Too often, adults and children stand by and allow bullying to build. You may have done enough by breaking up a negative situation. If it stopped and did not reignite later, you are in the clear. If, however, you believe that whatever was said or done was so inappropriate that an adult should be aware of it, it's not too late to be the eyes and ears of your neighbor. You can still go to the adult who is responsible for that child and alert him or her to what happened.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I just spent the weekend with friends at the beach. We had a great time, except that the host parents do not require their children to wear sunscreen. They blow it off when the kids don't feel like putting it on. Skin cancer runs in my family, so I am very serious about sunscreen. I found myself in the awkward position of forcing my children to apply and reapply sunscreen while the other kids balked and walked off. I don't want to get between parents and their children, but I can't afford to have my children making bad decisions based on an adult's bad behavior. I never said anything to the other mother about this, but I wonder if I should have. She saw me lathering up my kids. -- Needing Protection, Jersey City, New Jersey

DEAR NEEDING PROTECTION: To clear the air, you could have privately spoken to the other mother to explain to her that you are hypervigilant about sunscreen because skin cancer runs in your family. You could have also asked her if she would like you to apply sunscreen to her kids at the same time.

Sometimes, other adults have a bit more leverage than parents do, especially when it comes to peer pressure. Your children wearing sunscreen could turn into positive peer pressure -- but only with the mother's permission.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I got a call the other day from a friend who wanted advice about a project she is working on. By the end of the conversation, she had roped me into helping her on this substantial project. Because we are friends, she doesn't think she has to pay me. I figured this out because she was talking about her budget -- she even showed it to me -- and there was no line item that represented the work that I would be doing for her. When I asked her about it, specifically what she was planning to pay me for my services, she looked at me like I was crazy and told me she was offended. She thought I was her friend and that I was going to help her out. She can't afford me. Huh? She can afford everybody else. I'm not sure how to handle this. I do not want to be taken advantage of, but I also don't want to leave her in the lurch. -- Fine Line, Syracuse, New York

DEAR FINE LINE: Stand your ground in this situation. Ask for a meeting with your friend. Congratulate her on her project. Tell her that you are happy that she believes you can be of help to her. Point out that this is a professional job, and you expect to be compensated accordingly. Tell her that if this were a charitable effort where no one was being paid, it might be a different story, but your friendship should not preclude you from being paid. In fact, you would expect her to want to ensure that her friend would get paid above and beyond others when there is a budget available. Make it clear that you will continue to help her after you negotiate a professional fee.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)