DEAR HARRIETTE: I am having a birthday party soon and have been trying to figure out whom to invite. I have a predominant friend group, and we all hang out with one another quite a bit. I also have one very close friend who has a different group of friends that I am not a part of, just as she is not a part of my main friend group. I think it would be polite to invite her to the party, but I'm worried that she will feel left out since she is not friends with the rest of the people I want to invite. Should I invite her? -- Guest List, Racine, Michigan

DEAR GUEST LIST: The kindest thing you can do is contact your friend who is not part of your predominant friend group and let her know about your party, tell her that you want to invite her and offer her the opportunity to bring a friend so that she will be sure to feel comfortable even though she won't know many of the people there.

This overture will make it clear to her that you want her to celebrate with you and that you are thinking about her comfort level. Some people do not have a problem milling about in a group where they do not know the others. If this is true for her, she may choose to come alone, but offering her the option is very thoughtful.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I asked my most recent employer via email if I would be able to use him as a reference when applying for jobs. He responded moments later saying, "I don't know you like that." I wasn't sure if it was a joke or not, so I moved on and asked someone else. Should I have asked if he was kidding, or was I right to move on? -- Perplexed, Philadelphia

DEAR PERPLEXED: I actually think you should go back and contact your most recent employer again. Whether you request a reference from him, chances are high that a thorough background check will include contacting him. So you want to know what he thinks about you.

Call him and tell him you are following up per your recent communication. Tell him that you aren't sure what he meant by saying he "(doesn't) know you like that." Ask him directly what he thought of your job performance while you worked with him. Find out if he has issues of which you may not be aware. Get him to talk to you about your time working with him and learn what is on his mind.

If he was joking, admit to him that it threw you off. Tell him how much you would appreciate being able to list him as a credible reference. Do not do so unless you feel confident that he will have positive and specific things to say.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been romantically interested in a girl for about six months. We have a lot in common, and I feel more connected to her than I have with anyone else. I think that we would make a great couple. Unfortunately, she has a boyfriend. I still flirt with her on occasion. She doesn't tell me to stop, but she also doesn't reciprocate, even though I've told her my feelings. Should I give up hope of us being together and try to be just friends, or should I pursue the matter further? -- Flirty, Syracuse, New York

DEAR FLIRTY: If you are seriously interested in this young lady, select one more occasion to make your intentions known to her. Tell her that you know she has a boyfriend and you do not want to be disrespectful to their relationship. For this reason, you want to be clear with her one more time before backing off. Tell her that you care deeply for her and want to have a chance to prove it to her. Tell her that you think she would be happier with you, and be prepared to enumerate your reasons for thinking this. Ask her if she is willing to end her relationship so that she could be free to be with you.

If she says no or if she says nothing, that is your cue to walk away. You should not continue to flirt with her. You should be respectful and keep your distance. If, however, she says she wants to give a relationship with you a chance, tell her you will give her space to make a clean break from her boyfriend, after which you will be waiting for her. Then step back until she is ready. What you do not want to do is start a relationship with her while she is still in a relationship with someone else.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My boyfriend and I have gotten pretty serious in recent months. We have even begun to talk about getting married. I love him, and I know he loves me. But we have one thing that is standing in our way: We do not practice the same religion, and both of us are pretty religious. I go to church every Sunday, plus I am involved in other activities in my church. He has come a few times and is quite respectful, but he is Jewish and is actively involved in his temple. We have not told our parents about our religious differences. They like the two of us as a couple -- theoretically -- but regardless of what they say, we aren't sure how to handle a marriage if we have kids. Should we give up before we get too involved? -- The Great Divide, Chicago

DEAR THE GREAT DIVIDE: Couples have been known to work together even when they do not share the same religion. It definitely takes some effort and clarification on both of your parts as to what shared values you have, what you will teach any children you may have and how you will navigate both religions. You need to come to terms before talking to your parents. Seek the counsel of spiritual advisers on both sides for support.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I recently learned that a longtime acquaintance who I really like has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's. Everyone around her is freaked out, as is expected. While I have never been one of the people who called her regularly, she knows, or at least she knew, that I care about her. I want to show my respect now. Really, I want to help. She has been married for many years, and her husband can be difficult. I want to tell him that I am here for them, but I am not sure how. I keep thinking that she may just want a little company from time to time. What should I do? -- Wanting to Help, Detroit

DEAR WANTING TO HELP: Start by contacting your friend's husband. He may have been difficult in the past, but illness has a way of transforming people. If you let him know that you care about his wife and want to be of support to them, he may be open to the idea. Be specific. Tell him that you would love to see her and spend time with her if that is appropriate. Ask if he needs anything. Often, caregivers need pockets of support that could include spending time with the afflicted while they have a moment of downtime or have a chance to run errands.

Even if he does not respond favorably, stay in touch. Alzheimer's is an insidious disease, and caregivers will need ongoing support in the coming months and years. If you want to sign up to help for the long haul -- to the best of your ability -- let him know and stay in touch with him.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My husband and I have gained a lot of weight since we met. I don't want to say how much. Let's just say that I was considered model size and now I would definitely be called full-figured -- if somebody was trying to be nice. My husband is bigger than me. I am afraid that we will get some kind of disease if we don't control our weight. I have mentioned this to my guy, but he doesn't want to listen to me. I don't know what to do. Well, that's not exactly true. I don't know how to make myself work out or eat differently. I love our life, but I am worried that it will be cut short if we don't lose about 50 pounds or so -- each. Help! -- Fat but Focused, Jackson, Mississippi

DEAR FAT BUT FOCUSED: Rather than trying to scare yourself or your husband into good behavior, take the positive approach. Introduce healthy activities and meals. Get up early in the morning and choose to walk three times a week. Invite your husband to walk with you; you can even consider it a date. But do it no matter what.

Begin to shop differently. Don't buy sweets or salty foods. Buy fruits and vegetables and fewer pasta items and processed foods. Tell your husband that you want the two of you to live long lives and your choices will help to that end. Give your plan a few months to jell.