DEAR HARRIETTE: My sister told me that her friend, who is getting ready to undergo chemo treatment, has an airfare deal that she wants to use before undergoing the procedure. My sister has requested that I ask my male friend if they can stay at his house in Miami -- with me. I have never stayed at this man's house. We date occasionally, and I feel awkward asking this of him. Since I've never stayed there, it seems weird. I would be asking him if I can stay there with my sister and her friend, strangers to him, when he might not even be there. (To be fair, he did offer my sister and me his house a year ago.) Meanwhile, I can't afford to buy my own ticket, and my sister said she would consider charging my ticket on her credit card if I pay off the bill when it comes. Should I ask my friend? -- Wanting to Help, Baltimore

DEAR WANTING TO HELP: Do you realize what you are saying? Your sister is attempting to do something nice for her friend, but -- and this is a big but -- she has not thought her plan through. Given that your relationship with this man is casual, it would be a lot to ask for him to welcome you three to his home. More, though, is the fact that you cannot afford to go. If you cannot buy the ticket now, will you be comfortable paying for it next month? Also, do you have funds for eating and taking care of yourself once you get to Miami?

Talk to your sister about her idea and the challenges inherent in it. Tell her that you certainly would like to help her friend, but this plan is not manageable. If she can afford to pay for the whole thing, you can broach the topic with your friend. If you do, be upfront about the request and clear that you are perfectly fine if he declines.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I received an email from my ex-wife saying that her dad passed away. I have some mixed feelings about attending the funeral. I do not want to have people thinking that I am trying to get back with my ex-wife, nor I do not want to cause a scene. Should I go to pay my respects or feel miserable and not attend? -- Pay respects, Queens, N.Y.

DEAR PAY RESPECTS: Since your ex-wife reached out to you to tell you of her father's death, reach back and ask her if she would like for you to attend. She may have told you out of pure courtesy, or she may appreciate your support.

Since you are conflicted, let her be your guide on this. It is possible to remain friendly when you divorce. If you go, be attentive. Greet her family and offer your condolences. Let her know that you are sorry for her loss and are there to offer your support.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I was really frustrated at work because of a project that went wrong on my watch. My assistant dropped the ball big time. Recently, she made another giant mistake. She brushed it off like it was not a big deal, and I lost it. I yelled at her. I apologized, but I feel bad. How can I fix this? -- Out of Control, Cincinnati

DEAR OUT OF CONTROL: Schedule a review meeting with your assistant where you calmly talk about what happened. Go over the details of the project and explain what was expected and what didn't happen. Point out, with specificity, what her responsibilities were and how she failed to complete them. Also let her know what the consequences have been due to her actions.

Apologize again for your outburst. Explain that you were frustrated and your fuse was short. Let her know that your intention was not to raise your voice and that you will do your best in the future to remain calm. Make it crystal clear to her that she has to step up and be more proactive and responsible. This should include letting you know if she suspects that a project is going wrong.

Your assistant may also need more detailed coaching through the steps of her duties. Assume that she wants to do a good job and give her support through the steps. Encourage her to believe that she can achieve her goals.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I would have answered "Friend in Deed," the reader wanting to give money to a friend, a little differently. Gratitude is an emotion that does not wear well. While Friend might want to help her friend, if it makes the about-to-be-evicted friend feel obligated with no chance to return the obligation, it may well be the end of the friendship. However benevolent Friend may feel now, she may sometimes want to be treated specially for her prior act -- even without being aware of it. Unless she has enough money that the gift is truly a drop in the bucket for her, and it didn't sound like it -- she mentioned that it was her savings -- I would urge her to offer it as a loan with a plan for repayment. That way the obligations are clear on both ends of the act of kindness. -- Practical, Chicago

DEAR PRACTICAL: Thank you for your input. I have seen this situation pan out in a multitude of ways. Mainly, I have seen strain when friends help each other with debt. And yet, often all people have are friends and family to turn to when they are in a financial crisis.

Your ideas are sound. The challenge there is that the one receiving the loan may never be able to pay it. In that case, friction likely will ensue if deadlines go unmet. Someone did write in a while ago saying that when the debtor is patient and has the luxury to wait, the other has a chance over an indefinite period of time to repay the loan.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My cousin had a meltdown moment. She was hired for a new job after months of unemployment. After her first day, she quit because she was freaked out by the terms of the job and the intensity of it. She took the job because she is afraid to be broke, but she felt she couldn't stay there. I told her that I thought it was rash to quit so quickly. She agrees, but it's too late now. I suggested that she send a note to the business owner apologizing for her behavior but not asking for the job back. I think she should keep looking until she finds something that she can commit to. She is wondering if she should beg for the job back even though she didn't like it. -- Shake Her Out of It, Brooklyn, N.Y.

DEAR SHAKE HER OUT OF IT: Unless your cousin felt she was in danger, it was rash to quit so quickly. However, as you pointed out, she quit already -- it is hard to reset that button.

Your cousin needs to sit still for a few minutes, review what she wants to do with her life and come up with a strategy. Sure, it would be great to get the perfect job, but when you are unemployed, any job can often be better than none. Your cousin needs a reality check. Is she interviewing? How close is she to securing other job opportunities? How long will her unemployment last?

She should also ask herself why she reacted so dramatically. What happened that made her quit so abruptly? She needs to search her soul to determine how she reached that precipice so that she does not do it again. Desperation, especially about lack of employment, can cloud people's vision. Finding calm in the middle of emotional stress is difficult, but it is the only way she will be able to get back on track. Suggest that she do some relaxation exercises, including yoga and deep breathing. As she calms down and looks at her life through sober vision, she will have a better chance of figuring out her next steps.

DEAR HARRIETTE: This is a response to the woman who doesn't want her children to participate in Halloween activities for religious reasons. I would suggest her church have a "Trunk-or-Treat" event. This is where church members circle their cars with their trunks open, and children visit each car for Bible stories, candy, fellowship, etc. -- Christian Solution, Ann Arbor, Mich.

DEAR CHRISTIAN SOLUTION: I like this idea in that it makes a creative twist on the popular activities of the holiday. Rather than drawing attention to the dark side of Halloween that is often celebrated, this activity creates space for children to have fun as it reinforces their faith.

I will add, though, that it will likely spark conversation about the overall Halloween holiday. Parents need to be ready to talk about why they have created their own version of the holiday and what troubles them about the mainstream tradition. There is always a teachable moment.