DEAR HARRIETTE: I stopped giving holiday gifts years ago. I go to visit friends and family throughout the season, but I have no children and stopped thinking it was essential to dole out money for gifts and go broke just to be like everyone else. For the most part this is a nonissue for me.

I have one friend, a new friend, who insisted on getting me a gift. She even gave it to me before Christmas. Now it's kind of awkward because I didn't get her anything, and I don't want to have to either. I feel certain that I told her my policy. I don't want her to think that I don't care about her. How can I graciously handle this? She is not a girlfriend, but a nice new friend. -- Giftless, Seattle

DEAR GIFTLESS: You are not the only person who does not give out tangible gifts during the holidays, although it may seem like it. You also do not have to follow someone else's rules. If this woman were your partner and really wanted to exchange gifts, that would be a different matter. Still, you obviously care for her. You do have options. You can get her a lovely card with a fitting sentiment about how you feel about her. There are so many options these days, you are bound to find something special.

You might also choose to do something with her. A gift does not always have to be a thing. You could invite her to go to a museum with you, or you might invite her out for drinks. Think of an affordable yet fun activity that you can share that gives you both the gift of time.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I was just reading your column, and a comment you made to a writer brought to mind a great quote I heard years ago that you may be able to use for those with bitterness and grudges. Your reply to "Mad All Over Again" was, "Holding a grudge against her does you no good."

I love this quote from an old man. I memorized it immediately and have applied it in my life several times: "Bitterness does more damage to the vessel in which it is stored than to the vessel into which it is poured."

Isn't that a good one? Thank you for your column and good, levelheaded advice. -- For Forgiveness, Memphis, Tenn.

DEAR FOR FORGIVENESS: I love your note and its sentiment. It is so incredibly difficult for people to tear themselves away from hurt and anger when someone close to them does them wrong. Yet, holding on literally erodes the person who cannot let go or forgive. I believe that the battle to release the anguish rather than drown in it is one of the most important battles that one can wage. We are all fallible. Perhaps by practicing forgiveness of ourselves for our faults and misdeeds, we can become more likely to forgive others.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My husband and I got into a big argument yesterday, and today he acts like nothing happened. I am still fuming. He did not apologize, nor did I. We just yelled out our points and then went to sleep. I slept in my daughter's room. I didn't even want to see his face. I cannot act like nothing happened. I don't want to argue, either. How can I address this situation without sparking a bigger flame? -- Incendiary, Racine, Wis.

DEAR INCENDIARY: A great rule to follow in a marriage is not to go to bed angry. Clearly, that is easier said than done. What you can attempt is not to go to bed angry again.

Ask your husband if you can take a few minutes to talk. As calmly as possible, tell him that you are having a hard time moving past your argument. Tell him how you are feeling. Ask him how he is feeling. If he says he has moved past it, tell him that you have not been able to do that because the argument upset you so greatly.

Suggest that the next time that you two have a disagreement that you stop before the voices elevate and agree to revisit the topic when you both have cooler heads. You both may want to read "Conversation Transformation: Recognize and Overcome the 6 Most Destructive Communication Patterns," by Dr. Ben E. Benjamin.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a couple more suggestions for the woman who is concerned about feeding herself and her sister's family. Each week, write a meal plan before shopping. Check the cupboard to see what you can use. Check store ads -- if you can -- to see what's on special. I always spend more at the store when I don't have a planned shopping list.

Also, go to the library or get on the Internet and learn about nutrition. This will help you figure out portion size and how to get the most nutritional value from what you can afford. I think a lot of people believe they need more protein than their bodies actually do. Use rice and beans to add bulk.

Some cities have community gardens, where you can grow your own produce in the summer or work for a share of the harvest from a collective garden.

Shop in the morning if you can. Where I shop, employees mark down the meat nearing its expiration date each morning. Get there first.

And here's one most city dwellers know already: Try to shop at a supermarket rather than the local convenience store. Farmers markets are even better, if you can get to one. -- Food Stretcher, Chicago

DEAR FOOD STRETCHER: Thank you for your thorough and thoughtful ideas. They are wise for everyone, whether you need to pinch pennies or not!

DEAR HARRIETTE: I'm feeling the burden of the recent passing of my grandmother. My family is pulling me in every direction to help them, and I need to take a minute to gather my thoughts. How do I find the time to take care of myself during this time of grieving? -- Family First, Chicago

DEAR FAMILY FIRST: You must take care of yourself in order to support your family. Just as people are instructed on airplanes to put the oxygen mask over their own face before that of a child, you must tend to you.

The good news is that self-care can come in small doses. Take 15 minutes in the morning and in the evening to meditate. Sit quietly, close your eyes and breathe fully. Let any thoughts that fill your mind go away. Concentrate on your breath. Trust that you have inner wisdom that can guide you.

Spend time thinking about your grandmother. Remember things about her that you believe will honor her memory.

Suggest that you make time each day for a family meeting to discuss how you will handle your grandmother's service. Write down what everyone's responsibilities will be, including yours. Do not take on more than you can handle. If at all possible, delegate duties so that they are all shared. Be sure to eat in a healthy manner and get as much sleep as you can. This will help you to be able to manage all of the energy that is coming your way.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a family member whose birthday falls on Dec. 26, and I was wondering, do I give him a Christmas gift and a birthday gift, or can I get away with giving only one gift this year? He is turning 35, so we're not talking about a child here, but I know that he sometimes feels shortchanged because most people give him only one gift. -- The Day After, New York City

DEAR THE DAY AFTER: Acknowledgment is what your family member seeks, and what's wonderful is that you can absolutely celebrate both Christmas and his birthday without having to spend extra money.

What you can do is buy one gift and give him two cards, one for each celebration. If it is typical in your family for everyone to give Christmas presents, have a gift for him under the tree. Because this is a big birthday, do some research and find him a card that reflects his personality and the tenor of his special day. You can also write him a heartfelt note expressing your love for him at this time of year.

If your family is going to be together on his birthday as well, consider having a cake for him so that you fete him separately on his big day. Again, the idea is that you acknowledge him for each occasion separately. In this way, he will feel fully honored.