DEAR HARRIETTE: I am part of a relatively small group of couples who get together mostly during the summer, although sometimes during the rest of the year. We've been hanging out more, and I have noticed that some of the couples are going through difficulties, as I guess is normal. I am not naive to this, as I have been married for a long time. What I do not like is when hours seem to go by with people talking about each other, evaluating their lives, etc. I don't want to stand in judgment of other people or get caught up in their drama. How do I bow out of those conversations without seeming uppity? I do not want to participate. -- Outside the Circle, Ocean City, Maryland

DEAR OUTSIDE THE CIRCLE: It may be refreshing for your friends to hear your perspective. When you notice that a subset of your friend group starts talking about other members of the group, speak up and ask if you can change the subject. You can be direct about it and say that you think it would be great to give the people in question some privacy as they go through their lives. You could also be less direct and either change the subject to get folks to talk about something else, or you can physically remove yourself from the conversation. Excuse yourself and go to the restroom, go into another room to check on the kids, take a walk, etc. It is possible to avoid this gossipy conversation without completely leaving your friend group. Find your comfort zone.

DEAR HARRIETTE: One of my neighbors has a son who is developmentally slow. My family has always been kind to him, just like the other children in his family and in our building. I noticed the other day that as the children were all playing outside, a guest of one of our other neighbors was talking about him badly, calling him names and being rude. My kneejerk reaction was to step in and stop the interaction, which I did. I told the offender that he was not being nice and that he should apologize. I asked my neighbor if he was OK, and I separated him from that boy, gently leading him over to a friendly group. It seems that the negativity was dispelled. I wonder, though, if I should have done more. Should I have spoken to the visiting boy's parents or guardians? -- Fiercely Protective, Columbia, Maryland

DEAR FIERCELY PROTECTIVE: It is great that you stepped in to defend your neighbor. Too often, adults and children stand by and allow bullying to build. You may have done enough by breaking up a negative situation. If it stopped and did not reignite later, you are in the clear. If, however, you believe that whatever was said or done was so inappropriate that an adult should be aware of it, it's not too late to be the eyes and ears of your neighbor. You can still go to the adult who is responsible for that child and alert him or her to what happened.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I just spent the weekend with friends at the beach. We had a great time, except that the host parents do not require their children to wear sunscreen. They blow it off when the kids don't feel like putting it on. Skin cancer runs in my family, so I am very serious about sunscreen. I found myself in the awkward position of forcing my children to apply and reapply sunscreen while the other kids balked and walked off. I don't want to get between parents and their children, but I can't afford to have my children making bad decisions based on an adult's bad behavior. I never said anything to the other mother about this, but I wonder if I should have. She saw me lathering up my kids. -- Needing Protection, Jersey City, New Jersey

DEAR NEEDING PROTECTION: To clear the air, you could have privately spoken to the other mother to explain to her that you are hypervigilant about sunscreen because skin cancer runs in your family. You could have also asked her if she would like you to apply sunscreen to her kids at the same time.

Sometimes, other adults have a bit more leverage than parents do, especially when it comes to peer pressure. Your children wearing sunscreen could turn into positive peer pressure -- but only with the mother's permission.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I got a call the other day from a friend who wanted advice about a project she is working on. By the end of the conversation, she had roped me into helping her on this substantial project. Because we are friends, she doesn't think she has to pay me. I figured this out because she was talking about her budget -- she even showed it to me -- and there was no line item that represented the work that I would be doing for her. When I asked her about it, specifically what she was planning to pay me for my services, she looked at me like I was crazy and told me she was offended. She thought I was her friend and that I was going to help her out. She can't afford me. Huh? She can afford everybody else. I'm not sure how to handle this. I do not want to be taken advantage of, but I also don't want to leave her in the lurch. -- Fine Line, Syracuse, New York

DEAR FINE LINE: Stand your ground in this situation. Ask for a meeting with your friend. Congratulate her on her project. Tell her that you are happy that she believes you can be of help to her. Point out that this is a professional job, and you expect to be compensated accordingly. Tell her that if this were a charitable effort where no one was being paid, it might be a different story, but your friendship should not preclude you from being paid. In fact, you would expect her to want to ensure that her friend would get paid above and beyond others when there is a budget available. Make it clear that you will continue to help her after you negotiate a professional fee.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I've seen all those commercials about erectile dysfunction, but I didn't understand what it meant until the other day, when my husband couldn't perform. He and I hadn't been intimate in a really long time. When we tried this time, it didn't quite work. I felt so bad, but I didn't say anything. Should I bring it up? If so, how? -- Unknown Territory, Cincinnati

DEAR UNKNOWN TERRITORY: Given that you say that you and your husband have not engaged intimately for a long time, I would not recommend asking him about his inability to perform. That would likely create a deeper divide. Instead, if you are ready to pursue intimacy with your husband again, take it slowly. Start by holding hands more frequently. Offer to give him a back rub. Suggest that you share a date where you pretend to be teenagers. Hold hands, steal kisses and act silly and romantic. Ease into intimacy over time. Perhaps he will be able to perform in the future. If not, after you two have become more closely engaged in talking sweet talk, you can talk real talk about what to do next.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I visited with a good friend this weekend. She looked beautiful, but she had serious pits. Her underarms reeked! I was shocked, given how meticulous I know her to be. She is married, and I can't believe her husband didn't say anything. When I mentioned it to my husband, he suggested that they both may have a compromised sense of smell. I want to tell my friend, but I'm not sure how. What do you suggest? -- Hygiene Challenge, Shreveport, Louisiana

DEAR HYGIENE CHALLENGE: I surely would want to know if I had body odor. This happens sometimes when people do not use deodorant, do not bathe well or, more seriously, if they have a medical condition. Since you consider your friend to be particularly sensitive to her hygiene, there is a chance that her body odor is an indication of a bigger issue than just smell.

By all means, speak to her. Make sure you two are together in private. You can start by saying you have something very sensitive you want to share with her. Ask her permission to bring it up. Then be specific when you tell her that her underarms often smell. If you know that they smell that day, tell her.

Admit how awkward you think this conversation is, but that, as her friend, you felt it was important for you to let her know. You can point out that body odor sometimes points to illness, so you felt it was urgent that you bring this to her attention. You don't need to take it any further than that. If she wants to talk about it, she will.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)