life

Being the Last One Married Isn't So Bad

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | June 21st, 2014 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am a woman in my late 20s, and most of my friends are getting married and starting their lives. Meanwhile, I am still single, and it seems that no significant other is in sight! I always envisioned myself being married by now, so I feel a little disappointed. It's hard seeing my friends getting married and having a lifetime partner when I feel so alone. Furthermore, I'm scared that I'm going to feel even more isolated because the married couples will only socialize with one another and forget about me. How do I enjoy this period in my friends' lives and move forward with them while also moving forward at my own pace? -- Moving Behind, New York City

DEAR MOVING BEHIND: Life cycles do not always happen at the same pace for everyone in a group. And it can be incredibly difficult when one feels like a late bloomer. You are wise to understand that your relationship dynamics may change a bit as your friends marry. This does not mean that you will lose your friends. It does mean that you should expand your social parameters. Figure out interests you have that require you to be in social settings. Go to places where men go, men who like the same kinds of things that you like. This is important because if you don't put yourself out there, you will not be in the company of potential suitors.

Give yourself time to discover your interests as an adult. Do your best not to envy your friends. Instead, share in their joy as you also spread your wings and enjoy your life as it is. What's amazing is that often when people relax into themselves, they attract exactly who and what they need in their lives.

life

Sense & Sensitivity for June 21, 2014

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | June 21st, 2014 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: A year ago, my boyfriend of three years and I moved in together. He is a great guy, and I'm very happy, but there's just one small problem; he doesn't help around the house at all! I know he's the guy and all, but this is the 21st century. I feel like his maid. I make dinner, clean the dishes, do the laundry and so much more. It would be nice if he could help me with these chores once in a while. I've slyly mentioned before how I would appreciate his help, but I don't think he thinks it's as big of a deal to me as it truly is. I don't want to break up with him by any means, but I also don't want to be a housekeeper for the rest of my life! -- Maid or Girlfriend, San Diego

DEAR MAID OR GIRLFRIEND: A huge challenge for roommates, whether they are a couple or not, is setting ground rules for household chores. Because this doesn't often happen before you live together, it can get complicated after. However, it's not too late to set things straight.

Ask your boyfriend to have a "family" meeting. Tell him that you are uncomfortable with the division of labor, or lack thereof, in your home. Tell him directly that you need him to take on specific responsibilities in your home on a day and weekly basis. If he balks, continue to talk about it. Make it clear that you did not sign up to do everything, and you expect him to participate.

life

Couple Trying to Conceive Must Seek Medical Advice

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | June 20th, 2014 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: My husband and I have been married for five years. For the last three, we have been trying to have a baby, but with little success. I've had one miscarriage, which broke both of our hearts. I really want a child, but I'm feeling hopeless. We are considering looking into in vitro fertilization or other options, but are apprehensive due to it being very costly and not guaranteed to work. What do you think I should do? A part of me is also nervous to go to the doctor out of fear that there is something wrong with me and I won't ever be able to conceive. -- Baby on the Brain, Philadelphia

DEAR BABY ON THE BRAIN: What you dread the most is what you must do immediately -- go to the doctor. A complete physical examination will help you know what's going on in your body. If you need any medical attention or assistance, your doctor should be able to figure that out. Your OB-GYN can also help you determine whether you and your husband are viable candidates for IVF. While there are no guarantees that your doctor can make, you can get support and recommendations for next steps.

You may also want to consider holistic support. I had a miscarriage three years before I had my daughter. One of my healthcare professionals was a Chinese medical doctor and acupuncturist. Through allopathic and homeopathic support, I was able to conceive and bear a child. Perhaps this can be true for you.

life

Sense & Sensitivity for June 20, 2014

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | June 20th, 2014 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I recently returned from studying abroad in Ireland. While I was there, I met a boy whom I began to date. I really like him and think we could have a future. The only problem is, we live in two different countries and have completely different ways of life. However, when I left, we decided we were going to continue to talk and see where our relationship goes.

My friends and family all think I am crazy for holding onto this relationship, but my heart tells me differently. How do I tell naysayers that while I appreciate their opinions, I have to see this relationship through for myself? We both graduate in a year and would be willing to relocate for each other. Am I crazy for wanting this relationship to work? -- Distant Love, Westchester, New York

DEAR DISTANT LOVE: Nobody can live your life for you. If you and this young man believe that you have a chance at a future together, give yourselves that chance and see what happens. Continue to talk to your beau about your dreams. Since you say that you have different lives, include in your talks what you imagine your life to be like as an adult and potentially as a couple. Learn what you have in common. Talk about the life you want to live.

Practically speaking, figure out where you two can live and find work. In this way, you can grow your careers and discover each other at the same time. If it works, great. If not, you can feel happy that you gave your love a chance.

life

Parent Wants to Revisit Cellphone Conversation With Child

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | June 19th, 2014 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: My neighbor was going off about how he's not going to buy his fifth-grade daughter a cellphone because he thinks it's ridiculous for a child that young to have one. We were riding up in the elevator with him -- we, meaning my fourth-grade daughter and I. We just listened. It wasn't a time to say anything. He was just blowing off steam. But it was awkward because my daughter has a cellphone. It has limited functionality, but she has one because we thought it was a safety option we wanted for our only child with two parents working.

My daughter wanted to talk about it, saying she felt sorry for the other girl because her father sounded so strict. She wasn't quite sure how to take the whole conversation. I want to give her context. How can I do that without passing judgment anywhere? -- The Blasted Cellphone, Detroit

DEAR THE BLASTED CELLPHONE: First, remember why you gave your daughter a phone so young and evaluate whether you stand by your reasons. If so, continue. Talk to your daughter and remind her of the reasons you chose to give her a phone. Remind her of the importance of being responsible for knowing where it is and how to use it. Then tell her that every family is different. This is why we listen sometimes when people speak rather than make comments. That family has not made the same choice as yours. No need to bring that up to them. Live your life.

life

Sense & Sensitivity for June 19, 2014

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | June 19th, 2014 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: My daughter is 16 years old. She wants to have her belly button pierced because she is feeling pressure from her friends at school to get it done. I would prefer that she get her belly button pierced when she is at least 20 years old. My daughter is a good girl, and I do not want her to succumb to the unwanted peer pressure. What is a good age for a young person to get a body piercing? --Mama Knows Best, Chicago

DEAR MAMA KNOWS BEST: Timing for piercings is completely personal. Just as with ear piercings for children, some parents believe in piercing infants' ears because it hurts less or it's part of a family ritual. Others believe children should wait until they are 12 or 13 and capable of caring for the ears as they heal and being responsible for the cleaning of the earrings.

Similarly, with other body piercings, opinions vary. Personally, I err on the conservative side in the sense that a person should be responsible enough to care for such a piercing. But also, I would step back to think about the message it sends. A navel piercing at such a young age, in my estimation, draws the wrong kind of attention from boys. Just as you are hard-pressed to encourage your daughter to make wise and modest decisions about intimacy, it may not be the smartest decision to allow a piercing in that part of the body.

Further, succumbing to peer pressure is rarely a smart choice for young people or adults. If your daughter cannot articulate a sound reason why she herself wants this piercing, then I would recommend replacing that procedure with something less permanent and more age-appropriate.

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