DEAR READERS: Once again, we have reached a day in American history that gives us pause. Thirteen years ago, the unthinkable happened. Freedom and innocence as many of us once knew them were erased forever. No longer would we ever see a low-flying plane in the sky and trust that it was simply on its way home. We experienced raw evil in a way that can never be erased from our memories.

And so we consciously choose to remember 9/11 each year, honoring those who died on that fateful day and those who remain alive mourning their loss -- and the loss of freedom that accompanied this horrific tragedy.

Most of us do not have a good enough grasp of global politics to understand why anyone would do such a terrible thing. What we see far too often, though, is that evil remains strong in the world. We are grieving an American journalist who was publicly beheaded because America staged drone attacks to try to end genocide in Iraq. From an observer's vantage, nobody is winning this international game.

And then there's the warfare at home. Whether it is incessant murder in Chicago, a child unloading an Uzi on an instructor or a husband or wife verbally or physically abusing a spouse or child, unthinkable behavior is wrecking our families and communities.

What lessons can we learn at this time of reflection that can turn the tide in our lives? I believe we must start by looking closely at our own lives to evaluate how well we are living. Ask yourself if you are kind to yourself, for starters. How well do you tend to your own needs on a daily basis? If you do not care for you, it is impossible for you to do a good job caring for someone else. Next, look at your loved ones. How well do you care for them? Do you accept responsibility for the things that are in your jurisdiction? Do you neglect your duties? Go through this checklist, looking at every aspect of your life. What can you do differently that can improve the quality of your life and of those around you?

Pay attention to how you behave when you are feeling stressed. Are you short-tempered, irritable, sullen or indulgent? Check yourself to ensure that you know what your stress behaviors are. Then add an activity to your schedule that can serve as an antidote, such as exercise, reading or getting enough sleep.

By taking care of those aspects of your life over which you have control, you can create a tiny oasis of peace in this world. From there, you can create space to support others and help them gain a sense of peace in their lives. You can do this by volunteering, through your church or community center or an international service organization.

Amazingly, it is possible to bring joy to the world one person at a time. Every chance each of us gets to spread happiness is an opportunity to heal the world at least a little bit. I am not being naive; I know that bad things will continue to happen. But we do not have to contribute to them. Let us choose to be loving rays of God's light one moment at a time.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I sit on the leadership board at my church, and I feel like two of the members have too much power regarding the affairs of the church. The wife heads the teaching department as well as the finance department. The husband owns a contracting company, and the church administrator awarded him the contract to move our church to a new location and build a new office space. He is also doing work on the pastor's house. Two people should not have a stranglehold when it comes to the church. There are too many talented people at our congregation, and I believe in sharing the wealth. I would like to figure out a way to give everyone an opportunity to manage the various offices. -- Just an Observation, New York City

DEAR JUST AN OBSERVATION: It seems to me that the leadership board should have had a say in what contracts are awarded to what companies, as well as who fills what functions. Sometimes only a few people in a congregation step up to fulfill the various duties that need to be managed. It could be that these people are extremely eager and available to be hands-on. That does not excuse, however, the need for checks and balances when it comes to managing responsibilities and resources.

Go to your board president and inquire about the roles that these two people are fulfilling. Ask how the determination came to give them these duties, and point out that you do not think it is fair. Request that the board review these appointments and hires as well as all roles in the church to determine whether it is allocating resources equitably. As you do this, expect pushback. Whoever made the decision to allow these people to do these jobs will not want to be questioned. That's why you have a board. You can bring the topic to a board meeting even if the board president prefers that you didn't. Just be sure to follow protocol.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I received an email informing me that the state has cut tax credits toward the purchase of school supplies and clothing. My wife and I have depended on the tax credit each year because we have four children, and it costs a lot of money to purchase their clothes. Money is tight around our house, and any extra savings we can come up with is greatly appreciated. Going forward, how should my wife and I budget to shop for school clothing? -- A Penny Saved, Greensboro, North Carolina

DEAR A PENNY SAVED: You have four children, which means hand-me-downs have to figure into the equation somehow. I recommend that you do a wardrobe assessment of all of your children's clothes. Figure out what items can be worn by the next one in line, then determine what the absolute needs are for your children for school. We often buy more than is necessary for our children. You cannot afford to do that this year. Limit your purchases to the bare minimum, and consider shopping at a second-hand store, Goodwill or the Salvation Army, where extremely affordable gently used clothing and shoes are sold.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: One of my children is constantly complaining that something hurts. I realize that as an active child, she does sometimes get some bumps and bruises, but the way she seems to exaggerate these minor injuries is becoming annoying. I have taken her to the doctor many times when she complains of some part of her body hurting, and there is almost never anything going on. How do I address this? I don't want to ignore her concerns, but I now believe she is doing it primarily to get attention. She is 10 years old. I think it's time for her stop all of this nonsense. -- No More Complaints, Washington, D.C.

DEAR NO MORE COMPLAINTS: Speak with your daughter's pediatrician about your suspicions that she is making up her aches and pains. Get her a complete physical to ensure that there are no underlying health conditions that could be the cause of her woes. If she gets a clean bill of health, perhaps your daughter's pediatrician can talk to her about the dangers of exaggerating illnesses. The story of the boy who cried wolf may be appropriate here.

You may also want to make her a few appointments with a child psychologist to see if he or she can get to the bottom of why your daughter is craving attention in this way. Apart from professional help, you can also observe your own behavior as a parent. How much time do you spend giving your children one-on-one support? Does this child frequently experience a bit of alone time with you? Since you have multiple children, you need to pay attention to this. Often children fake illness -- without realizing why -- so that Mom or Dad will give them special attention.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My girlfriends and I planned an outing where we went to the movies together to see a film we had been waiting to see for months. We thought this was a good idea, but it turned out to backfire on us. We sat down with our popcorn, candy and soda, giggling like little girls (even though we are in our 30s). When the movie started, the giggling didn't stop. We couldn't seem to help ourselves. We were the worst. There was always somebody talking at the wrong time during key lines in the movie. Other people in the theater got really upset with us. I was upset, too. I actually wanted to watch the movie. I have to see it again if I want to know what happened. How can we avoid this if we decide to do this again? -- Too Loud Crowd, Denver

DEAR TOO LOUD CROWD: Hanging out with your girlfriends is a fine idea. I highly recommend that you choose an activity where you do not have to be quiet. You can go to a spa, take a hike to a beautiful vista or invite everyone to visit your various homes. What you want to avoid are any activities that require silence. A group of excited friends of any age is hard to quiet down.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)