life

Love Triangle Threatens Prom Fun

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | May 22nd, 2014 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have had a crush on this guy for a really long time. One of my best friends feels the same way about him. At the beginning of the school year, he and I were exclusive for about five months until we were about to have sex. When I asked him if I meant anything to him, he avoided the topic and told me that he didn't actually like me that much. We broke up, but I am still not over him. Last weekend, my best friend and this boy confessed their love for each other and are going to prom together -- as a couple. Since we are in the same friend group, I am forced to pretend that I am not mad at her because my friends don't want to deal with any drama. I am so not OK with this situation, and I cannot believe she would do this to me. What should I do? -- Feeling Betrayed, Boston

DEAR FEELING BETRAYED: Both the boy and your friend have been insensitive to you and your feelings. The boy should not have been dating you exclusively if he didn't really like you. That was very immature and heartless.

Given that you are in high school, it is understandable that you are all still learning how to have a relationship, maintain your friendships and stay sane. It isn't easy, even when you get older. For now, if you can, find a date for the prom so that you will have a healthy distraction from obsessing over them. If not, make a plan to spend time with your other friends without always being in the company of those two.

Your feelings may be hurt when you witness the two of them as a couple, but you should find some solace in realizing that you stopped the relationship from turning a very dangerous corner by not having sex with him when you discovered that you and he didn't share the same feelings for each other. Give yourself credit for being wise. You can get through this with integrity on your side.

life

Sense & Sensitivity for May 22, 2014

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | May 22nd, 2014 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: My son went to a birthday party, but he did not bring a gift because I forgot to get one for him. He just received a thank-you note from the child for a gift that someone else obviously bought for him. This happened before we could get the child a gift. My son asked me if we should tell the friend that the gift did not come from him or if we should just let him think what he does already. I think we should tell the truth, don't you? -- Wrong Gift, Memphis, Tenn.

DEAR WRONG GIFT: Of course your son should tell his friend that someone else gave him the gift in question. If possible, it would be great for your son to give him the gift that you and he originally intended at the same time. But even if you aren't able to do that, absolutely let the friend know that he thanked the wrong person.

life

Family Friends' Divorce Causes Awkwardness

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | May 21st, 2014 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I just found out that my best friend's parents are getting a divorce. Our parents have been friends for years, and they are like a second family to me. Her dad cheated on her mom, and her mom has turned the kids against the dad. When my friend tries to talk to me about this situation, I feel very uncomfortable because I think that it is wrong that she does not communicate with her dad. She asks me for advice, but I don't want to go against what she believes is right. I know she is very upset about this situation, and I really don't know what to say to her when she brings up the divorce. Should I try to avoid this subject completely or try and comfort her without giving my opinion? -- Uncomfortable, Miami

DEAR UNCOMFORTABLE: You are doing the right thing by not taking sides. There is no winning in this situation if you become too vocal about your opinions. Do your best to simply be there for your friend. Remind her that you love her and want to support her through everything. Suggest that she see a counselor to get professional support as she goes through this incredibly difficult period.

If she asks you to take sides or agree with something that makes you uncomfortable, tell her no. It is OK for you to say that you refuse to speak badly about either of her parents. If she gets too riled up about the divorce when she is talking to you, you can protect yourself by saying that you need to step back a little. Tell her you want to support her, but that you cannot get involved in her parents' business.

life

Sense & Sensitivity for May 21, 2014

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | May 21st, 2014 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am starting college in the fall, and I am very nervous about it. I have lived in one place for my entire life and have never really experienced this type of change before. All of my friends have found roommates, but I have barely spoken to anyone going to my school next year. I really don't want a random roommate because I would feel more comfortable knowing who I am going to live with. I come off as a shy person, and it is hard for me to open up to new people. I am scared that this transition will be extremely difficult. Do you have any advice for me to feel better about starting this new chapter in my life? -- Shy and Scared, Secaucus, N.J.

DEAR SHY AND SCARED: Contact your college immediately and find out how it goes about assigning roommates. You will end up with a random roommate if you take no action. That doesn't have to be bad, though. You could be lucky and get the perfect match.

To avoid randomness, ask your guidance counselor to help you. Open up about who you are. Reveal that it can take some time for you to get to know people. Also ask for suggestions for clubs or groups that share your interests. Joining a small affinity group will make it easier for you to get to know people.

life

Weight-Loss Journey Hits a Roadblock

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | May 20th, 2014 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: Recently, I have been trying to eat healthier so I can lose some weight. I joined a gym and have been working out at least four times a week. Most of my friends have been understanding and supportive of this goal; however, one of my best friends is treating me as if it's a joke. She has not taken me seriously at all, and all she does is talk to me about food -- whether it's a new dessert place we need to try, or the mac and cheese she had for dinner the other night. I am insecure about this, and she makes me feel uncomfortable because I feel like all she does is judge. She is very manipulative, and it seems as if she does not want me to reach my goal. It stresses me out because she is always asking for plans, but I do not want to associate myself with someone so negative. How can I confront her about this in a nice way? -- Skinny Girl, Austin, Texas

DEAR SKINNY GIRL: Drum up the courage to speak directly to her. Tell her that it hurts your feelings knowing that she has been unsupportive of you in your efforts to get healthier and lose weight. Point out the things that she has said that have been hurtful. Remind her that you need her, as your friend, to be a cheerleader rather than a naysayer. Tell her that if she is unable to be supportive, you will not be able to spend as much time with her.

Do not feel bad about taking care of yourself. In order to make the huge step that you have embarked upon, you need to be completely focused. Surround yourself with supporters. And in the instances of the naysayers, decide that you will prove them wrong by winning on your journey to fitness.

life

Sense & Sensitivity for May 20, 2014

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | May 20th, 2014 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: Last weekend, my boyfriend surprised me with a dinner reservation at my favorite restaurant for our anniversary. That day happened to be my best friend's 18th birthday. My best friend had also invited me to have dinner with her family and her boyfriend, but this invitation was very last minute, and I wanted to spend some alone time with my boyfriend. I didn't think much of it because I figured she would understand that it was our anniversary dinner. My best friend still has not forgiven me for my choice and refuses to talk to me. I have apologized multiple times, and I do not know what else to do. Should I stop trying to communicate with her until she accepts my apology? -- Torn, Los Angeles

DEAR TORN: It is likely that your best friend feels threatened by your boyfriend. What often happens is that friendship dynamics change when one or both friends get involved in a relationship. Your friend feels that you chose your boyfriend over her. It may take a bit for her to see clearly about what happened.

Stop begging for her forgiveness. Just keep your heart open to welcome her back when she cools off. In the future, be crystal clear when you cannot accept an invitation so that everybody knows what is going to happen from the beginning.

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