DEAR HARRIETTE: I need help with people who treat my home in a disrespectful manner. My 30-something stepson and his girlfriend visit us two or three times a year from another state. Twice in the last couple of years, the rug in the guest bathroom has been permanently ruined by what I'm assuming is black hair dye. Another time, the countertop was stained. I have also found food crumbs in the bedroom after they left. I have bought cheap rugs to use in the bathroom for when they visit.

We've had a houseguest who stayed in the shower for 20 to 25 minutes. Another sat with his feet and shoes under him on our upholstered chairs.

I would be mortified if I ruined something in someone's house. My husband has a close relationship with his son, but doesn't want to speak with him about this. My stepson and I have a good relationship but are not especially close. I am glad that my stepson feels relaxed and welcome in our home. I do not want to hurt the relationship, but I also do not want my home used and abused. What can I do? -- Maid in the Midwest, Chicago

DEAR MAID IN THE MIDWEST: You have every right to have ground rules in your home that you require houseguests to follow, even when they are members of your family. The next time your family comes to visit, sit them down when they arrive and tell them that you want to establish a few house rules. Point out that you think they used hair dye previously and that it stained the rug. Ask them to refrain from using dye. Ask them to be mindful of not running the water too long as you are trying to conserve water. I would wait to make the point about the shoes on the sofa. When you see it, say something like, "Please don't put your shoes on the furniture."

Could this be awkward at first? Yes, but you should not feel afraid to let them know how to care for your home while they are in it.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My cousin will be visiting from out of town for about a month. She has asked if she can stay with me, and I said yes. I realize I need a little bit more information. I know she is looking for a job and that her finances are limited, but I cannot really afford to pay for her meals for a month. Should I let her know upfront that I will need her to contribute to the cost of food? I don't want her to feel bad. I am not charging her rent or anything like that. -- Striking a Balance, Syracuse, N.Y.

DEAR STRIKING A BALANCE: You absolutely should let her know what your needs and expectations are. Be specific about everything from contributing to the food bill and helping to cook and clean to house rules about chores, curfews, guests -- anything that is important to you.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My mother was just placed in hospice, and my family and I want to make sure that other family members and loved ones know so that they can send cards right away and visit if they would like. She has been sick for some time, but she has taken a turn for the worse. We have already called the older people whose phone numbers we have, but we also want to reach the younger people. Is it acceptable to reach them through social media? We don't want to do anything that is inappropriate. Is this in poor taste? -- Sending the Message, Winston Salem, N.C.

DEAR SENDING THE MESSAGE: What's great about social media is that you can reach people quickly if they are users of the platforms that you use. Recently I learned about a friend's illness through a direct message on Facebook, which means it wasn't broadcast publicly, but instead sent specifically to people who were connected to this woman. The friend group was asked to pray for her, and we all shared in a collective prayer online. Similarly, I learned of another friend's passing via Facebook. Again, it was sent via a private message. I was asked to let other people know, so I posted the details of the memorial on my Facebook page.

Yes, you can use whichever form of social media will get to your loved ones. Whenever you can communicate privately with them, do so. If your mother does not mind you letting people know broadly, reach out in that way, but have people contact you rather than going directly to her so that you can manage the outreach that comes her way.

DEAR HARRIETTE: Last week, I called a male friend of mine to ask him about the current state of our friendship. He told me that he was content and is happy that we are friends. My friend went back to college when he turned 40. Currently he does not have the time to be in a relationship because he is a full-time student. During our conversation, I told him that I was in a relationship. Surprisingly, he was OK with my search for love. I told him that I still want to be friends, and I am trying to figure out how I can have a boyfriend and male friend at the same time. -- Have My Cake and Eat It Too, New York City

DEAR HAVE MY CAKE AND EAT IT TOO: The big question for you is what kind of friend you consider your "male friend" to be. Was he ever your romantic friend? Is that what you had hoped he would be in your life? If so, there is no room for you to have him and your boyfriend. You have to choose.

But, in general, if you are not romantically attached to a friend who is male when you have a boyfriend or when you are married, there should be no reason for you to end your friendship. If you ever feel the need to hide your friendship, that's a sign that you should cut the ties that bind you.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I moved into a basement apartment of a one-family house. My property owner lives on the first floor of the home, and he is a religious person. I have a separate entrance, and I plan to have female friends visit from time to time. Because my property owner is very religious, I think there may be an issue with bringing female company over to my apartment. Do you think I should let him know in advance, or is it none of his business who I bring over to my place? -- Mostly Happy Tenant, Brooklyn, N.Y.

DEAR MOSTLY HAPPY TENANT: It sounds like you knew that your property owner was religious before you moved into his house. While as a renter you have the legal right to invite whomever you want into your home, you also suspect that this man will consider your planned behavior disrespectful.

Is it worth it for you to entertain lady friends in a way that will incite anger, disappointment or other negative emotions? Do you intend to stay there short-term or for a while? I ask because you probably don't want to cause friction from the start. It can make it far more difficult to be invited to renew your lease.

A compromise could be to have company for dinner but not allow her to spend the night. It may seem old school, but to your landlord it will simply seem respectful.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I'm away at college and have been having trouble with my friends at school. There have been a number of arguments, and recently there was a fistfight between girls. My friends divided into two camps, and one girl keeps threatening to attack the other group. I want to be able to be cordial with all of them, but it's hard because both sides isolated me for two weeks when I chose not to take a side. There are about eight of us involved, most of whom I considered to be my friend group, and they are divided between the two sides. I am in the middle with one friend, kind of by ourselves. How do I address them and come to a common ground of understanding and respect? Pariah, Syracuse, N.Y.

DEAR PARIAH: When women (or men for that matter) resort to violence in order to handle their differences, you bet you are in volatile circumstances! It often takes a lot of time for everyone to cool off. But their behavior is inexcusable, and isolating you because you refused to take sides is a sign that bullying is going on.

Can you turn the tide for you and your friend group? Maybe. You can invite all of the girls in question to get together. From the start, tell them that you care about all of them and wish that you could renew your friendship. You cannot force them to make that choice, though. Ask a neutral party with authority -- possibly from your college's security staff -- to be present during this chat to ensure that violence does not break out again.