DEAR HARRIETTE: I was really looking forward to seeing my brother and his family for the holidays, but I just learned that they decided not to visit this year. It turns out that my brother and his wife are getting divorced. They have been married for 18 years. They have three kids, and they really do seem like a happy couple and family. I had no clue. I talk to my brother frequently, so I don't know how I missed this. I feel like he should have told me. My feelings are all mixed up. I'm sad for them and mad that he kept it a secret. I feel like calling him and cursing him out. I know that's the wrong thing to do. What should I do? -- Beyond Sad, Washington, D.C.

DEAR BEYOND SAD: When people in a family get divorced, it definitely affects more than the husband and wife. It is one of the most difficult crises that families suffer. And yet, it is the main concern of the couple. They probably are choosing not to visit family because they are not ready to talk about the demise of their marriage. Typically, when people break up, they aren't on the best of terms, which makes it even harder to attempt to communicate clearly with others. They do not want to be judged or interrogated. This is likely why your brother did not tell you; he shut down.

Yes, you can reach out to him, but only in love, not with a barrage of questions. You can call him or write to him, letting him know that you are sorry for his situation and that you love him and want to be there for him in any way you can. The only question you should ask right now is if there is any specific way you can support him. Otherwise, wait for him to come to you. During your family time, suggest that family members respect his privacy during this sad period and be willing to offer love without talking about details that they don't really know or understand anyway.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have always gone to the same holiday party with my family forever. We went when we were just out of college, and we still go, even into my 50s. Well, my husband doesn't want to go anymore. He said enough is enough. He loves my family and tolerates the range of people we "make nice" with at the event, but he wants to do other things with his time. I know my family will be disappointed. How should I handle this? My husband is still coming to be with the family over the holidays, just not to the party. -- Enough, Portland, Ore.

DEAR ENOUGH: Family traditions can be wonderful, and they can sometimes be stifling. Your husband's change of heart suggests that this activity no longer works for him. Tell your family that you two will not be attending, but then be fully present at the events where you do go. Show that you are as connected to your family as before, just differently.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have two children in elementary school. Once again, there has been a recent shooting at a school. These things make huge news stories, as they should, but as a result, my children know about them. I feel powerless to protect them from such random acts of violence. Each time we hear about precious children being shot and sometimes killed, it is paralyzing. What do I say to my children? They are afraid to go to school now. -- Afraid, Shreveport, La.

DEAR AFRAID: It is scary and incredibly sad that our country continues to be plagued by sick individuals who choose to harm innocent children. You and your children naturally should be concerned about this recurring situation.

What you can do is talk to your children's principal to learn about what safety precautions have been put in place at their school to assure the highest level of safety. Get involved in the PTA and learn what parents can do to support the school and the children. Learn the rules in case of an emergency, and talk to your children about paying attention so that they can implement them.

Talk to them about the sad fact that some people in this world are up to no good and they have to be mindful of any students or others who are mean or who behave as bullies. When they notice something that is off, they should tell the teacher right away. By educating your children about how they can be as safe as possible, you create more space for them to experience ease.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I got a call out of the blue from a woman who was my friend when I was growing up. We haven't been in touch for more than 30 years. At first, I wasn't even sure who she was. She found my number from a woman I have kept in touch with from home and called. It was pleasant to hear from her. She said she was coming to New York soon and wants to get together. I thought that was fine. But then she added that she hoped she could stay with me for a couple of days. I was taken aback. How could this be possible? I hardly even know her. I do know that people like to stay with others when they visit the Big Apple because it is expensive here, but we are not friends. What should I say to her? I am willing to get together, but not to be a hotel. -- Mouth Hanging Open, Bronx, N.Y.

DEAR MOUTH HANGING OPEN: Be direct with this woman. Tell her that you would be happy to see her while she is in town. You may also want to recommend sites for her to visit, your favorite restaurants and other highlights. Draw the line about spending the night. You don't need to go into an explanation. Simply say that you are sorry, but you cannot accommodate that request.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I stopped giving holiday gifts years ago. I go to visit friends and family throughout the season, but I have no children and stopped thinking it was essential to dole out money for gifts and go broke just to be like everyone else. For the most part this is a nonissue for me.

I have one friend, a new friend, who insisted on getting me a gift. She even gave it to me before Christmas. Now it's kind of awkward because I didn't get her anything, and I don't want to have to either. I feel certain that I told her my policy. I don't want her to think that I don't care about her. How can I graciously handle this? She is not a girlfriend, but a nice new friend. -- Giftless, Seattle

DEAR GIFTLESS: You are not the only person who does not give out tangible gifts during the holidays, although it may seem like it. You also do not have to follow someone else's rules. If this woman were your partner and really wanted to exchange gifts, that would be a different matter. Still, you obviously care for her. You do have options. You can get her a lovely card with a fitting sentiment about how you feel about her. There are so many options these days, you are bound to find something special.

You might also choose to do something with her. A gift does not always have to be a thing. You could invite her to go to a museum with you, or you might invite her out for drinks. Think of an affordable yet fun activity that you can share that gives you both the gift of time.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I was just reading your column, and a comment you made to a writer brought to mind a great quote I heard years ago that you may be able to use for those with bitterness and grudges. Your reply to "Mad All Over Again" was, "Holding a grudge against her does you no good."

I love this quote from an old man. I memorized it immediately and have applied it in my life several times: "Bitterness does more damage to the vessel in which it is stored than to the vessel into which it is poured."

Isn't that a good one? Thank you for your column and good, levelheaded advice. -- For Forgiveness, Memphis, Tenn.

DEAR FOR FORGIVENESS: I love your note and its sentiment. It is so incredibly difficult for people to tear themselves away from hurt and anger when someone close to them does them wrong. Yet, holding on literally erodes the person who cannot let go or forgive. I believe that the battle to release the anguish rather than drown in it is one of the most important battles that one can wage. We are all fallible. Perhaps by practicing forgiveness of ourselves for our faults and misdeeds, we can become more likely to forgive others.