DEAR HARRIETTE: My 21-year-old daughter and her 2-year-old came to live with us. Her situation was very bad; the father is a deadbeat and they were both addicted to drugs. My daughter went into rehab and has been doing well. She keeps trying to make it work with this loser, but she always ends up back at our house. He ended up displaced from his apartment, so now she and the baby are living with us full time. Even if he did have a place, it wouldn't be a healthy environment for my daughter or my grandchild.

The frustrating part is that my daughter does not help out much around the house. She claims I don't ask her nice enough or I just want a slave around when I ask her for help. Both my husband and I are in our mid-50s and work full time. It's tough enough to keep our household up without another adult and a baby making a mess. I have told her multiple times that this situation could be really good if we all worked together. If there weren't a child in the mix she would have been kicked out a long time ago. She doesn't work or go to school and has no motivation; she is very sickly, depressed and lazy. She refuses to go see a doctor for these ailments, though she is in talk therapy and, under doctor's care, prescribed Suboxone and Adderall.

I have been in counseling for years, and the bottom line for me is, "Can I live with the decision I make?" Meaning could I live with kicking them out? I could never do that to my granddaughter. I know you cannot help someone unless they want to help themself, so I feel I am between a rock and a hard place. My daughter has had serious issues since she was 15, and it seems we have tried everything. I hope you can give me some advice on how to handle this. -- Feeling Lost, Jackson, Miss.

DEAR FEELING LOST: As difficult as it may be right now, you do not have to live like this. You do not have to allow your daughter to abuse the privilege of living in your home. Of course you want to support her and your grandchild, but sometimes tough love means requiring that they leave the roost. Look into homes for indigent mothers and children in your town. If you can find her a place to move, you will feel more comfortable asking her to leave.

You can give her the option of staying and pulling her weight or leaving. Outline specifically what tasks you expect her to do and hold her to it. Require that she go to therapy. Speak to her talk therapist to learn pointers on how to encourage her to get more help. Enabling her is not the way to assure a healthy relationship for anyone in your household. If you allow her to disrespect you and your home, you will all remain miserable, and your grandchild will not grow up understanding how to live a healthy, productive life.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I recently lost my job and had to move out of my apartment. I currently live with my best friend and her husband. I am so grateful my friends opened their doors for me in my time of need. It has been six months since I lost my job, and my friend's husband is giving me hints that I should find a place because I am getting in the way of their relationship. The last thing I want to do is break up someone's home.

I called my parents to see if I could move back into their house, and they told me no and I should find a woman's shelter to move into until I can get my life together. I had a bad experience in a women's shelter many years ago. I am hurt and disappointed that my parents made a suggestion like that. I have a couple of dollars saved up, but I do not know how long it will last. I used to work in the accounting department at a popular hotel chain, and I am ready to work and have my own place again. -- Nowhere to turn, Virginia Beach, Va.

DEAR NOWHERE TO TURN: Comb your memory to see if you have any other friends who may take you in temporarily. If necessary, go to a shelter for a short time. Research to find the safest and cleanest ones in your area. Spend your days actively looking for a job, perhaps outside your field.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I read your response to "Worried Son" and was very disappointed. He does not want his mother to drive because she is in her mid-80s. He provides no evidence that she has had any driving problems except that she older, yet you do not even question him about that. People of any given age are not exactly alike. The lady may have many years of driving ahead of her.

No, I am not in my 80s; I am a 58-year-old woman who ran senior care facilities of various types for many years. Some children become "helicopter children" in trying to ensure the safety and welfare of their parents and give no thought to quality of life. Getting older is difficult enough without creating problems where none exist. -- Able to Drive, Chicago

DEAR ABLE TO DRIVE: I apologize for not making the point that you bring up. Indeed, there are many seniors who are perfectly capable of driving, living on their own and otherwise leading completely independent lives, sometimes well into their 90s. I happen to have quite a few of them in my life. My intention was not to be dismissive of those who are able to be independent.

In my research about older people and the safety of driving, I have found a few consistent warning signs for family members and elders themselves to consider as they evaluate whether it is time to stop driving. They include health concerns such as advanced arthritis that could make it hard to steer the car or turn your neck; advanced Parkinson's disease; diminished vision; Alzheimer's; and medications that could cause drowsiness. Review the person's recent driving record. Talk about fender benders and near-misses. For more ideas and information on this topic go to: seniordriving.aaa.com.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I need help with people who treat my home in a disrespectful manner. My 30-something stepson and his girlfriend visit us two or three times a year from another state. Twice in the last couple of years, the rug in the guest bathroom has been permanently ruined by what I'm assuming is black hair dye. Another time, the countertop was stained. I have also found food crumbs in the bedroom after they left. I have bought cheap rugs to use in the bathroom for when they visit.

We've had a houseguest who stayed in the shower for 20 to 25 minutes. Another sat with his feet and shoes under him on our upholstered chairs.

I would be mortified if I ruined something in someone's house. My husband has a close relationship with his son, but doesn't want to speak with him about this. My stepson and I have a good relationship but are not especially close. I am glad that my stepson feels relaxed and welcome in our home. I do not want to hurt the relationship, but I also do not want my home used and abused. What can I do? -- Maid in the Midwest, Chicago

DEAR MAID IN THE MIDWEST: You have every right to have ground rules in your home that you require houseguests to follow, even when they are members of your family. The next time your family comes to visit, sit them down when they arrive and tell them that you want to establish a few house rules. Point out that you think they used hair dye previously and that it stained the rug. Ask them to refrain from using dye. Ask them to be mindful of not running the water too long as you are trying to conserve water. I would wait to make the point about the shoes on the sofa. When you see it, say something like, "Please don't put your shoes on the furniture."

Could this be awkward at first? Yes, but you should not feel afraid to let them know how to care for your home while they are in it.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My cousin will be visiting from out of town for about a month. She has asked if she can stay with me, and I said yes. I realize I need a little bit more information. I know she is looking for a job and that her finances are limited, but I cannot really afford to pay for her meals for a month. Should I let her know upfront that I will need her to contribute to the cost of food? I don't want her to feel bad. I am not charging her rent or anything like that. -- Striking a Balance, Syracuse, N.Y.

DEAR STRIKING A BALANCE: You absolutely should let her know what your needs and expectations are. Be specific about everything from contributing to the food bill and helping to cook and clean to house rules about chores, curfews, guests -- anything that is important to you.