DEAR HARRIETTE: My younger sister is a freshman at a college in New Jersey. Last month, she came to visit my older sister and me in New York City. She called us on Saturday morning and said she was coming to visit us that day. My older sister and I were thrown off and had many things going on, but our sister was excited about visiting us, so we said we couldn't wait for her to come. She came from Penn Station and met me at the apartment. She isn't used to the city and was frustrated with the directions to get to there.

We walked around the city and then met my other sister for dinner. In New York, we eat around 8 p.m. and hang out later. My younger sister, who is a serious runner, said she needed to go to bed by 10 p.m. My older sister and I were unaware of this and made other plans to meet up with friends after dinner. I told her how to get home, and she got really upset that we weren't going back to the apartment with her, only to see her go to sleep. She started crying, and we felt bad so we ended our night early and went home with her. She was being irrational and selfish, and a month later she is still talking about how terrible her time was in New York. She says she never wants to visit us because of her experience. We have tried explaining to her the situation, but she is oversensitive and prideful, so she doesn't listen to us. How can we get through to her? -- Frustrated in the Big Apple, New York City

DEAR FRUSTRATED IN THE BIG APPLE: Let your sister cool off for now. When some time has passed, invite her to come back to the city. Craft a schedule where you are able to show her a great time in the city and stay with her.

That is what she wanted. Her naivete about your lives in New York led her to believe that an impromptu visit would mean that you would drop everything to attend to her. She is young and inexperienced and probably was clueless about how disruptive her spontaneous visit actually was.

When you are next having a good time with her, you can point out the pace at which you live, the kinds of things you do and your own timing. If she wants to talk about her visit, acknowledge that it was horrible -- for all of you, because you hadn't made a plan together. Her expectations did not match yours, and you both failed to share your needs with each other. You had a full agenda that did not include her, and she had an early bedtime. When you do not communicate clearly, you are bound to run into difficulty.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My kids have so much homework this year that it is hard to keep up. They have extracurricular activities including chess, soccer and swimming. They love all of their activities, but I am afraid that they won't be able to keep up at school. When I recently broached this with my kids, they got so upset. I really do think they are oversubscribed. How can I rebalance their schedules without devastating them? -- Looking for Balance, Cleveland

DEAR LOOKING FOR BALANCE: Check in with your children's teachers to see how they think your children are managing their studies thus far this school year. Express your concerns about their schoolwork versus extracurricular activities. Ask the teachers to keep you informed if their studies slip.

You may not need to cut anything out yet. Instead, let your children know that their continued participation is contingent upon good grades. You never know -- giving them this reach may be a motivator that keeps them energized about their schoolwork. If it becomes too much, have them work with you to decide what to eliminate.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I got into a pretty ugly argument with one of my co-workers because she refused to listen to anything I had to say as we were preparing for a big presentation. She just kept talking when our task was to collaborate. We ended up mad at each other, and at the presentation she jumped in and did everything the way she wanted, regardless of what we had come up with as a team. It went over lukewarm. Because it wasn't a bomb, she thinks she was right. How can I help her to understand that if we are supposed to collaborate, we should do that? Our boss says it all the time, but somehow she doesn't see what my co-worker is doing. -- Blindsided, Jackson, Miss.

DEAR BLINDSIDED: Start with your boss since you have already tried with your co-worker. Ask for support in the preparation for the next project. Explain that sometimes the discussions get so heated and one-sided that it is hard for the team to work together effectively. Ask for your boss's help in managing the process so that everyone can work together in an effective and meaningful way. Be specific in your request so that you don't seem like a complainer. Ask for support in building the skill of collaboration. Perhaps your boss has some examples she can share of how she has collaborated well on projects in the past.

By positioning your concern as a request for team-building support, you potentially set yourself and your team up for success. Your co-worker does not need to be chastised. Instead, everyone on your team can benefit from the leadership that your boss offers if you convince her of its value.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My ex has been going around saying horrible things about me. I know because several of my friends have come back to report what he has said. Some of the things are true, which makes it worse. We did have a rocky relationship, and I was not nice to him in the end. Other things he is saying are completely made up. Either way, it is just embarrassing that he is talking about me. We are not a couple anymore. It has been several months since we dated. I have been trying to move on. How can I get him to stop his hateful chatter? -- Humiliated, Denver

DEAR HUMILIATED: Your best bet is to contact your ex directly. Call him and tell him that you know that he is still upset about the things that happened in your relationship. Apologize to him for anything that you did to hurt him. Tell him that you know you didn't handle things in the best way and that you are sorry. Ask him to stop talking about you and your relationship.

I do not recommend meeting with him. A kind, heartfelt phone call is the safest way to get your message to him. Ultimately, you cannot control what he does, but there is a chance that he may slow down or stop his comments if he believes that you two are in a respectful place.

If you believe that he is a volatile person, however, you may want to do nothing. Steer clear of him if you are afraid of him. Report his activity to the police if you feel in danger at all.

DEAR HARRIETTE: This summer I went back home to visit my folks, and I saw a family I hadn't seen in a year. It was really nice to see them. As I started to ask for different family members, I learned that both of the husband's parents died. They had been married for nearly 50 years, and they died within months of each other. I was so sorry to learn this and did not know what to say. What do you say when you learn something like that? -- Sad, Washington, D.C.

DEAR SAD: Of course you express your sorrow for the loss of your friend's parents. You can ask how he and his family are doing. If you knew his parents, you can share memories of them that will make your friend smile. Ask him to tell you stories of his parents. Often those stories can be comforting for others to recall during a time of loss.

You can follow up with the family and send a note of condolence saying something with sincerity about your memories of the deceased.