DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been helping a new friend plan her dad's memorial service, and it is getting really messy. She has step family members and close friends who are telling her to do things that she doesn't necessarily want to do. They are driving her crazy. I step in whenever I can to be a buffer, but I can only do but so much. She is listed as executor of the estate. I want to suggest to my friend that she let them know who's the boss. I know she wants to be thoughtful, but it is getting to be too much. -- SOS, Chicago

DEAR SOS: It is wonderful that you are there to support your friend through this trying time. As it relates to the people who are troubling her, yes, it may help to establish the lines of demarcation. Suggest that she talk to them by first assuring that she knows they, too, are grieving. Then she must make it clear that she was named executor of his estate and that she has the plans in order. It may help to articulate those plans clearly so that there are no questions. She can listen to their ideas but let them know that she is in charge. If she can come up with tasks that they can undertake, that could be helpful. If they feel like they have a participatory role, it may help them calm down.

DEAR HARRIETTE: Traditionally, my mother hosted Thanksgiving dinner and my aunt hosted Christmas dinner. Fifteen years ago, my mother abruptly stopped hosting Thanksgiving, and it divided our family. So many of us have wanted to have this tradition start again, and we don't know how to do it in a peaceful manner. My mother is stubborn. She thought it was too much on her since she is older. We wonder if we offer to pitch in and cook if maybe she would do it. Do we dare ask? We want a reunion before she dies -- she is in her 80s. We just lost one of our aunts of the same age. -- Family Ties, Washington, D.C.

DEAR FAMILY TIES: Yours is a great idea. Suggest to your mother that you and your siblings and cousins be responsible for cooking and cleaning for Thanksgiving dinner at her house. Tell her that you want the whole family to get together this year, and what better location than her home. Promise that you will not create work for her, but that you will make it easeful and happy.

If she balks, remind her that your aunt recently died and that your family members want to be together to celebrate one another. Ask her to bend her rule just this once. If she agrees and she enjoys herself, perhaps she will say yes again!

DEAR HARRIETTE: My sister's high school boyfriend just contacted me via Facebook and asked me about my sister. He said he wants to be in touch with her after something like 40 years. My sister is single now, but I don't know if I should connect them. This dude is seriously a blast from the past. My sister is kind of weird about inviting people into her life -- just bringing it up may start an argument. She is pretty reclusive these days. That's part of why I thought I might connect them. Maybe he would make her smile. Do you think I should set up a blind date kind of thing for them? Should I just tell her and see if she's interested? Or should I leave it alone? -- Sisterly, Salt Lake City, Iowa

DEAR SISTERLY: Do not surprise your sister with a blind date. That would be awkward for everyone and could easily backfire. Be respectful to her and let her know that her high school beau wants to be in touch. Tell her how he reached out, and suggest that you share her phone number or email address with him. Being in touch does not necessarily mean dating or even seeing each other. It can mean an email or phone call. She may be open to something that simple.

If she says yes, great. Make the connection. Because she may decline, do not promise anything to the ex-beau. If she does decline, tell him you will deliver the message and if she wants to, she will reach out.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My son just informed me that he wants me to get him some really expensive earphones for Christmas. He is 10. I know that he and his friends listen to music on their iPods, but I think the price is excessive. He pointed out that he would be happy with that gift alone if I chose to buy it for him rather than the range of things we usually buy. He has a point. I definitely spend more than the $100+ that the headphones cost, but I just usually buy a lot of things. Should I honor his request? It still seems like a lot of money. -- Unsure, Washington, D.C.

DEAR UNSURE: If it is true that you spend generously on your son's holiday gifts and he is crystal clear about his one desire, you may want to consider it. Part of the experience that parents should have with their children is teaching them about choice and value. He wants an expensive item. Explain how you would expect him to take care of it and that if he breaks or loses it you will not replace it. Your choice to buy him a broad range of things does not seem to be his choice now. This means that you and he have to be disciplined. If you tell him that he can have only that one item or that one and a few extras, stick to that. Explain to him that this is how you can honor his desire. Teach him the power of choice by being a parent of your word.

DEAR HARRIETTE: Your advice to "Frustrated" in Syracuse, N.Y., was OK, but I strongly recommend the following: First, do not communicate with the Internal Revenue Service yourself. Second, hire an accountant to work on the debt to determine if it is justified and to possibly get the amount reduced. Let him/her communicate with the IRS. Third, allow the accountant to put you in touch with a good tax attorney who may be able to get the debt eliminated entirely. Fourth, and maybe most important, NEVER accept what the IRS says you owe, because once you have made them work so hard to no or little success, they won't bother with you in the future. -- Wiser, Kankakee, Mich.

DEAR WISER: I completely concur that when you have a challenge with the IRS, you should bring in professional support. A tax accountant can help you go through all of the paperwork and has the eye to spot any inconsistencies as well as the experience to know when a tax law is appropriate to use or not. The tax code changes all the time, and it is best to have a professional support you in an audit or any other tax conflict.

DEAR HARRIETTE: One of my best friends and I talk all the time. We have a good friendship, but we rarely see each other. The other day, I sent her pictures of my home, something I never do because I feel like it is always kind of messy, which is why I hardly ever have people over. She had convinced me to show her. Right away she started telling me what I should do with my stuff. That is the last thing I wanted or expected from her, given how many conversations we have had about our homes. She keeps asking me if she can come over, but now I really don't want to invite her. If she is criticizing me about a photo, I don't think I can take her in-person comments.

I am not in hiding, by the way, or delusional about my cleanliness. I have been working hard to get my place together. But I do not want anyone passing judgment, especially a good friend. What can I say to her? -- Messed Up, Syracuse, N.Y.

DEAR MESSED UP: It is likely that your friend started in with her suggestions with the intention of supporting you. It is understandable, though, that you did not experience it as that. You can tell her that you are not ready to have her input.

But do not stop there. Make a schedule for the next month giving yourself a task to accomplish each day. Methodically clean up your home, and toss out anything you can. When you feel comfortable, ask for help. You may want to get a service to come in to do some heavy cleaning. You can call a charity to come pick up the items you want to give away. When you are more comfortable, invite your friend to visit and let her know you do not welcome her comments.