DEAR HARRIETTE: I am one of four sisters in my family. I am the second youngest. My baby sister and I have always had an intense sibling rivalry, mostly on her end. She is manipulative, competitive and undermining. Despite our rivalry, I have always been closest to her because we are 20 months apart and now live in the same city. Recently, we got into a huge argument and have not spoken for four months. When we get into arguments, I am always the one to apologize. This time, however, I feel I have done nothing wrong and do not believe I owe her an apology. I'm tired of being the bigger person. I miss her presence and the comfort of having a sister, but I do not miss her toxicity. How do I tell her that while I do miss her and want her to be in my life, I can no longer deal with her catty ways? -- Sister, Sister, San Diego

DEAR SISTER, SISTER: You must remind yourself that you are a grown woman with the ability to make your own decisions free of your past. This is essential, because you and your sister remain locked into old family patterns. In order to have a healthy relationship with each other, you both have to choose to be adults in your communication. Resist the temptation to fall back on old ways of interacting.

Rather than offering an apology, request a meeting with your sister where you talk about starting over and letting go of the past. Do not blame each other for anything. Instead, tell your sister that you miss her and want her in your life. Ask her to work with you to establish more stable, respectful footing where you can thrive together. It will take time to develop new patterns, but it is possible with patience and love.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been out of work for more than a year, and it's getting old for my friends and me. They have been super supportive, but recently they have been coming up with too many ideas for how I can get a job. I know they mean well, but it's making my head swim, and the ideas they have are for things I'm not qualified to do. I appreciate their care for me, but how can I help to direct their energies away from all of this advice? I ask because they follow up, asking me if I have inquired about their leads, but mostly I haven't because the opportunities have nothing to do with my abilities. -- Stretched Too Thin, Gallup, New Mexico

DEAR STRETCHED TOO THIN: Thank your friends for their support. Be specific about all that they have done for you. Tell them what you are doing to attempt to secure work. Make a collective thank you to them for the job leads they have sent your way. Make it clear that some of them have been outside your breadth of experience. In those cases, you have chosen not to apply.

I would also consider applying for some of the jobs that seem beyond your reach on occasion. You never know. Your friends may see something in you that you do not.

DEAR HARRIETTE: Last weekend, my friends and I went to a party while visiting colleges. Since we are only juniors in high school, we have never really been to this type of party, and we were kind of nervous. Once we got there, we were confronted by a group of drunken guys. I do not drink very much myself, so I felt uncomfortable when they asked to get us drinks. I was peer-pressured into having this mixed drink that was being served, and I do not really remember the rest of the night. My friends told me the next morning that these guys had slipped something into my drink, which caused me to black out. I am very upset about this because I did not want to drink in the first place. My friends said they didn't allow the guys to take advantage of me, but still, I am upset with them. How do I address the fact that I am thankful, yet disappointed? -- Distraught Friend, Austin, Texas

DEAR DISTRAUGHT FRIEND: You have every reason to be upset. This was a very dangerous situation that could have turned out much worse. Rather than scolding your friends, you need to review your own personal checklist of things you will and will not do. Among them is the most difficult -- not succumbing to peer pressure. Call yourself the designated driver when you go to parties and choose not to drink, even if you aren't driving. Your friends will get the point. When you do want to drink, consume only drinks that you see made by a bartender or that you see poured out of a bottle. Do not ever drink the punch at a party. Do not have your friends or anyone else get a drink for you. Make it your policy to see the origin of the drink. That will help to reduce the chances of such folly in the future.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I recently lost my job at a high-profile public relations firm. I have found another job, but it does not pay as much. I'm used to being able to splurge and buy the newest designer fashions, but my new salary does not afford me that luxury. I know they're just material objects, but I miss being able to go to the store and buy whatever I want. How can I tailor my spending to my new salary while still being able to indulge myself every once in a while? Moreover, is indulging even financially responsible? -- Cutting Costs, Brooklyn, New York

DEAR CUTTING COSTS: Life's twists and turns require you to shift along with them. Your key question, though, is what stands out. Is indulging responsible? No. Sure, every now and then treating yourself to something special can be nice. But first, you should have a budget worked out that includes all of your bills and a healthy allotment for saving short-term and for your retirement. You are never too young to put money away. That's way smarter than "throwing it away" on clothes or other things that do not have lasting value.

For your occasional treats, visit nearly new shops or big sales at your favorite stores where you can get great deals on high-quality items.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My 19-year-old granddaughter recently moved out of her parents' home. They came home one day, and she had left. They quickly changed the garage door combination, took her off of their health insurance, required her to make payments on a vehicle that was given to her for her 18th birthday and her high school graduation and made her pay her auto insurance and her cellphone bill. The one thing that concerned me was her being removed from the health insurance because doing this saved them no money. In the past year, she had become close to a married couple from her church. This seemed OK to her parents until she moved in with them. This 19-year-old is not doing anything bad. She is in her first year of college, and since moving out, she has gone to work almost full time. Because I am still in contact with her, they no longer have anything to do with me. I cannot find anyone who can imagine a mother doing this to her child. My son-in-law is going along with whatever my daughter says to do. -- Concerned Grandmother, Dallas

DEAR CONCERNED GRANDMOTHER: Talk to your granddaughter and try to find out what happened that precipitated her moving out unexpectedly. Something happened that deeply upset her parents to the point that they washed their hands of responsibility for her.

If her parents refuse to talk to her right now, you should certainly stay close to her to ensure that she keeps clear and focused about her life. Your role can be to support her during this uncomfortable period. Over time, her parents may come back around. Until then, remain the bridge.

DEAR HARRIETTE: The school semester is coming to an end, and I would like to give my son's teacher a gift. The school has a policy in place where teachers cannot accept gifts, but I really want to give her one because she deserves it. How can I get around this policy without getting her in trouble? -- Breaking the Rules, West Orange, New Jersey

DEAR BREAKING THE RULES: Your desire is understandable, but the effect of breaking such a rule would have the opposite impact of what you had in mind. You want to honor your son's teacher. One way to do that is to have your son write a thank-you note that espouses the many ways that she has supported him throughout the year. You, too, can write such a letter that expresses your thoughts and feelings as a parent about how much you respect your child's teacher's efforts during the school year.

In addition, you can bake cookies or bread or offer some other homemade or handmade gift to show your appreciation. Often, schools shy away from gifts that could be pricey because they don't want to allow anyone to create the semblance of "buying" favor or make other families feel uncomfortable if they cannot afford an extravagant gift.