DEAR HARRIETTE: I am scared. I went to a party with a bunch of my college buddies, and we all got crazy drunk. I ended up sleeping with one of the guys at the party. I am so embarrassed. I didn't know him at all. I don't even know his name. Now I'm freaked out. I can't believe how stupid I was. My friends and I haven't mentioned anything about the party or what we did. (A few of my friends ended up in bed with guys from the other school.) Should I just act like nothing happened? -- Scared Sober, Syracuse, N.Y.

DEAR SCARED SOBER: The smartest things you can do are to talk to your friends and to go to the doctor. Gather your friends and tell them that you think it would be good for you to discuss what happened and how to make sure it doesn't happen again. Engaging in reckless behavior as a group and then pretending it away makes the action even more reckless because it can easily be repeated. Agree that you will not make such a dangerous set of mistakes in the future.

By all means, go to the doctor and get tested for sexually transmitted diseases. You may also want to get a pregnancy test, just to be sure of your status. Encourage your friends to do the same.

DEAR HARRIETTE: When I was new at my job -- some 20 years ago -- my boss made a pass at me. He went so far as to tell me that if I wanted to be successful, this was how to do it. I was so upset. I told another boss about it, but nothing happened. I watched him for years as he "secretly" had affairs with people at work, even though he had a wife. I no longer work there, but I just saw this man in a professional setting, and it all just came back to me. He was gross back then, but this time when I saw him he acted like we were old buddies. He even asked me to have lunch with him. Part of me wants to just so that I can tell him off. What do you think? -- Remembering the Past, New York City

DEAR REMEMBERING THE PAST: If you feel that you can be calm and collected as you tell this man how inappropriate his behavior was when you worked for him, by all means do it. Make sure that you meet in a public place. Tell him that the reason you decided to meet him is because you felt powerless years ago when he said those discriminatory words to you. Today you feel powerful and able to stand up for yourself.

Say to him, if you can, that you hope he has turned over a new leaf and is no longer preying on young women. Then, get up and leave. No need to continue the conversation. If he chooses to apologize with sincerity, accept it and keep moving.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been calling and emailing my friend for about a month now with no response whatsoever. She is not someone I talk to a lot, but in the past, she at least responded to me when I contacted her. I got kind of mad and sent her a not-so-nice note saying that my feelings were hurt that she hadn't gotten back to me. Then she called to tell me that she has been sick for about a month and a half. I feel so bad. How can I make it up to her? -- Foot in Mouth, Detroit

DEAR FOOT IN MOUTH: I'm sure you apologized when you spoke to her. If you feel that your apology was insufficient, call her back to explain that you were frustrated because you hadn't heard back from her and that you are truly sorry for lashing out. You should follow up with her to see if she is feeling better and ask if there is anything you can do to help her.

Your lesson here is to not take things personally. You misjudged your friend's silence as her ignoring you. It wasn't about you at all.

Dear Harriette: Recently, you printed a letter from "Shut Your Mouth," from Jackson, Miss., about the woman whose husband had passed away and the neighbors started gossiping. I agree with your advice, but I think a stronger reprimand to the gossips is necessary.

My husband of 35 years died after 10 years of illness, leaving me in a financial mess and emotionally and physically exhausted. I met someone who was kind and lonely a few months later.

My husband's family was quite upset that I had begun to date and to move on. It hurt my feelings because no one knows what went on during the marriage -- mine or the Jackson widow's -- and unless you have experienced it, you can't understand the loneliness.

My grown son told his uncle (my biggest critic), "My mom isn't the one who died. My dad certainly wouldn't want her to be sad, and he would have found someone else, too." No one should presume to judge how anyone else grieves. -- Venting, Salt Lake City

DEAR VENTING: Thank you so much for sending your reflection about your life. It is so true that many people savor gossiping. The volume often gets raised among loved ones and neighbors when a woman loses her husband. What's unfair or at least unequal is that when a man loses his wife, it is expected that he will quickly find someone else. (I digress.)

A widow has every right to find a new companion. When loved ones prove to be judgmental, it may help to welcome in a new friend or two so that you have a neutral party with whom you can talk about life. Over time, family members usually come around and welcome a new beau.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am in my early 40s, and I plan to remarry in the next five years. I think I would like for my future wife and me to live in separate residences. I am very particular about how I plan to live the rest of my life, and I do not want to change for anyone. Do you think any woman would consider that as an option? -- My Way or the Highway, Brooklyn, N.Y.

DEAR MY WAY OR THE HIGHWAY: Your plan sounds more theoretical than actual. Is there a woman in your life now whom you want to marry? Also, what went wrong in your previous marriage?

I suggest that you do a personal inventory to determine what worked and what didn't work in your previous marriage. Assess the view looking forward: What do you want in a marriage, and what are you willing to compromise in order to make a marriage work? This doesn't mean that you can't find a woman who will marry you and live separately. Some people do that. But you need to get to the bottom of what you actually want and need. Why do you want to get married? What does marriage mean to you if it doesn't include living under one roof?

Do some soul searching. Make a list of what you want in a partner, and then look around to see if you can meet someone who fits your heart's description. Even if you do, trust that you will have to make some adjustments in order to welcome someone into your life.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I think I'm feeling jealous of a friend of mine who is a whole lot closer to the man I have a crush on than I am. They hang out together way more -- strictly as friends. They do live nearer each other, but still. I feel like he enjoys spending time with her more than with me. It's not her fault, but I can't figure out what to do to make him see me or like me. We have known each other for a long time, and we are friends. I really want to make this more than a platonic relationship; I want him to be my man. How can I get him to see that? And how can I get my friend out of the way? -- Longing for Love, St. Louis

DEAR LONGING FOR LOVE: You say you have been friends with this man for years and that he chooses to spend time with your friend rather than you. Sounds like he is not trying to date you. If you have never let him know of your interest, you can tell him when you are face-to-face and ask him if he would like to try and see what might happen if you two became a couple.

If you have already let him know, it's time for you to accept that he doesn't like you in that way. Acceptance is key to happiness. You cannot force someone to want to be in a relationship with you.