life

Older Woman Ready to Put Herself on the Market

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | April 10th, 2014 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am a widow. My husband passed away five years ago. I am ready to start dating again, or at least having male company. I am not young. I'm 78 years old, but I am still healthy and want to enjoy my life. My problem is that many of the people who were my friends for 30 years have kept their distance since my husband died. It feels like they think I might steal their husbands. That's ridiculous! I would never consider such a thing. There are a few men in my community who are widowed or otherwise single. I see them at the local community center, and I used to see them at friends' gatherings. I would like two things: to have someone to take me out on occasion and, more, to have my friends back. How can I make this happen? -- Widowed but Not Dead, Annapolis, Md.

DEAR WIDOWED BUT NOT DEAD: Even in old age, there typically are more women than men in the dating pool. Whether it's due to jealousy, insecurity or who knows what else, some married women do feel threatened by single women, including widows. To the extent that you can, your job is to assure your friends that you love and miss them and want to rekindle your friendship with absolutely no intention of making designs on their husbands. Host a gathering at your home where you invite your once-closest friends. You may have to work to break the ice, but it should be possible to soften some of their hearts.

Further, put yourself out there as you have been doing by going to social events where single senior men are present. Be courageous enough to talk to them. If you are up to it, invite someone you find interesting to coffee. You may want to expand your possibilities by looking at men who are a bit younger than you. Have fun!

life

Sense & Sensitivity for April 10, 2014

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | April 10th, 2014 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: My husband and I have been talking to a couple about getting together for a while. We agreed that we would go to their house this time. Last time we were there, we ate all frozen fried foods because they don't cook. We love them but want a healthy meal, so I offered to cook. The wife said no, we will just order in. I really want to cook for them. How can I bring it up again so that they will welcome a home-cooked meal without thinking I'm pushy? -- Want to Cook, Bronx, N.Y.

DEAR WANT TO COOK: Reach back to your friend and tell her how excited you are to try out one of your recipes with them. Express your happiness at the thought of cooking for them. Tell her it would be your honor to do so. Add that if they want to order food to supplement, that would be fine, too. (You never know if they will want to eat what you prepare, so don't go overboard.) If you position your offer as a gift to them, they may say yes.

life

26-Year-Old Contemplates Moving Out of Parents' House

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | April 9th, 2014 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I'm a 26-year-old woman, and I think it is time for me to move out of my home. I feel like I am in a good space in my life because I just finished obtaining my real estate license, I have a job and I have a boyfriend who I am absolutely crazy about. I am also a songwriter, and I am working on my first album. Despite all of this, I do not feel like an adult at all because my mom and dad have guilted me into continuing to live at home. I asked my cousin if I should move out of my parents' home, and he told me not to move because it would be a wonderful way to save money. I want to live on my own, but I see the advantage of staying home and saving my money. What should I do? -- Want to Leave the Nest, Queens, N.Y.

DEAR WANT TO LEAVE THE NEST: Follow your heart with a strategy. You are definitely old enough to live on your own. (I moved out at 18 to go to college and have been on my own ever since.) Saving money is important in your life, but there is no reason to think you have to stop saving when you move.

Instead, make a plan. Find an apartment that you can afford. You may need to have a roommate to split expenses. I would not start with your boyfriend as a roommate. Find a neutral party with whom you can learn to share household duties. Make a budget so that you save something each week. In this way, you will continue to build a savings while also learning to be an adult without parental supervision. You can do it.

life

Sense & Sensitivity for April 09, 2014

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | April 9th, 2014 | Letter 2 of 2

Dear Harriette: I like my wife's cooking, but she makes too many dishes where alcohol is included in our meal. She made beer-battered fried chicken Monday night, penne in vodka sauce Tuesday night and salmon prepared in a white wine sauce Wednesday night. For dessert we will have a rum cake, strawberries soaked in wine or an amaretto cheesecake. She tells me I will not get drunk because the alcohol will burn off while the dish is being prepared. This is a strange cooking phase for my wife, and I would like her to stop cooking with so much alcohol. How should I address this issue with her without making her feel bad? -- Burning Down the House, Memphis, Tenn.

DEAR BURNING DOWN THE HOUSE: It sounds like your wife is reading a cookbook or maybe saw a show that inspired her to learn how to cook with alcohol. She is right, for the most part, that much of the alcohol does cook off when items are fully cooked -- but not all.

According to Dr. Andrew Weil, the cooking time and method of cooking have a lot to do with how much alcohol evaporates from a dish. Tell your wife how much you are enjoying her expanded menu and that you would like for her to use less alcohol on a daily basis. For more on alcohol evaporation, go to drweil.com/drw/u/QAA400900/Does-Alcohol-Really-Cook-Out-of-Food.html.

life

Picky Eater Shouldn't Stress Friend's Parents

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | April 8th, 2014 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: My daughter's friend came over for a play date, and the two of them had a great time until it came time to eat. I had already been cautioned that she can be a picky eater, but this was ridiculous. I made a simple meal with baked chicken, pasta and kale. She looked at her plate -- stared at it really -- and basically refused to eat. I coaxed her into at least trying the chicken. She finally ate some of the pasta, but eventually she took out a cheese sandwich she had brought from home to eat. I know that children can be finicky, but I really thought this was extreme. My daughter wants to invite her back, but I'm afraid she will starve while she's in my care. How do I handle this? -- Can't Go Hungry, Detroit

DEAR CAN'T GO HUNGRY: Many children are picky eaters. In some cases, their parents enable them, and in others, no matter what you do, they just won't expand their palates. Work together with this child's parents. Talk to the mom or dad about her food choices and about what your meal planning will be. Ask for recommendations on what to serve her. Be willing to accept the cheese sandwich or other supplementary food items that the family may send with her. Your goal is not to be stressed out as you host this child. Don't take it personally that she rejects your meals. This is her issue. While you may be able to help her slightly break free from her limited menu choices, that is not your responsibility.

life

Sense & Sensitivity for April 08, 2014

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | April 8th, 2014 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: My 10-year-old son's class is learning about human growth and development -- aka sexuality. Wow! I have already begun talking to him about some of these things, but the detail they are getting into is intense -- for me, anyway. I am not sure how to address some of the topics that come up. For instance, my son asked me to explain to him what "wet dreams" are. OMG! At 10, they are already talking about that? I want to support him, but I am having a difficult time finding the words. -- Speechless, Racine, Wis.

DEAR SPEECHLESS: Welcome to the world of puberty! What schools are wisely doing these days is introducing a curriculum about the human body, how it works and what to expect as you are developing as a pre-emptive, supportive measure rather than after the fact. I think it is brilliant that they are doing this, even as it can make for awkward moments at home.

Many children are entering puberty at 9 and 10 years old. Many of their bodies are developing, and they have tons of questions. Yes, parents should be talking to them about everything, but isn't it great that they don't have to do it alone?

To help you talk directly to your child in a way that your parents may not have done with you, there is a wonderful book that can help you. It is "It's Perfectly Normal: Changing Bodies, Growing Up, Sex and Sexual Health" by Robie H. Harris.

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