life

Adulterous Friend Doesn't See the Problem

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | October 24th, 2013

DEAR HARRIETTE: My best friend told me yesterday that she has been seeing a guy for a month now. I was thrilled to hear the news because, at 21, she has never been with anyone before. Then she told me the guy is married. I want to be supportive and nonjudgmental, but I don't agree with her actions. I told her to be careful, and she insisted that she knows what she's getting herself into. She really likes him and apparently he likes her, too. She says that she has nothing to lose from the situation -- after all, she's not the married one -- and she is aware that something may eventually happen, but she's not concerned because she's enjoying herself in the present. I think she's so completely blinded by her infatuation that she hasn't rationally considered the consequences. What do I say to her? I don't want her to get hurt, but do I let her make her own mistakes? -- Afraid for Friend, Shreveport, La.

DEAR AFRAID FOR FRIEND: You have no control over your friend, no matter how much you love her. You may have influence, though. When you talk next, check in to see how things are going. Express your concern once more about what she is doing. Tell her that you love her and that you are concerned for her, since this man is unavailable to commit to her. Add that you are worried about her safety.

In situations like hers, when the spouse finds that her husband is cheating, you never know how she -- or he -- will react. Suggest that she watch a few Lifetime movies. While fictional, that network shows some of the worst outcomes of such liaisons. Unfortunately, our police departments are filled with stories of violence sparked by adultery. That should be plenty of ammunition without you having to bring up the morality issue.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a friend who constantly comments on how I spend my money. When she notices that I have bought a new dress or that I got my hair done, she always asks me how much it cost. Then she makes nasty comments about how I spend too much money on things. I don't think my spending is any of her business. I can afford to spend money the way that I do. I also save. I have a good job and have figured out how to afford my lifestyle. She is a single mom with a low-paying job. I get that she can't do it, but that is not my problem. I never talk about what I have, but I do answer her questions. What can I do to handle this better? -- Uncomfortable, Racine, Mich.

DEAR UNCOMFORTABLE: Stop answering your friend's questions about prices. When you answer, you make it her business in a way because you give her information that she can evaluate and comment on. She seems to be living vicariously through you and then crashing emotionally because she realizes yours is not her life. To get her to snap out of her vicarious reverie, you may need to tell her that her running commentary on your possessions hurts your feelings. Sometimes the direct approach is required, even if it may seem harsh at first.

life

Co-Worker's Embrace Makes Woman Uncomfortable

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | October 23rd, 2013

DEAR HARRIETTE: Yesterday at work, my male co-worker hugged me so hard that my breasts were sore afterward. I felt violated. Could this be sexual harassment? Should I say something to my boss? -- Violated, Syracuse, N.Y.

DEAR VIOLATED: Start with the co-worker, if you have the courage to do so. Tell him that you were caught off guard by the hug he gave you and that you did not appreciate it. Tell him that you feel like he crossed the line of appropriateness.

From there, do not hug him anymore. If he attempts to hug or touch you, back up and make it clear that you are uninterested. It could be that your co-worker didn't realize his strength. It's also possible that he has an interest in you or that his behavior could be headed toward harassment. If he does anything else untoward, that's when you take it to your boss.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My mom is an extreme hoarder. She holds on to everything! Since my dad passed away three years ago, her house has turned into a hellhole. I've tried helping her clean it out, but she's so stubborn. She says everything reminds her of my dad so she can't come to terms with throwing it out. She even has my dad's old rusty razor. I want to help her move on from these material objects that are preventing her from enjoying life. How do I help her? -- Clean, Chicago

DEAR CLEAN: If you have ever watched the show "Hoarders," you know hoarding is considered a form of mental sickness. As you already know, simply telling your mother that you want to help her clean is going nowhere. In her case, she is also in mourning.

One way to help her that she may be open to is grief counseling. Instead of talking about the state of her home, suggest that you and she go to grief counseling together. Point out that you know it is still tough to be without your dad and that you think a professional may be able to help you both heal.

Identify a grief counselor in your area. If you can get your mother to take this first step, you may be able to broach the subject of her hoarding nature once she feels comfortable talking about her situation.

Some mental health professionals suggest that family members and loved ones can stage an intervention. This can be extremely challenging but can have positive effects. You will need to educate yourself about hoarding and how to help your mother consider changing her ways. Visit The Anxiety and Depression Association of America's website for suggestions: adaa.org/understanding-anxiety/obsessive-compulsive-disorder-ocd/hoarding-basics.

Know, however, that you cannot control your mother's life. You may be able to get her to consider letting go of some of her possessions. If you fail at that, you can still love her and do your best to keep her safe.

life

Date Night Might Bring Magic to Marriage

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | October 22nd, 2013

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been married to my husband for nine years, but I am no longer in love with him. I met my husband in college, and we married four years later. The first five years of our marriage were amazing. We went on vacations, we traveled on a regular basis and we were living the life. However, something changed in our relationship. We've been on a steady decline for the past five years, and I would love to recreate the magical moments of our past. How can I make my relationship as it once was? -- Where Did the Love Go?, New York City

DEAR WHERE DID THE LOVE GO?: Take a few minutes and travel down memory lane. What specific activities did you and your husband enjoy the most? Which vacations do you treasure? Perhaps you can schedule a vacation with him to one of those magical destinations.

Simpler still is to create "date night." Many happily married couples schedule a weekly date where they dedicate time to each other. You can go to the movies, out to dinner, for a long walk. It doesn't have to be expensive, but it does have to be a commitment you make to your marriage to enjoy each other. Occasionally you can extend an invitation to another couple to join you for date night so that you have fun together. Making the choice to reignite your marriage is what will bring back the joy.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am taking a Spanish class to complete my general requirements for graduation, and I do not feel like I am getting the necessary information from my professor. Last week, I asked him a question about Spanish sentence structure because I wanted to make some kind of sense on how to write a sentence in Spanish. My professor blew off my question and told me to memorize the photocopied lessons instead. I asked my professor if there is a book I could use as a reference; he did not recommend a book. The semester is almost halfway over, and I really would like to have a working understanding of Spanish, but I don't know what to do. -- Como Se Llama?, Newark, N.J.

DEAR COMO SE LLAMA?: Ask your teacher if you can schedule a conference with him. In a private meeting, talk to him about your concerns. Find out what the expectations are for students in your level. If you are in an entry-level Spanish class, you may not be expected to write full sentences. Find out the specifics. If you believe that you do not have the ability to execute the requirements, ask him for guidance on how to do that.

Know that memorization is a part of learning. If you understand the material that he has asked you to memorize and you follow his instruction, you may actually find that you will be learning the basics of sentence structure. Review the pages in question with him to gain clarity on the content there.

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