life

Reader Must Talk to Kids About Tough Issues

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | April 3rd, 2014 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am sick about all of the news stories these days about people dying of drug overdoses or suicide. It's really horrible. What's worse is that I have not been able to shield my young children from it. Because everything pops up on TV at any time of day, not even just on the news, they have started asking questions. My kids are 7 and 10. I didn't think I would have to talk to them about somebody taking his own life or using heroin at this age. I don't feel ready for these conversations, so I was vague when they first asked, but I do think I need to respond. What should I say? -- Protective Mom, Syracuse, N.Y.

DEAR PROTECTIVE MOM: I believe that a parent's job is to teach children how to understand what is happening around them so that they can feel safe and protected and knowledgeable. I agree that it is not ideal for young children to have to hear about some of the horrors of our world, but when they happen, parents must be able to talk them through these tragedies.

I have talked to my 10-year-old about drug abuse for several years. It started when she witnessed someone using drugs and wanted to know what he was doing. When Phillip Seymour Hoffman died and it was all over the news, we had the talk about heroin and more about using a needle and syringe and how under most circumstances those tools are only used in a hospital. I told her to walk away if she ever encounters someone doing that in her presence. Were these conversations scary? Sure, but I remained matter-of-fact about them, explaining that drug use can easily lead to death, and that we choose life.

When it comes to suicide, an even more difficult topic, if you have to talk about it with young children, keep it in simple terms, namely that some people become so sad that they don't remember how valuable life is. If ever they feel very sad, their responsibility is to come to you right away to talk about it. As long as you know you are loved, it is easier to work through any sadness.

When your children face tragic stories, either through the news or your own family and friends, be sure to talk to them. For support in having this conversation, go to childmind.org/en/posts/articles/2011-4-25-talking-kids-about-suicide.

life

Sense & Sensitivity for April 03, 2014

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | April 3rd, 2014 | Letter 2 of 2

Dear Harriette: I had a party and invited everyone via email. Can I send thank-you notes to them for attending and for their gifts via email, too? -- Protocol Please, Shreveport, La.

DEAR PROTOCOL PLEASE: Whereas a handwritten note used to be standard for saying thank you, times have changed. If all guests were invited via email and use that as a principal means of communicating, they will likely be perfectly happy receiving a note of gratitude in that way. You may want to spice it up a bit by using emoticons or a special e-card. You can find free and affordably priced e-cards readily online.

life

Reader Unsure How to Reach Out to Acquaintance

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | April 2nd, 2014 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I read a disturbing message on a woman's Facebook page the other day. Right after the fashion designer L'Wren Scott took her life, this woman wrote that she really identified with Scott and understood how she could make such a choice. I noticed that a few people immediately wrote her to offer their love and support. I am not close to her, so I was unsure as to how I should respond. I know that life can be tough for people, even when it seems like things are going OK. We really have no idea what troubles people may be having in their lives. I would hate to sit back and do nothing, though. If she were to take her life or even try, I would feel horrible that I didn't reach out. What should someone do in a situation like this when you aren't close to a person who is clearly in distress? -- Wanting to Help, New York City

DEAR WANTING TO HELP: I assume that you are connected somehow on Facebook in order for you to have seen her post. This means that you do at least know each other. You are not strangers. While you may feel uncomfortable calling her (if you even know her number), since you aren't close, you can start by writing to her on her Facebook page to send her love and prayers. You can send her a direct, private message asking if there is anything you can do to support her. Sometimes a person in need feels more comfortable talking to someone who is not so close.

I will also caution that you are not a suicide counselor. This woman may need a professional to help her. You can point her to suicidepreventionlifeline.org for that.

life

Sense & Sensitivity for April 02, 2014

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | April 2nd, 2014 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: My son had a friend over for a sleepover, and I noticed that this boy was cursing. I do not allow cursing in my house. These boys are 11 years old. I know that they are in that experimental age, but I don't care. I think it's important for my son to understand what the rules of our house are, and more, for anyone who is in our house to follow them. When I spoke to this boy about cleaning up his language and not cursing while he is at my house, he complied, but my son was so embarrassed he sulked for a while. How can I reinforce my household's rules without embarrassing my boy? -- Follow the Rules, Racine, Wis.

DEAR FOLLOW THE RULES: You can empower your son. Sit down and talk to him about the incident. Tell him that he can help enforce your family's rules by letting his friends know in advance what the guidelines are. If he gives his friends the heads-up and they honor the rules, you will not need to step in. Let him know that. He may appreciate having this role. It may help both of you avoid future embarrassment of this sort.

life

Adding Mother-in-Law to Vacation Means More Rooms

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | April 1st, 2014 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: My husband and I are planning a trip with our three children next month to visit friends and family in California. We made a budget for our family of five to stay in a three-star hotel. My husband wants to bring his mother with us. It will be a tight fit in our SUV, which I do not have a problem with, but what bothers me is that my husband wants his mother to stay with us in our hotel room. I offered to get two rooms, but he feels I am being unreasonable. I feel that three adults and three children is a lot to pack into a small hotel room. This should be a fun and happy time for my family, but I am frustrated and angry over this situation. Am I being unreasonable? Or should I just accept it and deal with being miserable? -- Unhappy Wife, Memphis, Tenn.

DEAR UNHAPPY WIFE: You should not go into your vacation with the mindset that it will be a miserable trip for you. Why? Because you will be guaranteeing that you will be looking through a miserable lens the entire time.

Instead, do some research. Find out if the hotel has adjoining rooms. Many hotels offer this option for larger parties. In this way, you can present the option of the space and privacy that two rooms can offer with the proximity that an open door between the rooms provides at the same time. If they have this available and it fits within your budget, present it to your husband.

Be clear with him that your concerns are real about the additional room. Push for this compromise. You need to be a united front before you head west.

life

Sense & Sensitivity for April 01, 2014

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | April 1st, 2014 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I just sort of made up with a friend who had been on the outs with me for two years. We recently hung out and had a really good time. We had a misunderstanding a while back, and I thought that we were cool. She brought up how I had hurt her feelings back then, and I sincerely apologized. But then she kept her distance. Anyway, we spent some time together the other day, and it felt like everything was OK. Should I ask her if she is still mad at me or just go with the flow? -- Re-Friended, Detroit

DEAR RE-FRIENDED: A piece of wisdom I can offer is for you to live in the moment. You say that the two of you have made up or at least you are reconnected now after some time. Rather than dredging up the past, be fully present as you engage your friend.

You can follow up with a call, text or email to say how much fun you had and invite her to do something else with you in the near future. It could be that you don't ever need to rehash the past. Trust that your relationship now is healthy and build on that.

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