life

Threat of Clingy Neighbor Hangs Over Party

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | March 11th, 2014 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a neighbor who has become very friendly with me. Sometimes she is too friendly and kind of intrusive. She can be extremely loud and possessive of me. If I see her out somewhere, she immediately acts like we should be together, even if I am out with other people. On more than one occasion she has joined my party at a restaurant without a moment's thought that she wasn't invited. I'm planning a small dinner party in the neighborhood for a select group of people, and I don't want to invite her. I'm worried, though, that she might stop by the restaurant and either attempt to join us or get loud because she wasn't invited. How can I handle this gracefully? -- Wanting to Disconnect, Washington, D.C.

DEAR WANTING TO DISCONNECT: You may want to consider hosting your party outside your immediate neighborhood, especially if you believe that this neighbor would not hesitate to crash your party. If you go beyond your normal sphere of connection, you will reduce the likelihood that she will show up.

You can also prepare yourself to speak to her privately if she shows up and tries to join in. Ask her to step away with you for a moment and tell her that this is a private gathering, and you are terribly sorry, but she is not invited to join you. She doesn't have to know that it is your function, just that you are not inviting her to be your guest. It is OK to be firm and clear. If she refuses to leave, ask the restaurant manager to help you. Yes, this may damage your relationship, but if she is that out-of-control, you may need this intervention anyway.

life

Sense & Sensitivity for March 11, 2014

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | March 11th, 2014 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I just learned that I have to have oral surgery because I have periodontal disease. I was wondering why I was having so much trouble with my mouth, and then my tooth fell out. It is so embarrassing. What's worse is that my insurance will not cover implants, which the doctor recommended. I have no extra money to make it happen. I am feeling so depressed right now. I have been out of work for several years. I did get insurance through the Affordable Care Act, and it is pretty good, but it doesn't cover this "elective" surgery. I'm told I can get dentures, but I'm only 40. I don't want dentures. What can I do without the money? I feel so ashamed. -- Toothless, Shreveport, La.

DEAR TOOTHLESS: Now is the time to be practical. If your insurance will cover you getting your mouth healthy and will provide you with dentures, take that. Nobody will know whether your new teeth are implants or removable. What you will have is a mouthful of teeth. When you are in a better financial situation, you can replace the dentures with implants.

Don't feel ashamed, either. You are taking steps to improve your health. Feel proud about that.

life

Reader Frustrated by Boss Who Fails to Communicate

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | March 10th, 2014 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I got really frustrated with my boss last week because she has not been answering my queries in a timely manner. I have left her voicemails and emails and requested meetings so that we can iron out some key details about an upcoming project, and all I get back are crickets. Nothing. Nada. She is very busy, so she isn't in the office much. I would go sit in her office and try to talk to her face-to-face, but I don't know when she will be there. How can I get my job done if she doesn't handle her part of it? What can I do to protect myself? I'm afraid that we are going to have a disaster on our hands if she doesn't take action, and I don't want to be blamed for it. -- In Knots, San Diego

DEAR IN KNOTS: Document everything and do your best to stay calm and professional while you are at it. Instead of firing off an angry email when you are feeling frustrated, take a walk, do some deep breathing and let off steam in a private, safe way.

With your boss, be extremely professional and clear. You can title your emails "URGENT," "TIME SENSITIVE," "DEADLINE TODAY" or something similar to stress the importance of the situation. Keep her apprised of the risks involved in not responding in a timely manner. In writing, remind her of all of the details of the project and where things stand. Make your notes succinct. You may want to bullet point or number each item to make it easy for her to respond to you.

When deadlines pass, send her a note. When you see a crisis looming, inform her of your concern. Keep all communication brief and unemotional.

life

Sense & Sensitivity for March 10, 2014

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | March 10th, 2014 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I ran into a parent at my son's school the other day, and we had a lovely chat. I have seen him around over the years, and to tell the truth, I have a little crush on him. Every time I see him, my heart beats faster. I know that sounds ridiculous. I am married; he is married. I have absolutely no intention of acting on my feelings, but I would be lying if I said I wasn't attracted to him. Because I have noticed it, I have steered clear of him. It's some kind of physical magnetism that I'm feeling. I'm not afraid that I can't control myself, but I'm not quite sure how to squash it. -- Feeling Hot, Denver

DEAR FEELING HOT: Trust your instincts and keep your distance from this man. The way to ensure that your quickened heartbeat doesn't turn into something more is to do nothing to quicken its pace further. You can be friendly from a distance, but don't put yourself in a situation where you might be tempted even to touch him. There is something to be said for the power of sexual energy. Don't test your willpower. Keep your distance.

life

Woman Trashes Husband's Attempt at Breakfast

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | March 8th, 2014 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I love my husband. He is a wonderful man, but when it comes to his cooking, I would rather he not step in our kitchen ever again. Last Saturday, my husband took the initiative to make breakfast; he made pancakes, scrambled eggs and turkey sausages. His goal was to put a smile on my face. Sadly, I threw out the food he made because it was terrible. He was upset because I threw out the cooked food and made breakfast the right way. I think I could have handled the situation differently. -- Sacred Ground, Rochester, N.Y.

DEAR SACRED GROUND: You are tough. It would have been far nicer for you to thank your husband for trying and to eat what you could. You insulted him and surely hurt his feelings. Instead, encourage him to spend some time in the kitchen with you.

You can still thank him for his efforts and invite him to make a special meal with you. Teach him how to make eggs to your liking, or choose another dish. As a couple, you can have fun learning about anything. Attitude is everything! And you, dear one, need an attitude adjustment.

life

Sense & Sensitivity for March 08, 2014

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | March 8th, 2014 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: My husband and I started our family late. I had my first child when I was 34 years old, and I had my second child when I turned 39. I am 41 years old now, and I would like to have another child before it is not possible. My husband does not think it is a good idea because we are getting older and our busy schedules would not allow it. Should I respect my husband's wishes, or should I nag him until I get my third child? -- Happy Wife, Brooklyn, N.Y.

DEAR HAPPY WIFE: As far as age goes, you should have a checkup with your OB-GYN to see if you are healthy enough to have another child. Plenty of people have babies after 40. Yes, the risk for birth defects rises, but this should be evaluated specifically for you with your doctor.

As far as your finances and lifestyle go, sit down and map out a budget based on time and resources to see where you and your husband stand in your vision of the future. Talk about whether you believe you can comfortably "afford" to bring a third child into the world. Take the time to go through all of your hopes and dreams and fears -- from both of your perspectives. This is a decision you should make together, one that is not based on nagging or fear, but on conscious intention. Tell him that you would like to approach it in a respectful, mature way. Chances are, he will agree.

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