DEAR HARRIETTE: It has been two years since my mother passed away, and my family is still having a lot of difficulty dealing with her loss. At holiday time it gets worse because we remember all the things she used to do to care for us. Even though we were adults when she died, it doesn't take the sting away. This year, I decided I just couldn't deal with being around my siblings and their families for Christmas without her, so I have planned a getaway trip for Christmas. When I told my family, they got really mad at me and said I am being selfish. I'm not giving up on my family. I just need a change of pace. How can I get them to understand that I love them, but I need this? -- Time Out, Queens, N.Y.

DEAR TIME OUT: The truth is that you are being selfish, and sometimes that is exactly what the moment requires. Rather than making an excuse, tell your siblings the truth -- you feel that you need to get away this year and be by yourself. Apologize to them for being selfish, but admit that this is what you need for you. Be sure to leave cards or presents for them -- whatever is your family tradition -- so that it doesn't seem like you have abandoned them. You may also want to bring back mementos for them from your trip.

It may be wise for you and your family to get grief counseling. Even though your mother has been gone for a while, you may still need support in processing your loss.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I changed my hairstyle, and everybody at work has an opinion about it. It's not like I got a Mohawk or something. I simply cut my hair into a shorter, more contemporary style. I work in a relatively relaxed office where people wear jeans, and it's pretty no-fuss, which is why I was shocked at the reaction I got. It has been a couple of weeks now, and I still get comments. I'm not Michelle Obama. What's all the fuss? -- New 'Do, Memphis, Tenn.

DEAR NEW 'DO: I bet you had a consistent look for a very long time, which is why your co-workers continue to remark on your new look. One way to deflect their ongoing comments is to find something nice to say about them. Compliment someone on her new dress. Notice when someone buys a new car. Pay attention to your co-workers to learn what little or big things matter to them in their daily lives. Remark on those things when you notice them. In this way, you remain engaged with your co-workers without being the center of attention.

Chances are they will appreciate your noticing the subtleties and nuances of their lives. This may distract them from your hairdo as you bring the attention back to them.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am really upset with my job. I have seniority, and I am single. I just learned that a woman who is my junior was given a lengthy Christmas vacation when I was not granted my vacation request. I believe she was given preference because she has a family with small children. As far as I am concerned, that's not fair. I have earned my time off, and I thought that if you were more senior, you should be given preferential treatment. I asked for my time off months ago, so it's not like it was a last-minute request. How can I appeal this without sounding petty? -- Feeling Dissed, Chicago

DEAR FEELING DISSED: Go to your manager privately and ask about your vacation. Start talking about you personally. Inquire as to why you were not given the time off that you had earned and requested. Point out when you initially made your request. If you do not feel satisfied with the answer you are given, bring up your colleague. Note that she is junior to you and that you feel slighted that she would be given the time when you doubt that she asked for it first and you have seniority. You can also ask if she was given the time because she has a family. Know that if this is the case, it would be considered discrimination.

DEAR HARRIETTE: The letter from "Family Ties" struck a chord with me. The daughter wanted her mother to start hosting Thanksgiving again after a 15-year hiatus. You agreed with the daughter that siblings and cousins could offer to clean and be responsible for cooking to talk her mom into holding it at her home again.

Give me a break! It's high time for one of the younger people to jump in and host this event. Their homes may not be as large -- so what? Family doesn't mind being crowded together. It may mean setting up card tables instead of having everyone eat at the same table. Most large grocery stores offer a baked turkey. You'd only need to provide side dishes and dessert.

As a young wife and mother 45 years ago, I had to beg my husband's family to allow us to host Thanksgiving. Eventually, we hosted all the family holidays as the elder members were lost to nursing homes or death. Give Mom her due and pick up the tradition yourself. -- Pushing 70, Salt Lake City, Iowa

DEAR PUSHING 70: I fully understand your position, and it makes sense that family tradition is passed from one generation to the next. My understanding of "Family Ties" was that the mother was the glue in the family and not everyone was getting together because the mom no longer hosted the meal. My idea was a compromise -- the young ones could prepare the meal at the mom's house.

Sometimes a hybrid idea can work. But that does not negate your point, that the young families should take the baton and continue the traditions leaving a seat of honor for the older folks while accepting full responsibility for the celebration.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I just reconnected with a childhood friend whose family took in my sister and me when we were little. We hadn't seen each other for more than 40 years. It was a wonderful reunion, except that my childhood friend felt guilty for not having gotten in touch sooner. I tried to let her know that there are no hard feelings, but it was not easy for her to accept. After a while, the conversation got awkward. I really want to stay in touch with her, but I hope she doesn't belabor the past. Her family was kind to us when we were young, and it would be really cool to get to know each other as adults. The only thing is, I don't want to have to listen to the guilt trip every time. How can I get her to chill so we can just talk? We don't live in the same town, so it will take effort on both of our parts. -- Reconnecting, Orlando, Fla.

DEAR RECONNECTING: Who knows what your friend remembers about your past? What you can do is assure her that what you are grateful for is the present and the opportunity to get to know each other now. Make recommendations for how you can stay in touch. You can talk on the phone, Skype and visit on occasion if you think you would like that. By demonstrating that you want to make the effort to be in her life, you may be able to allay her fears and any demons she is harboring from the past.

At some point, you may have to listen to some of her memories, but focus on the here and now at first so that you all can grow to like each other as adults. Then see how things unfold.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My husband is out of control. Every time we visit with people, he makes lewd comments about me and constantly uses sexual innuendo. I find this demeaning and terribly embarrassing. I have told him many times how much I dislike this behavior, and he just laughs at me and continues. The last time we were together with a group, he really went off and tried groping me in front of people and just generally acting like an ignorant teenager. I can't stand it and am not sure how to get him to stop. Please help! -- Disgusted, New York City

DEAR DISGUSTED: Since your husband blows off your comments about his behavior, you need to give him a different kind of wake-up call. Next time you go out, use your camera phone or camera to record him in action. He may need to see how foul his actions are in order to believe you. Your commentary won't be nearly as important if you can hit "play" and show him what he has been doing. Hopefully, that can start a healthy conversation. If not, you may need to seek therapy to get support in turning a respectful corner.