life

Dater Should Give Awkward Man a Chance

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | March 12th, 2014 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I'm a single 28-year-old woman born in Nigeria, but currently living in Brooklyn, N.Y. I am interested in embarking on a new relationship, but I have not had the best luck in the dating scene. Recently, a friend of mine tried to hook me up with a friend of hers who is also Nigerian, but he lives in China. She expressed great things about him and gave me his phone number. We have communicated via text only a few times, and I already find him to be awkward. I haven't seen a very clear picture of him, so I don't really know if he is my type. He has asked to chat via Skype, but I do not think I am comfortable enough to do so. Should I give it a try and Skype with him at least once? Or should I let this one go? -- Single but Not Settling, Brooklyn, N.Y.

DEAR SINGLE BUT NOT SETTLING: Start by making a physical list of the attributes you would like your partner to have. What qualities are attractive to you? Also, what qualities or behaviors would be turn-offs? When you have a clear list, which should include things about behavior and values more than about appearance, look again at the single men you meet to see if anyone seems interesting.

As far as the man your friend has introduced to you, it's natural for communication to be awkward when you have barely communicated with each other. He may find you awkward as well. Talking via Skype can serve as a bridge in that you will be able to see and hear each other. Go for it.

I will add that trying to date someone who lives in China is a curious option for someone who wants a relationship. It would probably be easier to have a chance at a real relationship if you try to meet someone could meet physically. If your goal is to meet a fellow countryman, you can do that, too -- even in Brooklyn. Open your eyes and look around!

life

Sense & Sensitivity for March 12, 2014

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | March 12th, 2014 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I just learned that my best friend is gay. We have been friends for something like 10 years. I am so angry that she didn't feel like she could tell me. I have never been judgmental about the way that other people live. She mentioned it the other day because she said she wanted to introduce me to her girlfriend. I didn't realize that she meant "girlfriend" like that, but when she introduced her, they were holding hands. It was such an awkward moment. Why didn't she tell me before? And what should I say to her? I feel like she betrayed me by not confiding in me. -- Left Out, Los Angeles

DEAR LEFT OUT: Who knows what was in your friend's head? Only she does. You need to ask her. Make a time when you can get together, and be upfront. Tell her that your feelings are hurt that she has never told you that she is gay and that it was uncomfortable learning the way you did. Tell her you love her and trust her and feel that she left you out of a very important fact of her life. Encourage her to tell you why. If you can talk through this, your friendship may be able to strengthen.

life

Threat of Clingy Neighbor Hangs Over Party

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | March 11th, 2014 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a neighbor who has become very friendly with me. Sometimes she is too friendly and kind of intrusive. She can be extremely loud and possessive of me. If I see her out somewhere, she immediately acts like we should be together, even if I am out with other people. On more than one occasion she has joined my party at a restaurant without a moment's thought that she wasn't invited. I'm planning a small dinner party in the neighborhood for a select group of people, and I don't want to invite her. I'm worried, though, that she might stop by the restaurant and either attempt to join us or get loud because she wasn't invited. How can I handle this gracefully? -- Wanting to Disconnect, Washington, D.C.

DEAR WANTING TO DISCONNECT: You may want to consider hosting your party outside your immediate neighborhood, especially if you believe that this neighbor would not hesitate to crash your party. If you go beyond your normal sphere of connection, you will reduce the likelihood that she will show up.

You can also prepare yourself to speak to her privately if she shows up and tries to join in. Ask her to step away with you for a moment and tell her that this is a private gathering, and you are terribly sorry, but she is not invited to join you. She doesn't have to know that it is your function, just that you are not inviting her to be your guest. It is OK to be firm and clear. If she refuses to leave, ask the restaurant manager to help you. Yes, this may damage your relationship, but if she is that out-of-control, you may need this intervention anyway.

life

Sense & Sensitivity for March 11, 2014

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | March 11th, 2014 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I just learned that I have to have oral surgery because I have periodontal disease. I was wondering why I was having so much trouble with my mouth, and then my tooth fell out. It is so embarrassing. What's worse is that my insurance will not cover implants, which the doctor recommended. I have no extra money to make it happen. I am feeling so depressed right now. I have been out of work for several years. I did get insurance through the Affordable Care Act, and it is pretty good, but it doesn't cover this "elective" surgery. I'm told I can get dentures, but I'm only 40. I don't want dentures. What can I do without the money? I feel so ashamed. -- Toothless, Shreveport, La.

DEAR TOOTHLESS: Now is the time to be practical. If your insurance will cover you getting your mouth healthy and will provide you with dentures, take that. Nobody will know whether your new teeth are implants or removable. What you will have is a mouthful of teeth. When you are in a better financial situation, you can replace the dentures with implants.

Don't feel ashamed, either. You are taking steps to improve your health. Feel proud about that.

life

Reader Frustrated by Boss Who Fails to Communicate

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | March 10th, 2014 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I got really frustrated with my boss last week because she has not been answering my queries in a timely manner. I have left her voicemails and emails and requested meetings so that we can iron out some key details about an upcoming project, and all I get back are crickets. Nothing. Nada. She is very busy, so she isn't in the office much. I would go sit in her office and try to talk to her face-to-face, but I don't know when she will be there. How can I get my job done if she doesn't handle her part of it? What can I do to protect myself? I'm afraid that we are going to have a disaster on our hands if she doesn't take action, and I don't want to be blamed for it. -- In Knots, San Diego

DEAR IN KNOTS: Document everything and do your best to stay calm and professional while you are at it. Instead of firing off an angry email when you are feeling frustrated, take a walk, do some deep breathing and let off steam in a private, safe way.

With your boss, be extremely professional and clear. You can title your emails "URGENT," "TIME SENSITIVE," "DEADLINE TODAY" or something similar to stress the importance of the situation. Keep her apprised of the risks involved in not responding in a timely manner. In writing, remind her of all of the details of the project and where things stand. Make your notes succinct. You may want to bullet point or number each item to make it easy for her to respond to you.

When deadlines pass, send her a note. When you see a crisis looming, inform her of your concern. Keep all communication brief and unemotional.

life

Sense & Sensitivity for March 10, 2014

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | March 10th, 2014 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I ran into a parent at my son's school the other day, and we had a lovely chat. I have seen him around over the years, and to tell the truth, I have a little crush on him. Every time I see him, my heart beats faster. I know that sounds ridiculous. I am married; he is married. I have absolutely no intention of acting on my feelings, but I would be lying if I said I wasn't attracted to him. Because I have noticed it, I have steered clear of him. It's some kind of physical magnetism that I'm feeling. I'm not afraid that I can't control myself, but I'm not quite sure how to squash it. -- Feeling Hot, Denver

DEAR FEELING HOT: Trust your instincts and keep your distance from this man. The way to ensure that your quickened heartbeat doesn't turn into something more is to do nothing to quicken its pace further. You can be friendly from a distance, but don't put yourself in a situation where you might be tempted even to touch him. There is something to be said for the power of sexual energy. Don't test your willpower. Keep your distance.

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