DEAR HARRIETTE: My ex has been going around saying horrible things about me. I know because several of my friends have come back to report what he has said. Some of the things are true, which makes it worse. We did have a rocky relationship, and I was not nice to him in the end. Other things he is saying are completely made up. Either way, it is just embarrassing that he is talking about me. We are not a couple anymore. It has been several months since we dated. I have been trying to move on. How can I get him to stop his hateful chatter? -- Humiliated, Denver

DEAR HUMILIATED: Your best bet is to contact your ex directly. Call him and tell him that you know that he is still upset about the things that happened in your relationship. Apologize to him for anything that you did to hurt him. Tell him that you know you didn't handle things in the best way and that you are sorry. Ask him to stop talking about you and your relationship.

I do not recommend meeting with him. A kind, heartfelt phone call is the safest way to get your message to him. Ultimately, you cannot control what he does, but there is a chance that he may slow down or stop his comments if he believes that you two are in a respectful place.

If you believe that he is a volatile person, however, you may want to do nothing. Steer clear of him if you are afraid of him. Report his activity to the police if you feel in danger at all.

DEAR HARRIETTE: This summer I went back home to visit my folks, and I saw a family I hadn't seen in a year. It was really nice to see them. As I started to ask for different family members, I learned that both of the husband's parents died. They had been married for nearly 50 years, and they died within months of each other. I was so sorry to learn this and did not know what to say. What do you say when you learn something like that? -- Sad, Washington, D.C.

DEAR SAD: Of course you express your sorrow for the loss of your friend's parents. You can ask how he and his family are doing. If you knew his parents, you can share memories of them that will make your friend smile. Ask him to tell you stories of his parents. Often those stories can be comforting for others to recall during a time of loss.

You can follow up with the family and send a note of condolence saying something with sincerity about your memories of the deceased.

DEAR HARRIETTE: One of my colleagues just went on one of those cleanses that is so popular these days, and she lost 45 pounds. She looks amazing, and I am so jealous. I have plenty of weight to lose, and I have been struggling for years. She was struggling, too, so that's why it's even more amazing that it worked. I keep hearing from people that these things are not a good idea because they are hard on your system and that you usually gain the weight back. I don't know what I should do -- I am really tempted to sign up for her program because I can see that she lost the weight and she looks so much younger. What do you think about this idea? -- Want to Lose, Salt Lake City

DEAR WANT TO LOSE: It is wonderful that you are motivated by those around you who are making strides at taking care of their health. But slow down before you make a decision as to what you will do for yourself.

To figure out the best choice for you, go to your primary care physician and get a complete physical. Assess your health needs and ask for guidance on how to achieve your fitness and health goals with your doctor. Talk to your physician about the cleanses you have heard about, and ask as many questions as you can think of about weight loss and health care. Request a plan of action that your doctor thinks will be helpful for you. You may get a referral for a nutritionist along with an exercise routine.

Chances are your doctor will not recommend that you follow one of the more extreme cleanses. Follow your doctor's orders and do your best to stick to the plan. It may take you a little longer than your friend, but if you work consistently, you can meet your goals.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have three kids who seem to outgrow their clothes every year. Usually I just give their clothes away to Goodwill. But I had the thought to organize a clothing swap. A lot of my kids' clothes are still in good shape -- same for many of the kids at their school and even at church. I figure if other people participate in a clothing swap, we can all clothe our children without spending a fortune. How can I make this recommendation without insulting anybody? -- Creative Solution, Detroit

DEAR CREATIVE SOLUTION: This is a great idea, and chances are many members of your community will like it. Ask the leadership at your school, church and community center to see where the best location would be for a swap. Once you get a facility to sign on, talk to your friends and drum up interest. Clothing should be divided up by size, so some coordination is necessary. Then get the word out and invite a host of families to participate. Welcome all to the swap and share your bounty with one another!

DEAR HARRIETTE: I used to have cable TV, but my husband and I canceled it last year. We were spending a fortune on all these channels and not paying our other bills. Plus, it was making us couch potatoes. We feel good about our choice, but just the other day we were talking to some friends who thought we were crazy to be disconnected. I felt like they were judging us about it. They have deep pockets, and I guess it's no big deal to them that they have cable and everything else. How can we get our friends to understand our position? -- Disconnected, Racine, Wis.

DEAR DISCONNECTED: Honestly, it doesn't matter what your friends think. Believe it or not, many people do not have cable TV or satellite TV or other kinds of technology -- for a host of reasons. Whether the choice is based on economics or lifestyle, not everyone is as engaged with technology as others. You do not need to feel ashamed. Instead, embrace your choices. Be confident in them. You have to make choices that are smart for you. The same is true for your friends. By the way, even people with deep pockets make choices similar to yours. Additionally, if you want to watch cable channels on occasion, chances are you can find your show of choice online. If you don't have a computer, you can watch at the library.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am interested in having an open relationship with my husband. We have been married for 10 years, and it's boring now. Some of our other friends have told me that they have an open marriage -- basically that they are swingers -- and they seem so happy. It's almost like they are newlyweds again. I haven't suggested it to my husband yet, but I think he might consider it. The only reason why he might not is that he is pretty religious. I understand that, but I need something to change.

If we both participated in an open marriage, it might help us to like each other more. I was invited to a party where people who do this get together, and I really want to go. How can I bring up the subject to him? -- On the Brink, Syracuse, N.Y.

DEAR ON THE BRINK: This is no small consideration. One of the covenants of marriage is fidelity as it relates to intimacy. For you to want to open your marriage to multiple intimate partners is a huge thing to ask. To request it of a religious man raises the stakes even higher.

If your reason for considering this is truly boredom, why not try something else first? Plan a vacation. Go somewhere with your husband that you both will enjoy. Tell your husband that you want to rekindle the romance in your marriage. Talk to him about your concerns and tell him about your idea. Suggest that you go to counseling to help you figure out how to strengthen your marriage. But my vote regarding welcoming others into your marriage bed is no. Bad idea.