DEAR HARRIETTE: I went on a work trip with a friend, and it was disastrous. The organizers did a poor job, but that wasn't the worst of it. My friend is such a major complainer that rather than make the best of it, all he did was point out what was going wrong and moan about it. At every turn when there was a problem -- and there were many -- he blew up and made the scene worse. I know that I do not want to travel with him anymore.

I'm not making excuses for the organizers: Trust me, they got an earful from the attendees. But I do think that it matters how you deal with a situation. My friend was the you-know-what stirrer. He took the whole scene over the edge. I want to say something to him, but when I tried at the event, he blew me off and said I was making excuses for the organizers. Should I say anything else to him? I don't want to be in this situation ever again. -- Out of My Control, Baltimore

DEAR OUT OF MY CONTROL: I agree that you always have a choice as to how you can deal with whatever comes your way. Even in the worst circumstances, it is possible to find the positive. That said, it can be incredibly difficult to remain upbeat when you are participating in a disastrous situation. Scapegoating your friend may be a bit extreme.

Instead, try talking to him again after some time has passed. Admit that the event was a mess and add that his behavior made it harder for you to manage. Tell him that you wished he had been able to enjoy time with you and your other friends and colleagues or make the best of it. If you find yourself in a similar situation with him where he starts nonstop complaining, walk away. Get out of earshot so you can keep your cool.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My 8-year-old daughter wants to have a sleepover for her birthday. I think it's a nice idea, but I feel uncomfortable hosting it because most of her friends live in much fancier places than our modest home. I don't want her -- or me, for that matter -- to be embarrassed by bringing kids over to a simple apartment when some of them live in big houses. Do you think I should forego it or do it anyway? -- Feeling Small, Chicago

DEAR FEELING SMALL: People live all kinds of ways, and, as you know, have very different economic means. You do not need to feel ashamed of what you have. If the children are truly your daughter's friends, they will likely be perfectly happy to be in your home. Young children tend to live in the moment and enjoy whatever their circumstances are.

In terms of the parents, just welcome them into your home. Be kind and at ease. As long as your home is clean and neat, you should feel proud of where you live and comfortable inviting them into your humble abode.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been dating a man who is seriously overweight. I am not a snob about size, but I do think that it is unhealthy to be more than 100 pounds overweight. So why are we dating? He is such a nice guy that he just grew on me. But I am concerned that in the long run, if he doesn't take care of himself, what future is there for us? I have told him that I want him to get healthy, and he says he heard me. He even lost a few pounds. But I'm not sure what to do next. I realize that I cannot control him, nor do I want do. But as I think about my future, I know that I want to have a healthy relationship with a man who chooses to take care of himself. Am I being rude or insensitive to think this way? I'm not saying I want my guy to be a model or a gym rat, just healthy. Do I tell him about my thoughts for a life partner? Or is that rude? -- Feeling Bad, Cincinnati

DEAR FEELING BAD: It sounds like you really like this guy. Your note suggests that you are thinking about the long run, including the possibility of marriage. If you are that serious, be upfront with your guy about his health. Tell him how you feel about him and that you are concerned about him as well. Ask him if he wants to get in shape. If so, consider suggesting that you do something fitness-related together.

Be clear, though, that you cannot change him. He is who he is. If he chooses to get healthy, it should be his personal choice. Your devotion to him may serve as a motivator. At some point you will need to decide if you can accept him as he is. In marriage, couples go through many twists and turns. Without question, one twist that does not work is forcing someone to make a lifestyle change. It has to happen on individual terms.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My 7-year-old son has a friend he spent time with over the summer. They had three play dates and seemed to have a lot of fun. I later learned that this child's parents allow him to drink soda. We do not drink soda in our house. I asked my son if he drank the soda, and he said yes. I was outraged. We have a strict rule about soda, and he broke it. I'm wondering if I should stop him from playing with this child. I have reminded him that he cannot break our rules when we aren't around, but how can I enforce that? -- Friend Drama, San Francisco

DEAR FRIEND DRAMA: Contact the mother of your son's friend and let her know that your son has enjoyed hanging out with her son and hopes to continue, but that you would like to ask that your son not be served soft drinks. Explain that you do not allow him to drink them. Ask if there are any family rules you should know about her son.

Remind your son that if he does not adhere to your boundaries, he will lose the privilege of hanging with his friend.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I went to a black-tie dinner last week and ran into a man I know. As I walked up to say hello to him, I was about to ask him about his wife when I saw that he was with another woman. He quickly introduced me to her and called her his girlfriend. I was so confused. I know that he was married last year when I saw him. It was an awkward moment that got me to thinking. On the one hand, you want to be thoughtful and ask about people's spouses, especially when you are a single woman and you approach a man to say hello. I was attempting to be appropriate. Was that wrong? What do you do in a situation like that, other than just say hello? -- Uncomfortable Encounter, Chicago

DEAR UNCOMFORTABLE ENCOUNTER: I feel your pain. Recently I went to an event and ran into a woman I had not seen for years. As she approached me, she haltingly said that she wasn't sure if she should dare ask about my husband. I was happy to report that we are still married after 20 years. But, as she pointed out, many people are not.

In a situation like yours, what may be wise is to take the lead of the person you are greeting, especially if he is standing next to another woman. By simply saying hello, you will have acknowledged him in the moment. Do know that he has probably gotten a few asks on behalf of his ex, though, especially since the breakup is relatively new.

As a single woman greeting a presumably married man, you can remain appropriate by being gracious and reserved. If he is standing alone, by all means ask about his wife.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I call my husband every day during the day to say hello. He used to like it when I called, but now it seems like I am annoying him. I don't stay on the phone long. I just check in to see how he's doing. I thought that was nice considering that we work all day and don't see each other much during the week. I don't know what to do now because it hurts my feelings when I call and he brushes me off. Part of me wants to just shut down and stop calling, but deep down inside I want to figure out things to do to keep us interested in each other. I don't want to end up like so many of my friends who have drifted apart from their spouses. Help! -- Lonely, Memphis, Tenn.

DEAR LONELY: Talk to your husband. He may not realize that you have this daily practice since it is something you have always done. Ask him if he likes for you to call. If not, why not? It could be that he is busy at work and your call interrupts his flow. It could be that he doesn't like to talk on the phone.

Tell him that you want to be close to him. Be honest that you don't want to end up like some of your friends who are no longer close in their marriages. Ask him for ideas on how you can be more closely connected. Starting the conversation may lead to great shared ideas.